Alzheimers; a right bastard

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Sounds grim, and will take its toll on you. See your own GP fpr help for yourself. Keep trying to persuade your Dad that something must change. He's had a scare and you have stepped into the breach - next time might be different. Persevere, pointing out that he can't manage your mother on his own, professional care is needed.
 

Poppy

LE
Pretty tired at the moment.
Still at my parents, just over two weeks now.

Going to have to chase up the community nurse, as there’s been no contact so far.

Dads getting better, but can’t be left alone with mum.

Mum is bloody hard work, all sorts of gibberish coming out of her, hallucinations and basically bloody hard to deal with.

Maintaining a happy exterior, but it’s getting more difficult.

Got the LPA’s well underway, but won’t make much difference whilst my dad is adamant that things will stay as they are, which means I’m bloody stuck here, as it’s all downhill if I go.

Moan over.
do they go to church? I'm sure my dad only agreed to mum going into a care home (despite her saying she'd be better off in one as she could see how hard it was for him trying to look after her) because his vicar recommended the one she's in - or anyone he may listen to?
 

Schmoe

War Hero
Absolutely ******* livid at the moment.

Over the last few days I’ve been backing off, and giving them both time together.

Which means I have left them to sort their own lunch and pills. (They’re all sorted, they just have to take them.

Every time I’ve come back, medicine has not been taken.

After a lot of pushing, the community nurse phones up, and guess who answered the phone and said they’re fine. He tells me they’re coping fine.

If I was a complete ******, I’d pack my bags and go and leave him to it.

Hes told me that he doesn’t want to take over anyone else’s life....


What the duck did he think the community nurse was about.

Seriously pissed off with him at the moment.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Absolutely ******* livid at the moment.

Over the last few days I’ve been backing off, and giving them both time together.

Which means I have left them to sort their own lunch and pills. (They’re all sorted, they just have to take them.

Every time I’ve come back, medicine has not been taken.

After a lot of pushing, the community nurse phones up, and guess who answered the phone and said they’re fine. He tells me they’re coping fine.

If I was a complete ******, I’d pack my bags and go and leave him to it.

Hes told me that he doesn’t want to take over anyone else’s life....


What the duck did he think the community nurse was about.

Seriously pissed off with him at the moment.
We had the same problem with my aunt, who would turn her carers away saying she didn't need them, then ring family to look after her.

Hard to handle, because you can't force care on them, but you could try pointing out that meds not being taken could be grounds for removal to a Home!
 

Schmoe

War Hero
well, it’s all gone tits up!

Pretty much been accused of having an agenda.

I have had to walk away, for my sanity.

Can’t help those who don’t want to be helped, but can help myself by finding a new job, as I’ve lost the one I had.
 
well, it’s all gone tits up!

Pretty much been accused of having an agenda.

I have had to walk away, for my sanity.

Can’t help those who don’t want to be helped, but can help myself by finding a new job, as I’ve lost the one I had.
I'm so sorry, Schmoe. I've been lurking on this thread and following your experience with a feeling of dread as I'm trying to wrangle sick and stubborn parents on the other side of the country.

As GRB said, you stepped into the breach at personal cost and you're right, people have to recognise the need to be helped and accept it when offered. The elderly failing parents/competent child scenario is always going to be fraught if there's no acceptance of the realities of the situation.

Hard as it is, I think you've done the right thing for now - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Your dad seems determined to learn by experience, regardless of how unnecessarily horrible that's going to be, and I hope some time without you in the house making things run smoothly will give him a different perspective.

Good luck with the job search and please be kind to yourself.
 
well, it’s all gone tits up!

Pretty much been accused of having an agenda.

I have had to walk away, for my sanity.

Can’t help those who don’t want to be helped, but can help myself by finding a new job, as I’ve lost the one I had.
Best thing to do is leave him to it but for your own peace of mind, make sure he knows you'll do what you can, if asked.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
I'm so sorry, Schmoe. I've been lurking on this thread and following your experience with a feeling of dread as I'm trying to wrangle sick and stubborn parents on the other side of the country.

