Alzheimers; a right bastard

wheel

LE
1) No, no access to respite care - Sister-in-law and I haven't discussed that yet, mainly due to the rapid decline of Mrs Dave over the last few weeks, which has caught us slightly flat-footed. It's something we will address in the near future. Thanks for the info.

I do escape one morning a week to meet my mate and we discuss all the problems of the world, etc. He's a retired vicar and has a good breadth of knowledge of illness/compassion with his previous congregations, etc. Also, he's ex-TA so he has a similar mindset and is able to share a military humour slant on most unedifying subjects.

2) It really is a release of the safety valve being able to express feelings and situations with the ARRSE community and I always feel uplifted after a good moan (as long as I don't do it too often).

Thanks again to everyone, it's a hard slog, but we'll get to the end of this one way and another. Keep up the good work :)
Thoughts are with you mate keep your chin up and remember to take care of yourself as well.
 
Thoughts are with you mate keep your chin up and remember to take care of yourself as well.
That "taking care of yourself as well" part is a big MUST.
Mum wore herself down looking after Dad & refusing help until she could no longer cope.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
It's bloody heartbreaking isn't it? I absolutely feel for you.

Next month I'm off to Nice to see my Mum again knowing that there is not the slightest chance that she will recognise me. I know also that my Father will ask her if she recognises him, and will beam with delight when she says "Yes".

But she quite clearly doesn't. She's just a really nice person.

She makes no sense, cannot string a sentence together and frequently dozes off in mid sentence. I really hope she's in a good mood. I don't want to travel all the way from South Wales for her to dismiss me off hand as she's "too busy right now to talk" and go back to watching the wall.

I'll stay as long as I can as I'm fairly certain that this will be the last time I see her alive. I know she might go on for ages, but one look at her tells me that she's not long for this world.

I have a six year old daughter who I think I might take along. Partly for the South of France sunshine for a weekend but also to see her Granny, who she knows is very old and her brain doesn't work very well. But I'm in two minds. I think Mum might be delighted but she won't remember once she's fallen asleep that we were ever there.

Any thoughts on that?
In my humble opinion you should do what is right for you, your father and your daughter. If your Mother genuinely won't remember, those are the people who need to be happy and contented that they have done the right thing. You obviously care a great deal for all of them, and I'm impressed about how you have gone about this.
 

joey88

Clanker
I have only just read through this thread, the title is very appropriate. I have been caring for my mother since the Alzheimer's diagnosis five years ago. I can relate to a lot of the experiences here.
As mum began to seriously deteriorate it really stressed me out, mainly because I could not make it better and I felt I was letting her down.
I now have support from the local council with care so I can carry on working and mum can still live at home.
I know it won't get better and I can deal with the situations when she doesn't know who I am.
 
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spins

Old-Salt
Years ago I posted about my dad's dementia and decline and how dreadful it was. I can't find any reference to this so apologies if it has already been done. I have just finished reading Wendy Mitchell's Somebody I used to Know Very moving but also an amazing story of someone who refuses to be defined by her dementia. Not all who live with dementia are the same but it, the book, has made me rethink how I speak to and behave around my mother in law who is now living with this bloody awful thing. If you don't buy the book have a look at her blog.

One of the key expressions Wendy Mitchell goes on about in the book is that she doesn't 'suffer from' dementia, she lives with it. I now try and use that expression whenever I'm discussing it.



spins
 

ancient

War Hero
A bit of cheerful news for once. I think.

My 83 year old Dad was sounding quite chipper a few weeks ago. Normally he's been talking about "Mum's problem" and nothing much else although he's been a lot more outgoing since Mum went into full time care and has started seeing friends and taking part in local activities in his little home town in Southern France.

He's had a cleaning lady in once a fortnight for the last four years after my sister and I leaned on him as the house was getting squalid from neglect. I've not met her but I gather she is a 50 year old widowed Pilipino lady who makes a few bob doing domestic cleaning and geriatric care.

