America - A New Beginning..

Written by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America.

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have, until now, been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds for 'commercials' (now re-named adverts) or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2015.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable or rational to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, so get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. The joke wore thin years ago and now it's just a crashing bore.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

I've seen that before. Some years ago actually, before GW was on the scene. It's had a few "updates"

I don't remember it being attributed to John Cleese though
Yes it is

The first version is probably about 220 or so years old :lol:
YANK60 said:
UK take over US? I won't hold my breath for that to happen. :roll:
It's a done deal.

Secretly negotiated by Jimmy Carter.

Hoon tapped to be Viceroy of Colonial North America.

Reparations for Boston Tea Party.

Amnesty for George Washington, John Hancock, Thomas Paine, et al.
You guys are still pissed about a little lost tea?? I would think you'd be more upset to have gotten your bums whooped all over the colonies by a bunch of farmers with pitchforks :wink:
Note to nearly all the Yanks who've responded here (weatherman1956 singled out for 'getting it') - guys, this is HUMOUR, satire, and you fall right into its trap the moment you see the initial piece as anything other than a light-hearted laugh.

Come on lads, you can do better than this?! [hopes!]

I saw a US response version of the piece where the tables were turned and the UK was to become the 51st State of the Union - couple of stunningly good observations in it, but mostly, as a tit-for-tat measure after its author reading the original, just a bile-laiden rant against the bits they didn't get and the usual "well hey, we can sure nuke your weiner ass!" type invective. Heigh-ho.

Did Python ever make it to the States? (DEEPLY rhetorical question!!) :wink:
As a ruthlessly satirical statement on 'The Way It Is', I'd just like to point out that Mickey Dees's avatar is peerless.

Well done that man! :!:
didn't PYTHON make it everywhere ?

I'm still not convinced that piece was actually written by cleese.
Still good though ;)
CorpsPrincess said:
You guys are still pissed about a little lost tea?? I would think you'd be more upset to have gotten your bums whooped all over the colonies by a bunch of farmers with pitchforks :wink:
but at least we can leave a colony with dignity :wink:

wasn't a little country called Vietnam filled with little farmers with pitchforks :wink:

Tommy!! when you say UK would become a 51st state, your too late :lol:
There is a school of thought that says whilst the American Revolutionary war was "lost" by the British and they withdrew in fact the cultural, social, political and military mores, customs and traditions were virtually unchanged. So who lost what?

I argue that the Brits never left N. America they just swapped hats and got themselves a new flag and a mildly catchy anthem.

The Anglo-sphere represents the cultural extension of the British system of life, love of liberty and law. In good grace we'll throw in the Kiwis, Canadians, Saffas and Ozzies. Haven't we all done well. If you were describing prosperous safe coutries in the world all these places would be in your top ten.

So there we go - we are all British now.

Of course the Non domicilied "Brits" out there will queue up to tell me, in English (Afrikans doesn't count and you can forget French canadian - Thank you General Wolfe) how different their Two house Parliamentary democracy/cultural mores (football/rugby/hockey/tennis anyone)/military/way of life is completely different and how not British they are.

There we go then - bit early for an essay but I'm feeling cerebral today.

Look up cerebral.

Incidentally on the withdrawal from the colonies the Brits went straight to what they do best - giving the French a damn good hiding in their own backyard. That'll learn 'em.

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