Am I Doomed

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Markintime, Jun 1, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. The Mem Sahib's bicycle was in for repair this week and she asked me if I'd go and pick it up from the cycle shop. Because it was a nice day, my bike needs a service and I need the exercise I decided to take my own bike and cycle the 5 miles to the cycle shop. It was only when I picked hers up it dawned on me, she has a Dutch 'sit up and beg' no-croosbar girlie bike with only 3 gears.
    To cheers from the guys in the cycle shop I set off back home with my polo shirt collar pulled up in the vain hope it will hide my identity. I was not far from home when a woman stepped out in front of me. I yanked on the brakes and skidded to a halt in front of this puffy, purrilant saggy boobed bright red GWAR. She looked at me and smiled (stuff of nightmares) and turned slightly towards me and said sorry.
    This woman would make Hattie Jacques look slim but when she turned she had a very low cut white and flowery vest which did nothing to conceal nipples the size of hitchhiker's thumbs pointing at her feet. She also had on a pair of red thin cotton cropped trousers with a huge camels toe with a dark red damp patch around it.
    Surely a GWAR crossing you path must be the strongest form of bad luck and I'll be doomed forever?
  2. Only bad luck if you didn't fire one up her :) She sounds lovely!!
  3. When you say not far - could you be more specific.

    If it was about 1 metre from the front door then it's probably your missus you have described. In which case - yep, you're doomed.
  4. I'll take eternal damnation then (unless you're willing to help a mate out?). :D
  5. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    You didn't happen to get her phone number, by chance? Only it sounds as if I know her. Or would like to.
  6. Nah, the Mem Sahib is a tall, blonde size 12 this would have taken an hour to cycle round.
  7. You sure?
  8. In English folklore it is considered bad luck when one's path is crossed by a stout female gwar and one can expect seven days bad luck. However, the Cheshire cat grin, display of downpointed nipples and damp toe of camel all indicate that the bad luck may be combined with moments of glory ... particularly when she re-appears later this evening. Just be careful during the following week and take adequate precautions; be watchful of hazards and ensure that you bungy a decorators step ladder across your arrse when she turns up again.

    Also bad luck is posting on ARRSE that you rode a faggotty, mincing, poofter bike ... you big sucky thumb girly cry baby you!
  9. K13eod - you didn't get a near miss from a bloke on a bike recently did you? He's just described the last photo that you posted of yourself.
  10. Worse yet he admits to wearing a Polo shirt... Poof...
  11. If she was that fat, ugly and bearded then MT needs to hide ... far away!
  12. Markintime, I've got a few days free coming up and would much like to spend my time tracking her down so I can sniff her clout then Dragon Punch the bitch Street Fighter style.

    What area of town was this?
    What time of day?
    Any clues as to where she was going?

    Thanks in advance, and I'll tell her you said hello

  13. So, Mark, it was YOU who skidded to a halt in front of me. 8O

    At last, we've met. :D

    Thought you'd be better-looking.
  14. Its only bad luck if you stopped. I would have kept going and powered into her, knocking her temporarily unconcious. Then I would have jumped into my old mans Mk 3 Land Rover and reversed over her. Either that or I would have invited her home and pummelled her to death Ian Brady style and then buried the body under my patio to ward off gypsies.
  15. YES I have no idea why but maybe you should kiss your hoop bye byes :D