Am I Doomed

#1
The Mem Sahib's bicycle was in for repair this week and she asked me if I'd go and pick it up from the cycle shop. Because it was a nice day, my bike needs a service and I need the exercise I decided to take my own bike and cycle the 5 miles to the cycle shop. It was only when I picked hers up it dawned on me, she has a Dutch 'sit up and beg' no-croosbar girlie bike with only 3 gears.
To cheers from the guys in the cycle shop I set off back home with my polo shirt collar pulled up in the vain hope it will hide my identity. I was not far from home when a woman stepped out in front of me. I yanked on the brakes and skidded to a halt in front of this puffy, purrilant saggy boobed bright red GWAR. She looked at me and smiled (stuff of nightmares) and turned slightly towards me and said sorry.
This woman would make Hattie Jacques look slim but when she turned she had a very low cut white and flowery vest which did nothing to conceal nipples the size of hitchhiker's thumbs pointing at her feet. She also had on a pair of red thin cotton cropped trousers with a huge camels toe with a dark red damp patch around it.
Surely a GWAR crossing you path must be the strongest form of bad luck and I'll be doomed forever?
 
#3
Markintime said:
The Mem Sahib's bicycle was in for repair this week and she asked me if I'd go and pick it up from the cycle shop. Because it was a nice day, my bike needs a service and I need the exercise I decided to take my own bike and cycle the 5 miles to the cycle shop. It was only when I picked hers up it dawned on me, she has a Dutch 'sit up and beg' no-croosbar girlie bike with only 3 gears.
To cheers from the guys in the cycle shop I set off back home with my polo shirt collar pulled up in the vain hope it will hide my identity. I was not far from home when a woman stepped out in front of me. I yanked on the brakes and skidded to a halt in front of this puffy, purrilant saggy boobed bright red GWAR. She looked at me and smiled (stuff of nightmares) and turned slightly towards me and said sorry.
This woman would make Hattie Jacques look slim but when she turned she had a very low cut white and flowery vest which did nothing to conceal nipples the size of hitchhiker's thumbs pointing at her feet. She also had on a pair of red thin cotton cropped trousers with a huge camels toe with a dark red damp patch around it.
Surely this must be the strongest form of bad luck and I'll be doomed forever?
When you say not far - could you be more specific.

If it was about 1 metre from the front door then it's probably your missus you have described. In which case - yep, you're doomed.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#5
You didn't happen to get her phone number, by chance? Only it sounds as if I know her. Or would like to.
 
#6
tattybadger said:
Markintime said:
The Mem Sahib's bicycle was in for repair this week and she asked me if I'd go and pick it up from the cycle shop. Because it was a nice day, my bike needs a service and I need the exercise I decided to take my own bike and cycle the 5 miles to the cycle shop. It was only when I picked hers up it dawned on me, she has a Dutch 'sit up and beg' no-croosbar girlie bike with only 3 gears.
To cheers from the guys in the cycle shop I set off back home with my polo shirt collar pulled up in the vain hope it will hide my identity. I was not far from home when a woman stepped out in front of me. I yanked on the brakes and skidded to a halt in front of this puffy, purrilant saggy boobed bright red GWAR. She looked at me and smiled (stuff of nightmares) and turned slightly towards me and said sorry.
This woman would make Hattie Jacques look slim but when she turned she had a very low cut white and flowery vest which did nothing to conceal nipples the size of hitchhiker's thumbs pointing at her feet. She also had on a pair of red thin cotton cropped trousers with a huge camels toe with a dark red damp patch around it.
Surely this must be the strongest form of bad luck and I'll be doomed forever?
When you say not far - could you be more specific.

If it was about 1 metre from the front door then it's probably your missus you have described. In which case - yep, you're doomed.
Nah, the Mem Sahib is a tall, blonde size 12 this would have taken an hour to cycle round.
 