It turns out that there seems to have been more to this relationship than meets the eye and that she has agreed to move in with him and on more than an official housekeeper relationship.

I suspect that there is a certain amount of gold digging going on here: Dad is more than comfortably off, but at some stage he will need full time care to stay in his 14th century, 6 storey house, they get along very well obviously, she has some experience of looking after geriatrics and he needs the company badly, as he gets very lonely on his own.

Win, win I think.

Or do I?

Mum is still alive, but honestly not for long, and she's never coming out of the nursing home except in a hearse. Dad is absolutely entitled to enjoy his life as much as he is able, she may cost him a few quid but he's not a fool and is careful with his cash. He gets a free housekeeper, companion, nurse and someone to watch over him, presumably he will start to eat healthy meals instead of the past sell by date rubbish that he microwaves and she gets someone to look out for her and she will let out her inherited house as she has no money of her own.

I've been very encouraging to Dad, as he will do what he wants anyway, but I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all.

I'm off to France next Friday so any thoughts would be of interest.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
All sounds good to me. Live and let live - he deserves to be happy. The last few years must have been tough for him.
 
My Mother in law has this bastard disease as well and it's heartbreaking to see. She's 91 years old and physically she is still agile and fit as a fiddle. Unfortunately the time has come to put her in care, a couple of weeks back she manged to let herself out of the house and wandered off down the road.

The old man went after her to bring her back and she got pretty violent with him, so much so he had to call an ambulance and she was admitted to hospital. They drugged her up to calm her down and kept her in for a few days.

The old man along with my missus and two of her brother went along at the weekend to view a care home that specializes in caring for people with Alzheimers. It's been hard on all of them, especially the old fella. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
 

joey88

Clanker
A bit of cheerful news for once. I think.

My 83 year old Dad was sounding quite chipper a few weeks ago. Normally he's been talking about "Mum's problem" and nothing much else although he's been a lot more outgoing since Mum went into full time care and has started seeing friends and taking part in local activities in his little home town in Southern France.

He's had a cleaning lady in once a fortnight for the last four years after my sister and I leaned on him as the house was getting squalid from neglect. I've not met her but I gather she is a 50 year old widowed Pilipino lady who makes a few bob doing domestic cleaning and geriatric care.

It turns out that there seems to have been more to this relationship than meets the eye and that she has agreed to move in with him and on more than an official housekeeper relationship.

I suspect that there is a certain amount of gold digging going on here: Dad is more than comfortably off, but at some stage he will need full time care to stay in his 14th century, 6 storey house, they get along very well obviously, she has some experience of looking after geriatrics and he needs the company badly, as he gets very lonely on his own.

Win, win I think.

Or do I?

Mum is still alive, but honestly not for long, and she's never coming out of the nursing home except in a hearse. Dad is absolutely entitled to enjoy his life as much as he is able, she may cost him a few quid but he's not a fool and is careful with his cash. He gets a free housekeeper, companion, nurse and someone to watch over him, presumably he will start to eat healthy meals instead of the past sell by date rubbish that he microwaves and she gets someone to look out for her and she will let out her inherited house as she has no money of her own.

I've been very encouraging to Dad, as he will do what he wants anyway, but I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all.

I'm off to France next Friday so any thoughts would be of interest.
Good for your dad, as long as he is happy and you as a family are comfortable with the whole arrangement everything seems great. All the best.
 
Have just been to wife's godmother's funeral. Last 3 years a complete vegetable more or less.

Got through savings in care at the rate of £1,000 per week until they reached minimum savings level and council chipped in.

No quality of life, no quality of life for her close family.

You lose them twice. Once when the mind goes, once whe the body goes.

We're all glad she is dead if you understand me, as watching her shrink to a husk was pretty much torture.

If I get like that please shoot me.
 
Have just been to wife's godmother's funeral. Last 3 years a complete vegetable more or less.

Got through savings in care at the rate of £1,000 per week until they reached minimum savings level and council chipped in.

No quality of life, no quality of life for her close family.

You lose them twice. Once when the mind goes, once whe the body goes.