As GRB said, you stepped into the breach at personal cost and you're right, people have to recognise the need to be helped and accept it when offered. The elderly failing parents/competent child scenario is always going to be fraught if there's no acceptance of the realities of the situation.

Hard as it is, I think you've done the right thing for now - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Your dad seems determined to learn by experience, regardless of how unnecessarily horrible that's going to be, and I hope some time without you in the house making things run smoothly will give him a different perspective.

Good luck with the job search and please be kind to yourself.
What she said.

For now, withdraw, look after tourself and your employment, call them often to see how they are and let them know you are there if needed.
 

Poppy

LE
I agree with the above - I tried to persuade my dad to go to the home my mum's in but he won't and I simply can't give him the support he needs so I've been hard hearted and taken a step back. I feel guilty but can't take it anymore after the last 3 years :(

it's hard when it's parents but as other people (wiser than me :) ) have said take care of your own sanity!

good luck
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Schmoe, my dear, you need professional help. Please go back to his GP and yours. One of them will be able to advise, and to get you the support you need.
Sending love... which isn't very practical.
 

Poppy

LE
Schmoe, my dear, you need professional help. Please go back to his GP and yours. One of them will be able to advise, and to get you the support you need.
Sending love... which isn't very practical.
may not be practical but your advice is :)
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Wot GRB said. If possible get Community Matron involved !


Social services tend to be full of shite, senior nurses not so much.

Good luck.
 

Schmoe

War Hero
Unfortunately he is refusing to deal with anyone.

We aren’t speaking, at all, as I have been accused of having an ulterior motive.

He told the community nurse that they are coping and need no help.

My wife has been round there today, and is expecting him to turn on her soon.

Obviously I’m not happy with the situation, and will try to overwatch from afar for my mums sake.

But he has been so offensive, so vicious that at the moment I’m washing my hands of him.

I’ve been here before with him, but this time he’s really gone for it, guess I am just going to have to leave him to it.
 
Unfortunately he is refusing to deal with anyone.

We aren’t speaking, at all, as I have been accused of having an ulterior motive.

He told the community nurse that they are coping and need no help.

My wife has been round there today, and is expecting him to turn on her soon.

Obviously I’m not happy with the situation, and will try to overwatch from afar for my mums sake.

But he has been so offensive, so vicious that at the moment I’m washing my hands of him.

I’ve been here before with him, but this time he’s really gone for it, guess I am just going to have to leave him to it.
Saw the content of your deleted post as it still appeared in my inbox.

Sit back & get your own life back on line matey, otherwise you'll be no use to anyone, including yourself.

Were it me, I'd write him a note, pointing out that what I did was solely to help, with no ulterior motive & such help will be available in future on the same terms.
WTF does he think you're after in any case - his stash of krugerrands?
 

Schmoe

War Hero
Saw the content of your deleted post as it still appeared in my inbox.

Sit back & get your own life back on line matey, otherwise you'll be no use to anyone, including yourself.

Were it me, I'd write him a note, pointing out that what I did was solely to help, with no ulterior motive & such help will be available in future on the same terms.
WTF does he think you're after in any case - his stash of krugerrands?
This is going to be my last post on this for a while, as I need to get some perspective on the whole situation.

I would send him a note, but as he as completely ignored all the literature that I’ve given him with regards to my Mums dementia, and his heart condition, even though I’ve read it to him until I’m blue in the face.

I don’t think a notes going to make a difference.

I’ve also explained and know that what he’s got is going to go on my mums care.

After extensive reading, because the doctor can’t tell me, I reckon she’s in mid to early late stage dementia.

He has been telling me that we don’t know where this is going, I have repeatedly and and as gently as possible explained exactly where this is going.

Late stage dementia is pretty bloody horrible, and she is going to need every bit of help and care that she needs.

After advice, I had been trying to get him to separate their finances, so that he’d having something left for him, but at 50 years I am still apparently a small child who knows nothing.

The big problem for him, is my mum.

Not her dementia, more that she was his cooling rods in the reactor of his anger. She can’t do that now, so he’s going to continue down this line.

My wife is still visiting, and will do so for as long as possible, but even she has said he will turn on her.

