Al qaeda's planned Television Guide (For when they take over) ------------------------ 6.00: G-Had TV. Morning prayers. 8.30: Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. 9.00: Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 10.00: The Apprentice. Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army. 11.00: Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion fail to repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects. 12.30: Panoramadan. The programme reports on america's attempts to take over the world. 13.30: Xena. Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 14.00: Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 14.30: Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed. 15.00: Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.' 15.30: I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00: Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 16.30: Countdown. Can the american prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down? 17.00: Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. 17.30: Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour. 18.00: Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30: Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council? 20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30: Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.00: Imam Ted. Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol. 22.30: Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel. 23.30: They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round. Midnight: When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 00:.30: The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories. 01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 02.00: A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.