'Fraid not. Gobernment policy clearly staes that "stick with nails in it" is only eligible to those that have at least been given 1 ASBO and frequent street corners drinking something called "Special Brew"
Pieces of cucumber and a stern voice only for you I'm afraid.
Yes. Hand the bat in to the closest Constable ASAP. PCSO's will not do, H&S excludes them from handling a strange mans wood.
You may keep the wine club magazines to gently tap any potential intruder. However, a slap anywhere but over the left knuckle using more than 1KG per sq KM of pressure will constitute assault and you will be arrested, even if said intruder is killing you at the time with his sideways 9.
I had heard that reading out loud the more difficult words in said magazine constitutes an assault as I am "demeaning their differntly applied levels of comprehension" and this would result in life imprisonment with parole,my house and contents being given to underprivileged youths and my entire familly run out of their homes, their graves dug up unto the 5th generation,and all familly lands sown with salt