Airport Gimps.

I’ve posted a couple of dits in the how bone is your missus thread, but Lady Ravers is a ******* nightmare to travel with.

She’s been to over 85 different countries and her job working for a posh travel agent, used to involve going on holiday every 6 weeks or so.

You’d think she would’ve had this airport crack nailed by now, but no. For some reason, a normally highly intelligent woman who speaks five languages, turns into a complete retard at the first sniff of an airport.

Whenever we go away now, a familiar and agonising ritual takes place.

Our bags are packed about 5 days before. This includes our toothbrushes, deodorant and what not.

You can probably see the problem already.

Baggage limitations on the flight must be strictly adhered to. By that I mean if the limit is 20kg each, then we are taking 20kg each.

Even if we’re only going for the weekend.

So on the morning of the flight I have to play car Tetris. The kids are crammed in with suitcases and all manner of hand luggage packed around them. Two suitcases will be half empty, but the suggestion that we combine the contents into one suitcase is met with extreme hostility.

We park up at the airport. While we’re waiting for the bus to the terminal it will be time to unpack one of the suitcases to retrieve a random item that we now need urgently.

The bus comes while the suitcase is still open and all our underwear is getting rained on. There is a mad rush to try and repack the bag while many pissed off people wait for us on the bus.

We get off the bus. We have to navigate our way to the terminal carrying rucksacks and about 3 suitcases each. My 7 year old daughter is trying to push a suitcase that is 4 times the size of her.

We eventually get to check in with only minor injuries. Bags are again emptied and repacked in the queue, usually at the check in desk, while a growing queue of angry people forms behind us.

It turns out she’s brought 4 bottles of water, just in case the kids get thirsty between the car park and the check in desk. These now have to be disposed of somewhere. Preferably in the kid’s bladders so they’ll need to piss as soon as we board the plane.

We go through security. She’s purchased fast passes at 20 odd quid a pop that mean we can go in a smaller queue. We get directed into this queue anyway because we have kids with us, no one checks the fast passes. That’s 80 quid wasted.

Never mind.

Our bags get unpacked again to remove 4 iPads, a laptop and enough random electronic gadgets to stock PC World. None of this could go in the checked suitcases because it might get nicked apparently. The bags go through the scanner and at least one gets pulled for a recheck.

“Sorry I forgot my kindle was in there.”

The first of the kids decides it’s now time for a piss.

Finally we’re in the terminal, life should be easy now, but no, we have to buy a load of overpriced shit which now means we have 3
carry ons each.

Despite the fact that we are still 3 hours early for our flight, there is a mad panic when the gate is announced and we have to run there.

We’re now first in a queue that won’t exist for at least another hour.

They call us up first anyway because we are travelling with kids.

The second child now needs a piss but we’re in the queue and about to get on the plane.

We get to our seats, the kid is now jumping around with crossed legs so I have to go back against the flow of passengers to get to the bog.

In the meantime the wife is taking up 3 overhead lockers with all the shite she’s bought.
Oh, Ravers, you have had it easy - if you'd ever had to travel with Madame Mnairb, you'd give up travelling for life! I always try to learn from my mistakes - the first mistake was letting her have her boarding pass. She went to the toilet at Gatwick while I sat outside with the boys. Unbeknown to either of us, she'd come out of the toilet and made her way to the departure gate without telling us. We are getting last call for the flight and we are still waiting for her to come out of the toilet. Reluctantly (and after having gone into the toilet and called her name several times) we went to the gate without her. There she was, looking as though it was someone elses fault. Now, I keep the passports and boarding passes on me until she absolutely needs them and snatch them back immediately. Even so, on flight to Dubai from LGW she managed to lose her boarding pass between the departure area and the aircraft and I had to hike her passport out while the purser went through the manifest.
 

skid2

LE
Book Reviewer
Berlin, trundling through, nice flight from Dublin, everyone’s in good form, it seems warmer and drier than in Dublin
Pockets emptied into crate, moved along, everything goes ping. Explains ping. Nice German man holds up knife. A leatherman.
‘Aw fuck’
‘She gives me the ‘Aw fuck’ look.
He looks at me, measures it along the bottom of one of his tags and goes ‘Is allowed’. Yet spent minutes comparing me to my photograph, the leatherman went back taped up in the hold baggage.
I’ve never taken it anywhere near an airport since. And I don’t know why I didn’t lose it.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
A number of years ago I wrote off one of the ion scanners at Heathrow airport. Going through security they decided to swab my bag. I told them not to as I handle explosives every working day and to just accept it as contaminated. The Lass said that she had never had a positive result, so was interested to see what would happen. After all the bells and whistles went off, and a quick interview with SB ( just handed them my business card and asked them to call the Ops Room). The lass cleaned the scanner 3 times and tested it with a control sample, when it failed for the third time she called the help line, who told her that it was so contaminated that it would have to go back to the factory to be dismantled and cleaned.
The wife just stood there rolling her eyes at me!
In a similar vein I was on my way home from work a few years back and got to the tube station.

This wasn’t long after the 7/7 bombings and there were a lot of police about.

At the station there was a row of coppers with guns and one with a sniffer dog. they were randomly pulling people in for a quick sniff and a pat down.

I was called in and the dog didn’t even raise an eyebrow.

I enquired to the copper as to whether he was a drugs dog or an explosives / guns dog and the copper replied that his pooch was indeed a highly trained firearms and explosives detection dog.

Must’ve been a fucking shit dog because I was the manager of a gun factory at the time and had spent the entire day testing on the range.
 
I’ve read a dit somewhere, possibly on pprune, about some African airport, and the X-ray machine was unplugged, but they were still dragging luggage through it.

