American Court Reports

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by catmull, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. You wonder how they became the greates nation on earth!!

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh...

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  2. i know a few people like that.........