Alzheimers; a right bastard

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Sorry to hear that. Watching it happen to someone you love and remember as different person must be torture.
 

Schmoe

War Hero
@Schmoe saw you post although you have deleted it. Sending hugs, but more practically, can you get help? Social services can be of use, depending who you get, and can you bear to kick your siblings in some way that will result in them sharing your load?

Hang in there!
Well, after a pretty crappy Christmas and New Year, we move into January.

Mums Alzheimer’s is now pretty much full blown now. I’ve likened it to her being in an elevator, which drops floors, and might climb back up some, but never back to the floor she descended from. She dropped a number over the last few weeks, and not much recovery.

We did have the district nurse popping in to assess both my parents, but Dad in his infinite wisdom has refused all help. Says they’re coping, whilst my wife and I tear around behind them sorting stuff out.

He’s been playing the Martyrdom card, which has nearly resulted in his murder by me, especially as this came after he had refused all bloody help from the district nurse etc.

Before anyone else says where’s the rest of the family, well despite our requests and calls for help, sweet FA from them, so there’s definitely going to be a reckoning when this all ends.

Finally after much discussion, they’re getting the bathroom turned into a wet room, as mum is incapable of washing herself, and thankfully at the moment, my Dads handles that, please God that remains the same.

It’s his one year anniversary of his heart attack, and at the moment he seems to be doing ok.

This is putting a lot of pressure on the wife and I, but fortunately I married an absolute gem.

I am currently keeping a secret from her, had a few issues with teeth recently, which I posted in the Emperor Mong thread.

Been to see a few specialists, and have been referred further up the chain for biopsies and a scan of my jaw bone, so waiting to see what the hella going on there, hopefully nothing but doctors wanting to try new toys.

Life’s one great bloody adventure at the moment.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Sorry to hear that Schmoe. Can you arrange to be there when these folk visit, to explain how much work you have to do in he background so he can 'manage '?
 

ancient

War Hero
Well, after a pretty crappy Christmas and New Year, we move into January.

Mums Alzheimer’s is now pretty much full blown now. I’ve likened it to her being in an elevator, which drops floors, and might climb back up some, but never back to the floor she descended from. She dropped a number over the last few weeks, and not much recovery.

We did have the district nurse popping in to assess both my parents, but Dad in his infinite wisdom has refused all help. Says they’re coping, whilst my wife and I tear around behind them sorting stuff out.

He’s been playing the Martyrdom card, which has nearly resulted in his murder by me, especially as this came after he had refused all bloody help from the district nurse etc.

Before anyone else says where’s the rest of the family, well despite our requests and calls for help, sweet FA from them, so there’s definitely going to be a reckoning when this all ends.

Finally after much discussion, they’re getting the bathroom turned into a wet room, as mum is incapable of washing herself, and thankfully at the moment, my Dads handles that, please God that remains the same.

It’s his one year anniversary of his heart attack, and at the moment he seems to be doing ok.

This is putting a lot of pressure on the wife and I, but fortunately I married an absolute gem.

I am currently keeping a secret from her, had a few issues with teeth recently, which I posted in the Emperor Mong thread.

Been to see a few specialists, and have been referred further up the chain for biopsies and a scan of my jaw bone, so waiting to see what the hella going on there, hopefully nothing but doctors wanting to try new toys.

Life’s one great bloody adventure at the moment.
My Dad also refused all help. He didn't do the martyr thing, he just told anybody and everybody that he was fine. They were both fine. No problem here. He'd got this.

Quite clearly he was falling apart. He wasn't keeping either of them clean or properly fed and the house was squalid. He was also completely convinced that only he understood "Mum's problems", nobody else could handle her and only he should look after her.

When, after many years of fruitless pleading and arm twisting, on my part, I finally got him to put her into respite care for one day, he spent the whole day outside the respite home gates waiting for the anticipated call to come in and take charge again.

Eventually, after several respite days, he accepted that maybe the excellent staff did know what they were doing and she ended up in full time care where she is fed and cleaned properly and until recently stimulated. She's so far gone now that she doesn't respond to anything, she just sits, although sometimes she chants "one a penny, two a penny", but that is all.

I would urge you to get your Mum into respite care for the odd day. Your Dad will get some rest and you can catch up. Quite clearly, as will everyone else in this situation, she will be in full time care sooner or later and it would make sense to start a recce as soon as is convenient.