#7
Markintime said:
tattybadger said:
Markintime said:
The Mem Sahib's bicycle was in for repair this week and she asked me if I'd go and pick it up from the cycle shop. Because it was a nice day, my bike needs a service and I need the exercise I decided to take my own bike and cycle the 5 miles to the cycle shop. It was only when I picked hers up it dawned on me, she has a Dutch 'sit up and beg' no-croosbar girlie bike with only 3 gears.
To cheers from the guys in the cycle shop I set off back home with my polo shirt collar pulled up in the vain hope it will hide my identity. I was not far from home when a woman stepped out in front of me. I yanked on the brakes and skidded to a halt in front of this puffy, purrilant saggy boobed bright red GWAR. She looked at me and smiled (stuff of nightmares) and turned slightly towards me and said sorry.
This woman would make Hattie Jacques look slim but when she turned she had a very low cut white and flowery vest which did nothing to conceal nipples the size of hitchhiker's thumbs pointing at her feet. She also had on a pair of red thin cotton cropped trousers with a huge camels toe with a dark red damp patch around it.
Surely this must be the strongest form of bad luck and I'll be doomed forever?
When you say not far - could you be more specific.

If it was about 1 metre from the front door then it's probably your missus you have described. In which case - yep, you're doomed.
Nah, the Mem Sahib is a tall, blonde size 12 this would have taken an hour to cycle round.
You sure?
 
#8
In English folklore it is considered bad luck when one's path is crossed by a stout female gwar and one can expect seven days bad luck. However, the Cheshire cat grin, display of downpointed nipples and damp toe of camel all indicate that the bad luck may be combined with moments of glory ... particularly when she re-appears later this evening. Just be careful during the following week and take adequate precautions; be watchful of hazards and ensure that you bungy a decorators step ladder across your arrse when she turns up again.

Also bad luck is posting on ARRSE that you rode a faggotty, mincing, poofter bike ... you big sucky thumb girly cry baby you!
 
#9
k13eod said:
In English folklore it is considered bad luck when one's path is crossed by a stout female gwar and one can expect seven days bad luck. However, the Cheshire cat grin, display of downpointed nipples and damp toe of camel all indicate that the bad luck may be combined with moments of glory ... particularly when she re-appears later this evening. Just be careful during the following week and take adequate precautions; be watchful of hazards and ensure that you bungy a decorators step ladder across your arrse when you turns up again.

Also bad luck is posting on ARRSE that you rode a faggotty, mincing, poofter bike ... you big sucky thumb girly cry baby you!
K13eod - you didn't get a near miss from a bloke on a bike recently did you? He's just described the last photo that you posted of yourself.
 
#10
Also bad luck is posting on ARRSE that you rode a faggotty, mincing, poofter bike ... you big sucky thumb girly cry baby you!
Worse yet he admits to wearing a Polo shirt... Poof...
 
#11
tattybadger said:
k13eod said:
In English folklore it is considered bad luck when one's path is crossed by a stout female gwar and one can expect seven days bad luck. However, the Cheshire cat grin, display of downpointed nipples and damp toe of camel all indicate that the bad luck may be combined with moments of glory ... particularly when she re-appears later this evening. Just be careful during the following week and take adequate precautions; be watchful of hazards and ensure that you bungy a decorators step ladder across your arrse when you turns up again.

Also bad luck is posting on ARRSE that you rode a faggotty, mincing, poofter bike ... you big sucky thumb girly cry baby you!
K13eod - you didn't get a near miss from a bloke on a bike recently did you? He's just described the last photo that you posted of yourself.
If she was that fat, ugly and bearded then MT needs to hide ... far away!
 
#13
So, Mark, it was YOU who skidded to a halt in front of me. 8O

At last, we've met. :D

Thought you'd be better-looking.
 
#14
Its only bad luck if you stopped. I would have kept going and powered into her, knocking her temporarily unconcious. Then I would have jumped into my old mans Mk 3 Land Rover and reversed over her. Either that or I would have invited her home and pummelled her to death Ian Brady style and then buried the body under my patio to ward off gypsies.
 
#15
YES I have no idea why but maybe you should kiss your hoop bye byes :D
 

TheIronDuke

On ROPS
On ROPs
Book Reviewer
#16
Markintime said:
The Mem Sahib's bicycle

she asked me if I'd go and pick it up

I need the exercise

my own bike

girlie bike

with my polo shirt collar pulled up
Is the jury still out on this fruitbat? Guilty as charged M'Lud. Case for the prosecution rests. Bring forward the next guilty bastard
 
#17
TheIronDuke said:
Markintime said:
The Mem Sahib's bicycle

she asked me if I'd go and pick it up

I need the exercise

my own bike

girlie bike

with my polo shirt collar pulled up
Is the jury still out on this fruitbat? Guilty as charged M'Lud. Case for the prosecution rests. Bring forward the next guilty bastard
Markintime is Jarrods secret lover!
 

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