Alzheimers; a right bastard

@Dark_Nit Whilst it's particularly hard contemplating your family's circumstances, your attention to her care mean a lot even if you think they're fruitless.
An elderly neighbours relis left her to fend for herself despite maintaining a semblance of looking after her needs -we reckoned it was purely intentional - to maintain the value of her estate rather than spend it on her care.
Despite us frequently (increasingly a couple of times per 24hrs) doing interventions, alerting safeguarding and social services etc, her life was hell because she wasn't in care.
It's never easy facing inevitables, for whatever solace it's worth, you'll at least know that you're doing the right thing for the best reasons.
 
My grandma is going down this road now...has been slowly getting worse since last year. She is starting to forget people, including her own daughters and some of the grandkids. Funnily enough she still recognizes me the first time without fail and asks me about everything. It's kind of sad really, she is such a sweetheart and was always sharp as a tack. But I know she is getting bad as she keeps asking the same questions over and over again. The doctor said it's a progressive disease with not much to actually "cure" it, but only try and keep it from effecting her quality of life as much as possible. She is luck enough that my aunt (her daughter) stays as home, looks after her as her own kids have grown up and have moved out. Still gets on my aunts nerves though.
 
I'm back from France again, each trip costing a bundle in flights and lost income, but there it is. Dad got the French power of attorney at last and it has gone to Mum's bank in the hope that they will then release her finances to pay for her care. There may be a delay because the POA is of course in French legalese and I suspect they will reject it unless it has been translated by a certified translator. Yet more problems to be dealt with that could and should have been sorted out years ago.
.

My sympathy for your family.


Not wanting to be premature about this, but have you & sister thought about getting PoA over your father's affairs? Sadly, its often the case that the other half of a couple will mentally weaken, once the battle is over in caring for their spouse. It doesn't have to be dementia - just an understandable tiredness or general melancholy.

Its often a kindness to be able to take a lot of the administration and life burdens off an elder.

As you have seen for yourself, its really important to get legal matters lined up well in advance - years, even - especially when dealing with arcane European judicial systems (which i have to say often appear to be a century or two behind UK in terms of modernity and streamlining).

You do have to throw money at foreign PoAs; ensure that there are notarised copies, get the main document translated into English - and a notarised or (better) apostled translation at that. Get the foreign PoA referenced in a British PoA; get that translated back into the foreign language and notarised as well. Sounds overly picky - until you have to deal with a Spanish/French/Russian/etc bank or civil servant!
 
There may be a delay because the POA is of course in French legalese and I suspect they will reject it unless it has been translated by a certified translator.
Id say thats a dead cert

Where abouts in France are they - if its local to me Ive had to use said service and theres a fair few well regarded amongst the expat community and reasonably priced -

PM a rough locale and i will see if i can offer any help there @fairmaidofperth is another who may be able to suggest a name in her area.
 
@ancient sorry to hear of the continuing problem.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
The staff say she is happy, but they would say that, she eats and she sleeps. that is all.

I think the end may not be far away and part of me thinks that might not be a bad thing when it happens.
My mother's been like this for years! Having said that, she has been in the same care home for almost three years now and I am confident that it is the best place for her. She has never shown any signs of distress, but like your mum, she sleeps most of the time - I think she'd had enough some time ago, it really is a bit of a "second childhood".

I do hope things go smoothly for your family.
 
My sympathy for your family.


Not wanting to be premature about this, but have you & sister thought about getting PoA over your father's affairs? Sadly, its often the case that the other half of a couple will mentally weaken, once the battle is over in caring for their spouse. It doesn't have to be dementia - just an understandable tiredness or general melancholy.

Its often a kindness to be able to take a lot of the administration and life burdens off an elder.

As you have seen for yourself, its really important to get legal matters lined up well in advance - years, even - especially when dealing with arcane European judicial systems (which i have to say often appear to be a century or two behind UK in terms of modernity and streamlining).