Regarding your siblings. Like mine: bastards. My younger brother is a dole scrounger who has never completed a weeks work in his life and yet is "too busy" to help. He's utterly feckless anyway and couldn't make a rational decision if his life depended on it, but he could have helped Mrs Ancient in the UK while I was commuting to France, at vast expenditure of cash and time, to help my Dad. My sister is also too busy, she's civ plod with Surrey Police but has two horses that take priority and anyway, I'm self employed so I can apparently take time off whenever I need to. I have power of Attorney over both my parents affairs. As you say. there will be a ******* reckoning when all this is over and done.
 
Last edited:

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Yes, we’ve been there, but unless they agree, it doesn’t happen.
Is he in a financial position to pay for someone 'just to give a hand'?
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
My Dad also refused all help. He didn't do the martyr thing, he just told anybody and everybody that he was fine. They were both fine. No problem here. He'd got this.

Quite clearly he was falling apart. He wasn't keeping either of them clean or properly fed and the house was squalid. He was also completely convinced that only he understood "Mum's problems", nobody else could handle her and only he should look after her.

When, after many years of fruitless pleading and arm twisting, on my part, I finally got him to put her into respite care for one day, he spent the whole day outside the respite home gates waiting for the anticipated call to come in and take charge again.

Eventually, after several respite days, he accepted that maybe the excellent staff did know what they were doing and she ended up in full time care where she is fed and cleaned properly and until recently stimulated. She's so far gone now that she doesn't respond to anything, she just sits, although sometimes she chants "one a penny, two a penny", but that is all.

I would urge you to get your Mum into respite care for the odd day. Your Dad will get some rest and you can catch up. Quite clearly, as will everyone else in this situation, she will be in full time care sooner or later and it would make sense to start a recce as soon as is convenient.

Regarding your siblings. Like mine: bastards. My younger brother is a dole scrounger who has never completed a weeks work in his life and yet is "too busy" to help. He's utterly feckless anyway and couldn't make a rational decision if his life depended on it, but he could have helped Mrs Ancient in the UK while I was commuting to France, at vast expenditure of cash and time, to help my Dad. My sister is also too busy, she's civ plod with Surrey Police but has two horses that take priority and anyway, I'm self employed so I can apparently take time off whenever I need to. I have power of Attorney over both my parents affairs. As you say. the will be a ******* reckoning when all this is over and done.
That sounds like excellent advice. We did the respite care thing with the late Mother In Law. One week every couple or three months. Her hubby was transformed. He did have the support of all her children and grandchildren though. Made a difference.
 

Schmoe

War Hero
Is he in a financial position to pay for someone 'just to give a hand'?
He’s got the money, recently explained to him an inheritance is what’s left AFTER they’ve finished with it, and that he should spend spend spend. Hence the new wet room bathroom being fitted.

If they got help they would pay for it....


But they don’t think they need it and won’t ask or pay for it. Believe me when I say that we have pushed for them to get extra help, and that’s what it would be. We wouldn’t pull back with what we are doing, but it would give more time for my Dad to sleep.

If anything happens to my Dad, my Mum will have to go into a home, despite me promising not too. She’s full time care now, can’t be left alone and can’t help herself.

We can’t afford to stop working and full time care for her, much as that will hurt.
 
He’s got the money, recently explained to him an inheritance is what’s left AFTER they’ve finished with it, and that he should spend spend spend. Hence the new wet room bathroom being fitted.

If they got help they would pay for it....


But they don’t think they need it and won’t ask or pay for it. Believe me when I say that we have pushed for them to get extra help, and that’s what it would be. We wouldn’t pull back with what we are doing, but it would give more time for my Dad to sleep.

If anything happens to my Dad, my Mum will have to go into a home, despite me promising not too. She’s full time care now, can’t be left alone and can’t help herself.

We can’t afford to stop working and full time care for her, much as that will hurt.
If you are able and willing then write to your mothers GP and give the true facts, you can ask your name is not mentioned as reporting it, however such info can guide the care services in working for your mother and fathers best interest, eg focus assessment and such on the most important issues first,.

By doing the above you are not going behind parents back, you are merely giving the care services a complete picture and doing best for your mother.

Sadly in these times of services being overstretched, if a carer (your father) says they are coping or minimises issues then it will be recorded as such, limited resources being put where those who shout loudest or are in most obvious need are.
 
Fecking hell, I just received some news that a good friend of mine and ex colleague has shot himself through the heart and was found in his pole barn yesterday morning. Apparently he left a note stating that he received the bad news that he had alzheimers a few months back and after putting his affairs in order, he stated that he neither wanted to die that way or be a bother to anyone.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending how you look at it his wife died a few years back, they didn't have any kids and I'm not sure what other family there is.

