Alternative contraception

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cutaway, Dec 17, 2004.

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  1. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    A few years back, I found myself the subject of the affections of a real life Amazon !

    She was the owner of a magnificent rack which seemed always to be just at eye height, (but then they always do,) and a touch off 6'6" 8O
    She was immediately christened Big Bertha - but only because of her height as she had the toned bod of an athlete. I was fuffed to chuck with this doris !

    A fit bint, very much into sports & healthy living, she didn't take the pill on the grounds of not wanting to interfere with the chemical balance of her body, but having the morals of a rabbit on Mandrax was rather inventive on the subject of 'emergency contraception.' This became evident to me one night on the wazz when she put me under her arm and strode into the alley beside a nightclub for a kneetrembler.

    As she dropped her drawers, (wonderful girl, always wore stockings & suspenders,) I told her that I didn't have any rubbers as that was a woman's job. She thought for a second then said,
    "No problems young Cuts, hop up on that beer crate"
    I happily obliged and we were soon engaged in some vertical entertainment of the squelchy kind.

    I didn't know what she had in mind at the time, to be honest I wasn't even thinking about the surroundings as I humped away like a belt-fed WOMBAT. However she quite obviously knew exactly at what stage in the proceedings we'd got to, because as I reached the vinegar strokes and my eyes started to roll back the bitch kicked the damn crate out from under me !

    I dropped like I'd stepped out of the balloon cage and dumped my custard across the nightclub brickwork whilst performing an impromptu side left. Not exactly the warm pulsating crescendo I'd been expecting.

    The look in Bertha's eyes said everything, I'd just been appointed i/c johnny procurement !
    There are worse jobs I suppose.
  2. Chuffin Ace Cut! :lol:

    Where the chuff can I get hold of one that tall, at 6'1 never had a bir bigger than me! and would love to try one!!!

    DD. :p
  3. Nothing like a bird that is 6" taller or shorter than you!

    I want to know if "Young Cuts" started to carry protection at all times after that? :lol:
  4. Holland. I'm 5'11" and the birds here make me look small - there's even one in the office here who was wearing heels today, so was probably standing 7'...

    I did once have a bird a whole foot smaller than me - a perfect spinner!!! 8)
  5. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Yes Cpl, a 1911A1 whenever possible !
  6. Good drills mate! Can't go wrong with a .45! :D
  7. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    NB. This is not the cal of Big Bertha's object of affection !

  8. corps , you're packing the ultimate contraception.

    a f*cking head like a clumsy beekeepers.

    happy christmas.
  9. This from the man who is less popular that Geoff Hoon in the NAAFI? 8O
  10. Geoff Hoon would be very popular in several NAAFI bars i could think of , i'll bet there's hundreds of blokes WISHING he'd walk in.

    mind you he might not walk out again , but that's another story. :D
  11. For a short period I used to go out with a bird who was a national standard swimmer. I used to think I was fit (and at the time I was) but this girl was something else: she would get up at 5.00am every morning to go and swim billions of lengths of the local pool before the punters got there, and would also go off for weights, circuits etc etc almost every day on top of that. In consequence, although not more than 5'8" tall, she was just a wedge of muscle with no discernable body fat whatsoever.

    Towards the end of our relationship, we were on the job on a Friday evening (after I'd been at happy hour at the Sgts Mess) when she made the suggestion that we should go to her parents for lunch on Sunday. In response to my 'No fecking way', she clamped her pelvic floor muscles down hard on my todger. Feeling this unaccustomed pressure, I tried to pull out and it felt like somebody was trying to rip the end of my dick off. I must have panicked then, because I wound up executing a text-book burpee (squat thrust followed by a star jump) and gibbering like a Deepcut recruit after a DS spitroast. Moral of the story: don't shag women capable of beating you up.
  12. Im 5'7 and used to go out with a girl who was 6'3.
    She threw me around the bedroom and I loved every minute of it. 8)
  13. With regards to the initial topic - guys, all you have to do is make sure there is a good shower around. Keep an eye on her though, so that she doesn't enjoy herself too much.

    Just felt the need to share this tried and tested wisdom.
  14. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Pro-word: 'No Wah'

    A good shower, Shagane ?

    How's that alternative contraception ?

    Or is it just a cold shower you mean ?
  15. Chickenpunk, this sounds awfully familiar. She wasn't from a small village down Northampton way was she? 8O