You do have to throw money at foreign PoAs; ensure that there are notarised copies, get the main document translated into English - and a notarised or (better) apostled translation at that. Get the foreign PoA referenced in a British PoA; get that translated back into the foreign language and notarised as well. Sounds overly picky - until you have to deal with a Spanish/French/Russian/etc bank or civil servant!
We're getting things in place. We signed a POA while we were there and spent a few hours poring over his filing cabinet finding out where wills and other documents are stored and getting decisions about actions on etc. What happens if he dies first? Where is her bank account etc. We also got him to think about selling the 6 storey 72 stair house and moving somewhere more manageable etc. He's becoming more independent; he went to Venice for three days and enjoyed it and he will meet us in Italy for Christmas.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
We're getting things in place. We signed a POA while we were there and spent a few hours poring over his filing cabinet finding out where wills and other documents are stored and getting decisions about actions on etc. What happens if he dies first? Where is her bank account etc. We also got him to think about selling the 6 storey 72 stair house and moving somewhere more manageable etc. He's becoming more independent; he went to Venice for three days and enjoyed it and he will meet us in Italy for Christmas.

So pleased for your Dad, hope his quality of life continues to get better.
 
Thanks . It's going to take a while to sort all this out. Incidentally, I've got a load of GS .303 lead that I can't see myself using them while this is ongoing. Would you like them? They're from that fellow in Norfolk.
Ancient, I've just filled up but I'm sure there are others in the club in need. How many have you got and how much do you want for them?
 
My father in law is now in a nursing home. He'd been going to the memory clinic and treating it like a Just William caper with him and my stupid sister in law memorising dates etc to try and fool the doctor. My brother in law and my wife set up powers of attorney and ensured the will etc was sorted.

Now the sister in law is a lazy dole scrounger and started working on the old man telling him she will lose her council home when her youngest is 18 and it wasn't fair her brother and sister had homes (worked for) whilst she didn't. She talked him into changing the will and her keeping the house and managed to keep it quiet for 2 years before it all came out in an argument.

He was showing advanced stage of dementia by this time and didn't have the understanding of how much hurt he'd caused. The evil little cow then changed the powers of attorney and tried to get me in trouble with the police over some antique fire arms. She refused to believe he would have to go into a home and over the next 18 months his condition deteriorated as she kept everyone away and left her teenage daughter to care for him.

My wife who is a nurse had pointed out to her a long time ago issues regarding dignity and privacy about caring for him in his own house and eventually he moved into a low budget care home with a charge put against the house.
She'll still probably get a nice wedge of change when the time comes but it's more than the money this has split their close knit family apart. My wife and brother in law feeling rejected by their own father and her children feeling obliged to side with their mother. So I agree Alzheimers is a right bastard and it can bring it out in other people around you.
 
a couple of hundred. My treat. I'll try and get to the range soon and i'll drop them off and you can all fight over them.
OK, it'll be good to see you again!
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
@Dark_Nit
An elderly neighbours relis left her to fend for herself despite maintaining a semblance of looking after her needs -we reckoned it was purely intentional - to maintain the value of her estate rather than spend it on her care.
Despite us frequently (increasingly a couple of times per 24hrs) doing interventions, alerting safeguarding and social services etc, her life was hell because she wasn't in care.
.
I tried to keep my promise to my mother that she would stay in her own home for the rest of her life. When it became untenable (even with the help of two carers) we reluctantly took the step to have her admitted to a care home. I too have heard the comment "it's only because you want her inheritance". Funny that once she was settled in the care home, people said "wouldn't she be better in her own home"?

Apparently you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
 
She'll still probably get a nice wedge of change when the time comes but it's more than the money this has split their close knit family apart. My wife and brother in law feeling rejected by their own father and her children feeling obliged to side with their mother. So I agree Alzheimers is a right bastard and it can bring it out in other people around you.

