allsorts

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by DavidBOC, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. Assorted items:

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    [TD] I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

    I converted to Islam, and she is being stoned in the morning!



    My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name is Lucy.



    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 60.


    It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.



    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

    You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."



    Survey - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

    17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."



    A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife has died". The operator says, "How do you know?"

    He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"



    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

    She said she would like to come back as a cow.
    I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."





    My wife has been missing for a week.
    The police said to prepare for the worst.



    So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back.





    There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center. They threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.




    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .

    I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

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  2. Tip, when you copy and paste backspace blank lines before the punchline
     
  3. I was just about to go down the pub, when my wife gives me a saucy look and says, 'If you stay home, I will shag you silly, all night!'

    Wow, what a night! Dave won the jackpot on the fruity and I threw up on the barmaid.
     
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  4. I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Poof" & then.....off we go....
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
    I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his
    snorkel and flippers did not open


    john
     
  5. phil245

    phil245 LE Book Reviewer

    Bertie Bassett goes to the doctors for an aids test, it comes back positive. the doctor says " what on earth have you been doing?" Bertie replies " Fcuking allsorts".
     
  6. I did not know this...

    When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

    When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

    When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

    When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

    Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
     
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