Almost as evil axis

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    by dagger dirk (of the Australia Post)

    After decades of Cold Wars, regional conflict, North-South Alignments and East-West Disputes and Divides, President G.W. Bush has managed to refocus the World's Leaders on a more charismatic diversity, one that is based less on politics, economic status or diplomacy and more on national self-image. However it has proven to be a flawed concept because of the disunity and disagreements that have arisen. Old alliances, alignments, pacts and treaties are in disarray as countries everywhere jostle for position, partners, status and distinctive new national personas.

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

    "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil ... we're the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded that they had asked if they could affiliate with the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full up. It's very frustrating." said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, just before he ushered in Sheikh Abed but Getsupalot of the Yemen for urgent trilateral talks with the Egyptian President.

    "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool. Threesomes are just right because at any one time, any two can be plotting against the third. There is fantastic scope for treachery, counter-plots and coups within the organisation. That's important on those frequent occasions when you don't have any external threat, yet you need to distract the people from their problems. It's a real buzz and it also works so well within any UN context."

    International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France had surrendered and Switzerland had banking advertisements up all along its borders. Valuers manning Swiss border-posts were giving gratis valuations and crisp new certificates in exchange for works of art. Swedish borders were closed and its Government stated that any terrorists within its borders would be interned. The Netherlands declared an amnesty for all terrorists who would swear allegiance to the Queen and Luxembourg promised taxation concessions to any groups wishing to operate from within its territory. Unionists and Sinn Fein representatives in Northern Ireland were in agreement that any third member would have to agree to them retaining their arms for the fight against internal terrorists. They were said to be holding talks with Welsh Separatists in Gaelic - so progress was expected to be slow.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.

    Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up fast, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Japan, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America; Canada, NewFoundland and Nova Scotia claimed to be on the same axle and stated blandly "that they don't do French" , while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps taking it seriously enough, a cautious Bush readily granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in " guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges and accused the US of hegemony on the whole question of bespoke axes and guay orientation.

    Meanwhile Israel insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. Chairman Arafat accused Israel of putting a spin upon the whole axis concept, led a protest precession through Jerusalem and withdrew all PLO funds from the West Bank. Greenland, Iceland and Finland are now fighting over the right to the Earth's Magnetic Axis and contingent control over Polarity, magnetic declination and dip. Finnish Troops have taken up positions along the zero degree isogonal and Mr Finn Landers (their Foreign Secretary) is indicating that Magnetic North, as presently observed, is patently False but that, under the concession granted to a new Finnish start-up company, it will soon be True again. Greenland has filed in the International Court of the Hague for North to be neither Magnetic nor True but an arbitrary Grid North. The UK is expected to file variations on this same theme and has abolished the North-South divide. Ireland has declared itself to be isometric on the whole question of axes. Zimbabwe's PM Robert Mugabe meanwhile blamed his election defeat on an untimely wobble in the earth's axis caused by the high number of geo-stationary satellites peering down upon his election - and that it was therefore invalid. He promised that new elections would be held as soon as possible. Cuba's Castro said that he was happy with his status as one corner of the Bermuda Triangle and claimed that the traditional threat that the Triangle posed was "far greater than that of any other Mickey Mouse three-way alliance". UN Sec Gen Khofi Annan warned that these development threatened to usher in a new era of multi-polar axis-aligned politics - but then added that the UN was hunting around for a couple of partners as it didn't want to seem out-of-step. Rumour has it that talks are proceeding with The Vatican and Tripolitania.

    Papua New Guinea Prime Minister Sir Giddy Yap stated that the hill tribes might still use axes but that his city dwellers had given up axes and used hatchets for plotting against his government. "I am told that there's a plot hatcheting even as we speak" he said bluntly. "It's all these bluddy Afghans that Australia's sending here and Nauru. Me tinkit that we'll be talking with Nauru and East Timor for some Permanent Axis Visas for the lot of 'em. One minute you see 'em, next you don't. Then you gotta figure out if they went overboard or we ate em."

    Henry Kissinger, the US Elder Statesman, was of three minds on the whole subject of nations realigning upon the basis of axes. It could make the whole geopolitical structure spin faster on its axis," he cautioned. "From a US security perspective we must think about what that might do to Global Warning and that yummy Condoleeza Rice Dish."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. Oooops ;D

    That was a bit long, I had to split it in two ;)

    Well done to anyone who's managed to get down this far !!
  4. GunnersQuadrant

    GunnersQuadrant LE Moderator

    Now this thread i like
    • Show again braincell Show again braincell x 1
  5. Why have I just found this? Really good and well worth the long read. All your own work H deT?

    Made me smile lots  ;D
  6. Afraid I must confess to stealing it from another site PP.
  7. Good effort anyway. I started at the end of this thread and worked my to the top. Well worth it.
  8. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Excellent! If you liked this, then why not try...

    this one:

    Couldn't be bothered to copy it all, but basically it's a news report which starts:

    JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.  "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"  

    And there's more.  Who says Yanks don't have a sense of humour, or understand what irony is?
  9. Cock.
    • Informative Informative x 1
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  10. Someone enjoys the dark art of necromancy
    • Like Like x 1
  11. That'll be @spaz
  12. You thick cnut.
    • Bullshit Bullshit x 1
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  13. I see you've deleted your post.

    Isn't it a bit early to be delving into the coshh locker?
    • Bullshit Bullshit x 1
  14. 13 fûcking years you kipper-eared pig fûcker.
    • Bullshit Bullshit x 1
  15. Indeed it is. Has the Mrs got the length of hosepipe and garden pump ready?