Something like this has happened to just about everyone I know who has to deal with an Alzheimers case. It seems that the mental incapacitation of a parent allows life-long suppressed behaviours to surface in the wider family.

There seems to be two common situations: (1) where one person (e.g. a child) has stood up to the mark and shouldered about 99% of the care burden, whilst being sniped at by selfish non-contributory family members, or (2) where someone has taken advantage of the enfeebled elder to move in and loot their estate.

E.g. I'm in situation (1). My builder was in (2). He had a self-made dad with four £xm properties on the banks of the Thames, who wished his estate to be divided between his three kids. However, he'd recently remarried. One day he had a catastrophic and debilitating stroke that rendered him incapable. On the very same day his wife#2 somehow had all the properties transferred off to her own children and liquid assets vanished. My builder, his brother and sister were just left with a bag containing their deceased mum's valuable jewellery. The sister then stole the bag and pawned the jewellery, leaving the brothers with nothing.... family, eh?


I think that if you are in situation (1), being the person who has stepped in to take control of the situation, then you by right don't have to answer to anyone - certainly not people who have not themselves shared the burden. Most of us are decent people and try to "do the right thing" for our dependents, and we often have to make difficult decisions in isolation.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Having read the above, I'm quite glad I don't have any other family members sticking their oars in!

It was bad enough having the endless "Best Interest" meetings with Social Serivces/Care Home Staff/Community Matron and private carers.
 
I think that if you are in situation (1), being the person who has stepped in to take control of the situation, then you by right don't have to answer to anyone - certainly not people who have not themselves shared the burden. Most of us are decent people and try to "do the right thing" for our dependents, and we often have to make difficult decisions in isolation.
I see your point,in my wife's family case it was long term manipulation from my sister in law stepping in when he became widowed and them developing a sort of odd couple relationship. It was agreed to share the future care. We moved into the same street as him and built an extension with an en suite grandad flat and my brother in law offered to buy the house so he always had money behind him to pay for carers but greed won out and from what I hear she's on the point of a nervous breakdown and he's in a nursing home and the house has a charge on it.

He was always going to get worse but he could of had better care and kept the family together. His grand children don't look at him in the same way now but oddly being in a care home has allowed us to see him more often,it's all so depressing I might go and listen to some Leonard Cohen in a dark room to cheer myself up.
 
Funny that once she was settled in the care home, people said "wouldn't she be better in her own home"?

Apparently you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.[/QUOTE]

Sheer ignorance on their part. In my experience, and my Mum's situation has been going on now for 7 years, she won't be better in her own home. The difference for my father has been marvellous to see, the pressure has come off him and he is beginning, just beginning, to enjoy life again. And it's his life too. He jas a right to enjoy what he has left.

As for Mum, now she is being properly looked after, and with the best effort and intentions in the world, my Dad (aged 83) just physically couldn't look after her. Now she has activities arranged to keep her increasingly feeble mind occupied, a proper diet, proper toileting and bathing, and incontinence pads changed regularly rather than when they leaked.

In every way she is vastly better off where she is.
 
Funny that once she was settled in the care home, people said "wouldn't she be better in her own home"?

Apparently you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Sheer ignorance on their part. In my experience, and my Mum's situation has been going on now for 7 years, she won't be better in her own home. The difference for my father has been marvellous to see, the pressure has come off him and he is beginning, just beginning, to enjoy life again. And it's his life too. He jas a right to enjoy what he has left.

As for Mum, now she is being properly looked after, and with the best effort and intentions in the world, my Dad (aged 83) just physically couldn't look after her. Now she has activities arranged to keep her increasingly feeble mind occupied, a proper diet, proper toileting and bathing, and incontinence pads changed regularly rather than when they leaked.

In every way she is vastly better off where she is.[/QUOTE]

100% agree- mine are in a similar position except I wish my father would go into a care home too as he's really struggling with everyday tasks
 
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