Have no idea what to do, I care about both of them, even if I want to punch him! (Mentally at least).

About the only advice I can give anyone with ageing parents, is good luck!
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
This is going to be my last post on this for a while, as I need to get some perspective on the whole situation.

I would send him a note, but as he as completely ignored all the literature that I’ve given him with regards to my Mums dementia, and his heart condition, even though I’ve read it to him until I’m blue in the face.

I don’t think a notes going to make a difference.

I’ve also explained and know that what he’s got is going to go on my mums care.

After extensive reading, because the doctor can’t tell me, I reckon she’s in mid to early late stage dementia.

He has been telling me that we don’t know where this is going, I have repeatedly and and as gently as possible explained exactly where this is going.

Late stage dementia is pretty bloody horrible, and she is going to need every bit of help and care that she needs.

After advice, I had been trying to get him to separate their finances, so that he’d having something left for him, but at 50 years I am still apparently a small child who knows nothing.

The big problem for him, is my mum.

Not her dementia, more that she was his cooling rods in the reactor of his anger. She can’t do that now, so he’s going to continue down this line.

My wife is still visiting, and will do so for as long as possible, but even she has said he will turn on her.

Have no idea what to do, I care about both of them, even if I want to punch him! (Mentally at least).

About the only advice I can give anyone with ageing parents, is good luck!
I feel your pain. For your own sanity, a little space is a good thing. It's hard to let him make a complete hash of things but you're going to have to let him do that. Can you write to his GP explaining their situation and your understanding of how they are reacting to it? Maybe a change of messenger will help get the message through.

Keep your chin up. You have done the right thing for the right reasons.
 

ancient

War Hero
I have to say that reading the above I'm very pleased to say that things have got much better for my family since Mum went into the home. She is happy (as far as we can tell) eats well, although she can't handle cutlery any more and is vastly better entertained, cared for and fed than when she was living at home.

Dad still feels the guilt of having, as he sometimes calls it "abandoned her" but accepts now that it was the only way forward for either of them.

We have , at last, sorted out POA and french Tutelle and had them accepted by the UK banks so fees are covered for as long as needs be.

Dad is now thinking about selling the house. It has 68 uneven steps from front door to the roof terrace and whilst that keeps him fit, his knees are giving way steadily and he's finding it a bit much. His vague plan is to sell the house and rent somewhere, hopefully warden assisted, until he needs full time care himself or as he puts it "drops off the perch".

My only regrets are that we didn't get POA settled and that Mum didn't get into full time professional care much earlier. So much heartbreak could have been avoided if we had started planning as soon as she was diagnosed instead of living in increasingly desperate denial for 5 years.

Also I wish I had leaned on my sibling much harder to pull his weight. I've been to Nice and back twice a month for over a year to support and assist Dad which has cost a bundle in time and cash. However, my feckless wastrel of a brother has done nothing to help or contribute in any way and has behaved throughout as though this is nothing to do with him. He is a shit of the highest order.
 

Grownup_Rafbrat

LE
Book Reviewer
Glad to see things are looking up for you. And your Dad.
 
Life has kicked the shit out of me. It's dealt me many bad hands. I don't complain.

But I pray to that great god in the sky that I don't believe in: Please, don't do this to me. Anything but this.

I could make your heart weep, if you would care to listen.

Alzheimers is about the most cruel thing that could happen to a person and their family.

Everyone will have their own story.

I only have second hand stuff and that is enough for me.

Please, sweet jesus, do not heap this on me as well. Anything else.

Probably the only thing that can be worse than a relative getting cancer.

But if it comes, it comes. And it will just have to be dealt with. Even though it might make you smaller.

Knowing you are not alone is small comfort, but some kind of comfort, none the less.

Good luck!
 

Schmoe

War Hero
Well, we are kind of speaking.

My wife has and is being run ragged at the moment, trying to do everything that I should be doing.

Think he may be realising that actually I do want the best for him and mum.

He’s said that nothing has happened, I’ve said we have to clear the air.

Been a very shitty couple of weeks, but nothing good would be served by us getting in a room together too early.
I really hope that the next time I post, things will have moved on further. I really do.
 
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