Ambulance humour

#1
Heard this one today and it made me smile:

Ambulance arrives a scene where guy has jumped off a high building and badly splatted himself:

Ambulance nig: Oh my god that's terrible!
Ambulance old hand: no it's not mate, his watch is still working.

msr
 

Bugly

War Hero
#2
msr said:
Heard this one today and it made me smile:

Ambulance arrives a scene where guy has jumped off a high building and badly splatted himself:

Ambulance nig: Oh my god that's terrible!
Ambulance old hand: no it's not mate, his watch is still working.

msr
Still no reply, strange. Maybe it's the way you tell'em or the timing....
 
#3
My Dad was an Ambulance man Ooop North and was called to some grotty dark, wet and miserable set of railway sidings one night after a locomotive driver reported that he had hit some one with his shunting engine.

So, there's my Dad and his oppo, plus a railway foreman and 2 of the Lancs Contabulary's finest searching for a body. They found it and my Dad reported that it was in pretty good condition for a railway casualty (he was old tramp, apparently...er the casualty, not my Dad.)

Sadly, the casualty's head was missing, so, leaving a copper to look after the railway foreman who had fainted and cracked his head on the line, the team began to serach a little further down the line, then up the line, then down again. It was of course dark and as wet as it gets in Manchester and it apparently took some time.

Eventually his oppo found it not 6 feet away from the body. "I've found it !" he called holding the swede up and illuminating it with his torch.

"Nah!" says my Dad, "He was taller than that !"

The two coppers weren't amused, nor was the foreman who had just regained consciousness at that critical time.

Medical, dark humour........it's still out there, thank God, or we'd all crack - up pretty sharpish. :p
 
#4
Bugly said:
msr said:
Heard this one today and it made me smile:

Ambulance arrives a scene where guy has jumped off a high building and badly splatted himself:

Ambulance nig: Oh my god that's terrible!
Ambulance old hand: no it's not mate, his watch is still working.

msr
Still no reply, strange. Maybe it's the way you tell'em or the timing....
Perhaps you had to be there while 'Monk' told the tale.
 
#6
Copper friend of mine in Glasgow many years ago came across an attemped suicide who had jumped off the Kingston Bridge and successfully missed the Clyde but had broken both legs on the road instead. PC A*** grabs matey by the arms and drags him across the road. It was the end of the shift and across the road was someone elses patch
 
#8
Mate of mine is a fireman, they get called out to a suicide on a railway. Body is pretty much cut to ribbons and spread along 200-300 yards of line. So off they go and start picking up the bits and pieces and placing them on a sort of stretcher. Walking along and one fireman says to my mate:-

"Hold on a minute John, the arrse is falling out of this"!
 
#9
Last Tuesday afternoon I am laid out on the operating table in my local hospital having a biopsy done on a skin cancer on my face. The surgeon removed the offending growth and then "heat sealed" the site, in other words, used very hot metal to give me a third degree burn on the raw site. The smell was, well, not as nice as bacon under the grill. I said something to that effect.

The nurse helping the doc asked the doc if he had heard about the patient who had complained about the smell when the same thing was dione to him the previous week. "Oh", said the doctor, "What did the surgeon say?" Nursey replied "He told the patient he should think about how Joan of Arc must have felt".
 
#10
Don't know if these qualify and if they do, it should be because whoever came up with them needs an ambulance to cart him off to the mental ward.

what’s grosser than gross?
doin’ a pregnant woman and the fetus starts giving you head

Q= Whats 18 inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the night?

A=Cot death

What is black and blue and doesn’t like sex?

A. a rape victim

This guy is in the bath with his daughter.
She turns to her dad and says "why haven't I got one of those daddy?"
Dad says "wait till mommys gone to poker baby u can have this one."

Taxi!!
 
#11
Devil_Dog said:
Don't know if these qualify and if they do, it should be because whoever came up with them needs an ambulance to cart him off to the mental ward.

what’s grosser than gross?
doin’ a pregnant woman and the fetus starts giving you head

Q= Whats 18 inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the night?

A=Cot death

What is black and blue and doesn’t like sex?

A. a rape victim

This guy is in the bath with his daughter.
She turns to her dad and says "why haven't I got one of those daddy?"
Dad says "wait till mommys gone to poker baby u can have this one."

Taxi!!
and I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cnut split on me



I'll get me coat
 
#12
How about a Plod mate of mine with Ambulance staff recovering the severed head of a tit that jumped in front of a train .

Ambulance - " seen this chump around town" as he picks up his head.

Plod - looking on " you sure I thought he was taller than that ".
 
#13
Devil_Dog said:
.....Q= Whats 18 inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the night?

A=Cot death......

Taxi!!
Thought this was the funniest.
 
#14
I used to be into necrophilia, flagellation and beastiality but my friends said I was flogging a dead horse....



Taxi's here already? thats early
 
#15
Car crash (sorry, RTA) in Essex.

Paramedic: "Where are you bleeding from, love?"

Casualty: "Romford"



I'll get my coat...
 
#16
My cousin used to be a mortuary assistant, so got sent out and about to collect bodeis.

On one occasion he was called out to Rye, which is very eastern Sussex, where a body had been washed up in a river mouth.

On arrival there was no body, and he was officially informed that the body had been washed out again and the tide would probably deposit him in Kent in the next few hours.

Unofficially, he was told that a copper had pushed the body back out so they didn't have to do the paperwork.
 
#17
I remember a nasty coach crash involving a disabled group on the M6

It took fireman 7 hours to cut the coach from the wreckage.
 

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