A nicer guy you couldn't meet.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Fecking hell, I just received some news that a good friend of mine and ex colleague has shot himself through the heart and was found in his pole barn yesterday morning. Apparently he left a note stating that he received the bad news that he had alzheimers a few months back and after putting his affairs in order, he stated that he neither wanted to die that way or be a bother to anyone.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending how you look at it his wife died a few years back, they didn't have any kids and I'm not sure what other family there is.

A nicer guy you couldn't meet.
So sorry, my condolences.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Fecking hell, I just received some news that a good friend of mine and ex colleague has shot himself through the heart and was found in his pole barn yesterday morning. Apparently he left a note stating that he received the bad news that he had alzheimers a few months back and after putting his affairs in order, he stated that he neither wanted to die that way or be a bother to anyone.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending how you look at it his wife died a few years back, they didn't have any kids and I'm not sure what other family there is.

A nicer guy you couldn't meet.
That must be heartbreaking for you. Tough for him, but I hope I would be able to do this.
 

Schmoe

War Hero
That must be heartbreaking for you. Tough for him, but I hope I would be able to do this.
Fecking hell, I just received some news that a good friend of mine and ex colleague has shot himself through the heart and was found in his pole barn yesterday morning. Apparently he left a note stating that he received the bad news that he had alzheimers a few months back and after putting his affairs in order, he stated that he neither wanted to die that way or be a bother to anyone.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending how you look at it his wife died a few years back, they didn't have any kids and I'm not sure what other family there is.

A nicer guy you couldn't meet.
Sorry to hear this, but this is exactly what I plan on doing if I get hit by this bastard disease.
Grandad and mum got/have it.

I will not inflict it on my wife and son.

Whilst you grieve for your friend, understand this, he wanted to go on his terms, his way and under his control. Something that Alzheimer’s absolutely robs you of.

Whilst it hurts you to know that he’s gone, he hasn’t melted away before your eyes.

The above may sound heartless, it’s not meant to be.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Sorry to hear this, but this is exactly what I plan on doing if I get hit by this bastard disease.
Grandad and mum got/have it.

I will not inflict it on my wife and son.

Whilst you grieve for your friend, understand this, he wanted to go on his terms, his way and under his control. Something that Alzheimer’s absolutely robs you of.

Whilst it hurts you to know that he’s gone, he hasn’t melted away before your eyes.

The above may sound heartless, it’s not meant to be.
It doesn't sound heartless. It sums up just how I feel. I will not do this to my family.
 
That must be heartbreaking for you. Tough for him, but I hope I would be able to do this.
I've known the guy for decades, we went through the State Police Academy together and served at a couple of the same posts. I just can't believe it as I spoke with him only a few weeks back and he never mentioned anything.

I'm absolutely gutted for the man.
 
Sorry to hear this, but this is exactly what I plan on doing if I get hit by this bastard disease.
Grandad and mum got/have it.

I will not inflict it on my wife and son.

Whilst you grieve for your friend, understand this, he wanted to go on his terms, his way and under his control. Something that Alzheimer’s absolutely robs you of.

Whilst it hurts you to know that he’s gone, he hasn’t melted away before your eyes.

The above may sound heartless, it’s not meant to be.
Schmoe, not taken as heartless mate and I understand what you mean. I've always said that if I end up with incurable cancer or something like alzheimers, I'll do myself in as well, and I will.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
I'm absolutely gutted for the man.
What you're feeling is your own loss. Be thankful he didn't leave anyone else close to him grieving. Be strong and think of the good times, he wouldn't want to cause you distress. He made it easy for himself and others in the future.
 
What you're feeling is your own loss. Be thankful he didn't leave anyone else close to him grieving. Be strong and think of the good times, he wouldn't want to cause you distress. He made it easy for himself and others in the future.
I get that mate and thanks for that. I just wish he had said something to me. Hell even if he had told me what he had planned, I wouldn't have tried talking him out of it. It's just such a damn shock.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
I get that mate and thanks for that. I just wish he had said something to me. Hell even if he had told me what he had planned, I wouldn't have tried talking him out of it. It's just such a damn shock.
Of course it is a shock! But that will pass in its own good time and be replaced by happier memories.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
greyfergie The NAAFI Bar 49
Goatman Old & Bold 6
finnjim Miscellaneous Jokes 0

Top