We're all glad she is dead if you understand me, as watching her shrink to a husk was pretty much torture.

If I get like that please shoot me.
I tell you mate, if I ever get diagnosed with it I'll be heading to California and getting the assisted suicide while I'm still able to. I'll be fücked if I'm going to live like that.
 
I tell you mate, if I ever get diagnosed with it I'll be heading to California and getting the assisted suicide while I'm still able to. I'll be fücked if I'm going to live like that.

Hopefully by then, you won't know too much about it, class A pharmaceuticals will deaden the pain.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Just a brief thought for those going through this difficult process -

The loved one would not want you to suffer.

And if they are being cared for in a good place, they are probably better off than you are. Don't beat yourself up about them not recognising you etc. They're OK, just regressing back to basics. It's called "second childhood" for a reason.

They are not "suffering" in the way that our functioning brains understand the term.

Let them slip away to wherever they want to go, and remember them with joy not sadness.
 
They are not "suffering" in the way that our functioning brains understand the term.
I don't know about that mate, there's been a fair few times when I've heard my Mother in law say she doesn't want to go on and just wants to die. She doesn't recognise her husband and believes she's being held against her will by a stranger.
 
Does anyone have experience of obtaining Power of Attorney ( health and financial) for a Dementia sufferer ?
My mother has dementia and now needs full time care but has always refused to grant POA to anyone. Is there a way of obtaining POA without having her Sectioned ? The care costs could be covered by her liquid assets, and ultimately by the cash left to her by my father after his death in February when probate is granted, In the meantime I'm looking down the barrel of £ 850 a week.
Having her Sectioned seems a horribly invasive way of going about things.
Any thoughts wold be greatly appreciated.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Does anyone have experience of obtaining Power of Attorney ( health and financial) for a Dementia sufferer ?
My mother has dementia and now needs full time care but has always refused to grant POA to anyone. Is there a way of obtaining POA without having her Sectioned ? The care costs could be covered by her liquid assets, and ultimately by the cash left to her by my father after his death in February when probate is granted, In the meantime I'm looking down the barrel of £ 850 a week.
Having her Sectioned seems a horribly invasive way of going about things.
Any thoughts wold be greatly appreciated.
Do you have a Lasting Power of Attorney or Enduring Power of Attorney in place already? If so you will need her GP to agree that it should be activated, apply to the Court of Protection for said activation and off you go.

If there's nothing in place already and she's a way down the slope, it's too late, sadly.

Can you get her accounts made joint accounts with you? That might be a start.

Edit to add there's a lot of useful stuff on the Government website about the process, timing and how long it all takes.
 
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Does anyone have experience of obtaining Power of Attorney ( health and financial) for a Dementia sufferer ?
My mother has dementia and now needs full time care but has always refused to grant POA to anyone. Is there a way of obtaining POA without having her Sectioned ? The care costs could be covered by her liquid assets, and ultimately by the cash left to her by my father after his death in February when probate is granted, In the meantime I'm looking down the barrel of £ 850 a week.
Having her Sectioned seems a horribly invasive way of going about things.
Any thoughts wold be greatly appreciated.
Very sorry to hear that , my mother went down a similar path. We did manage to get her to sign a POA for her financial many years ago. She had many falls and went into hospital many times, last time , last year , in hospital the Dr. looking after her , after myself and my sister ( who is a Dr. as well ) said we had a POA . Then we found out it was only the financial one. With the Dr. knowing how hard it was for us , he accepted the POA for finance and got my mother to sign for the health in front of him as witness, even though it was my sister holding her hand and moving the pen.

Worst thing it then took , I think 3 months to be made legal.

By then my mother was in a care home/ hospice and died four months later.

Very sorry for you and good luck with whatever you do.
 
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Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Thankyou both OB and GR for your kindness in replying. I'll have a look at the Government website in the a.m.
O.B. I am very sorry for your loss.
Best of luck, old fruit. I have put PoA plans in place for my offspring now, so he won't have to go through what you are suffering at the moment. I wish you well.
 
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