Alcohol - The Scientific Test

[indoubitabley]

After reading the wonderful Alcohol Thread, I've been impressed by how honest and sensible the NAAFI bar has been. Booze has been a major part of the Forces life, and it's good to see that a mature outlook has been adopted by the vast majority of posters.

However, that's not very NAAFI Bar, is it.

Having lost a lot of unwanted weight (I kicked the Girlfriend out of the house yesterday), I can now volunteer my body to science, and the experiment I am going to conduct first is...

"Alcohol: The effects of various Beers, Wines and Spirits on both the Mind and Body"

The plan is to spend one week at a time drinking only one type of alcohol, whether it be red wine, Stella, Jack Daniels, or Anti Freeze, and record the various ways it has effected me.

There has to be, therefore, a series of tests to gage each form of happy juice against each other. I know that Vodka and red bull gets me dancing even when I'm not ratted, and Premium Strength lagers have the bonus effect of making me the hardest lad in the world, but for a whole week of drinking, I need to come up with more ideas.

So, this is where all you good ARRSERs come into things. I will need recommendations to what I should be drinking, and ideas on how to test the effects said Alcohol has upon me.

I will be running these experiments from Friday to Thursday (So I can take today off drinking, I may need it). Any ideas?

 

[bensonby]

toilet duck

 

[indoubitabley]

toilet duck

Do they sell that in Yates wine lodge?

Any ideas from someone who isn't a twat???

 

[zxninerpilot]

Shandy then?

 

[bensonby]

you could do real ale...might put on a few stone though.....

 

[Colonick]

My p1ss, 90% proof, slightly warm though.

 

[indoubitabley]

Real ale could be a starter, the only problem with that is no booze available once the pubs close.

Unless anyone knows somewhere in Merseyside that serves a decent bitter after midnight?

 

[bobath]

You know what they say.

If you think the bottom has dropped out of your world, drink real ale and you'll think the world has dropped out of your bottom.

Experiment one, done.

 

[putteesinmyhands]

Obviously, you need a test that combines both mental and physical ability.

It has been claimed that alcohol impairs your concentration and it has long been rumoured that alcohol causes the affliction commonly referred to as "brewer's droop."

I would suggest that you paint a target on the wall and a line (along the lines of a darts oche) say 1m from the wall.

On this (your alcohol-free) day, jack youself off, aiming for the centre of the target. Record the position of the splash.

Perform the same test each day that you imbibe different forms and quantities of alcohol.

For authentication, you should have at least three independent witnesses and record each event on videotape.

It's actually a very good subject for a thesis. No doubt, provided that your reporting skills are satisfactory, you could end up with an honourary doctorate from one of the better universities.

 

[Steven]

Ok on a slightly more serious note then.

First week only clear spirits, vodka, gin, white rum and the like with only the classic mixers allowed - tonic, orange juice and coke.

Second week - Bottled "regional beers" different one each night and record the bowel effects of each region?

Third week - Wine. Red, white, rose, still, fizzy, or all mixed up in a bucket.

Fourth week - Highly coloured stuff. Blue caraco, raspberry schnapps and the like.


Fifth week - I will be bored of the whole subject by then so do what the feck you want

 

[TheSnake]

How about a week of only Gin and Tonic?
If you use slimline tonic, your calorie intake is virtually nil !
Well, that's my excuse.....

 

[indoubitabley]

OK then, Real ale from 7th - 13th Sept.

And thank you putteesinmyhands, that's more of the type of ideas I wanted.

I'm off to buy a dart board, but for the witnesses? I don't think there are too many SCH's around my area (so to say)

 

[bensonby]

yuk - slimline

 

[sandmanfez]

Merseyside you say? In that case I'd suggest a week long bender on slivovitz before going out and slaughtering all your neighbours.
Ethnic cleansing, its for winners!

 

[Flagrantviolator]

Ha! I thought of this months before you! I'm halfway through week 8 (Sterno w/ pickle juice). Feelin' fine.

 

[django_strikes]

You would have to go dry for a couple of days in between to not pollute the new liquid with leftovers from the previous.

 

[indoubitabley]

Merseyside you say? In that case I'd suggest a week long bender on slivovitz before going out and slaughtering all your neighbours.
Ethnic cleansing, its for winners!

No need for that comment mate, no need at all....












That's why I hand out guns to hoodies on BMX's, it keeps the cops away from the door, and it saves me doing all the hard work myself.

 

[Garfield25]

How about a week of 'black Russians' with an aftershock chaser?.

Actually, scrub that, you cant tell us the results if you die.

Erm, a week of all cocktails then. Well, youve kicked the 'Mrs' out so it might be the only orgasm or slow comfortable screw against the wall youre going to get in a while.

 

[smartascarrots]

How about a week of only Gin and Tonic?
If you use slimline tonic, your calorie intake is virtually nil !
Well, that's my excuse.....

Oh, that's evil. I've had many a kicking off Gordon and much to my dismay lived to regret it each time. The first thing it does is remove my ability to recognise how pissed I'm getting, then coherent speech, action and finally bladder control.

Steer clear of large amounts of gin, unless you go to the Richard Hammond school of science.

 

[zxninerpilot]

Ha! I thought of this months before you! I'm halfway through week 8 (Sterno w/ pickle juice). Feelin' fine.

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