@Lardbeast
 
A number of years ago I wrote off one of the ion scanners at Heathrow airport. Going through security they decided to swab my bag. I told them not to as I handle explosives every working day and to just accept it as contaminated. The Lass said that she had never had a positive result, so was interested to see what would happen. After all the bells and whistles went off, and a quick interview with SB ( just handed them my business card and asked them to call the Ops Room). The lass cleaned the scanner 3 times and tested it with a control sample, when it failed for the third time she called the help line, who told her that it was so contaminated that it would have to go back to the factory to be dismantled and cleaned.
The wife just stood there rolling her eyes at me!
I had a similar experience at Heathrow a few years back :)
 
I’ve read a dit somewhere, possibly on pprune, about some African airport, and the X-ray machine was unplugged, but they were still dragging luggage through it.

@Lardbeast
I’m sure I saw someone doing that in Phnom Penh once...but then they also regularly searched a reinforced concrete memorial with mine detectors (switched off) every time the prime minister drives past!
 
Strangely enough, I felt the same - we came through Dubai last year from Hanoi and I forgot that I had a can of Tiger in my shoulder bag. Despite the showy inter-terminal scanner machines, I still walked through without being picked up. Another airport I was not particular happy with was Vienna - I felt that they had a very casual attitude.
Beg to differ on Vienna,workmate and i decided to leave the Airport the wrong way as we wanted to buy some beers at the shop nearby. As we started our little trip the wall ''opened'' and two blokes dressed and armed like Judge Dredd stepped out and kindly asked what we thought we were doing.
We mumbled our apologies and did a very quick about turn!
They may appear to be casual but are in my opinion on the ball.
 

skid2

LE
Book Reviewer
I’ve read a dit somewhere, possibly on pprune, about some African airport, and the X-ray machine was unplugged, but they were still dragging luggage through it.

@Lardbeast
Heathrow, some years back, it didn’t go ping when I went through, so I stopped and asked if it was broken, it was.
 
I’ve read a dit somewhere, possibly on pprune, about some African airport, and the X-ray machine was unplugged, but they were still dragging luggage through it.

@Lardbeast
in a similar vein, possibly on the same trip as the “you can’t have a knife” saga, somewhere in Germany (or maybe Austria), one aircraft, 2 crews, couple of engineers, everyone “must go through security“.

We all troop down to the gate, all walk through the scanner, “beep” goes every single one of us, no action taken, all bags must go through the scanner, but no one actually watching the scanner. Pick bags up, walk back again and go out to helicopter.

I suppose technically we had “been through security”.
 
Beg to differ on Vienna,workmate and i decided to leave the Airport the wrong way as we wanted to buy some beers at the shop nearby. As we started our little trip the wall ''opened'' and two blokes dressed and armed like Judge Dredd stepped out and kindly asked what we thought we were doing.
We mumbled our apologies and did a very quick about turn!
They may appear to be casual but are in my opinion on the ball.
I actually found Austria to be surprisingly relaxed - they always went through things logically (apart from liquids), but even when they came across a small multitool, they would go "you're alright, go ahead"
 
in a similar vein, possibly on the same trip as the “you can’t have a knife” saga, somewhere in Germany (or maybe Austria), one aircraft, 2 crews, couple of engineers, everyone “must go through security“.

We all troop down to the gate, all walk through the scanner, “beep” goes every single one of us, no action taken, all bags must go through the scanner, but no one actually watching the scanner. Pick bags up, walk back again and go out to helicopter.

I suppose technically we had “been through security”.
On a UN flight from Zagreb to Sarajevo I found myself sharing an Antonov with a Dutchbat contingent. In 1994, so way pre-9/11.

Off we went through security, the alarm beeping merrily away as every cloggie, armed with his Uzi, passed through the metal detector.

Then came I. It was my first civvy job and as I went through the Croatian jobsworth pulled me to one side and demanded to know why I had a Swiss army knife in my carry on.

Yeah. Because there was a risk that sat amongst 50 armed men I was going to use the screwdriver to dismantle the aircraft from the inside.

FFS.

Sent from my S41 using Tapatalk
 
1976 on R&R Belfast to Glasgow--Came through and went back after 4 days with a K Bar in my Pussers grip.
Also stopped by Special Branch(?) and they asked where I was staying(Despite MOD RN ID card)---Told them I was going camping.

Flight back from NI year tour 1979 (All MOD personel) to Heathrow---Pulled again by SB--showed ID and on I went.

Corfu on way back to UK---- Told to open suitcase after X-Ray(which had fiddly combination lock) asked the stroppy Bubble Bitch what they reckoned I had(she got more stroppier)---I had an idea it was the sticks of PE in the luggage-----------Actually candles,as their electrics ain't too reliable.

Knunts.
 
I’ve read a dit somewhere, possibly on pprune, about some African airport, and the X-ray machine was unplugged, but they were still dragging luggage through it.

@Lardbeast
Yup, seen it a couple of times. Also had a gaggle of seat warmers insist I X-ray the tools I had in my hands along with a BFO folding knife I was carrying to sort out a start problem on a mate's aircraft. After they'd X-rayed a couple of screwdrivers, a pair of pliers and a BFO knife they gave it all back to me and off I went.

Barking...
 
In a similar vein I was on my way home from work a few years back and got to the tube station.

This wasn’t long after the 7/7 bombings and there were a lot of police about.

At the station there was a row of coppers with guns and one with a sniffer dog. they were randomly pulling people in for a quick sniff and a pat down.

I was called in and the dog didn’t even raise an eyebrow.

I enquired to the copper as to whether he was a drugs dog or an explosives / guns dog and the copper replied that his pooch was indeed a highly trained firearms and explosives detection dog.

Must’ve been a ******* shit dog because I was the manager of a gun factory at the time and had spent the entire day testing on the range.
If you looked closely at his eyes you'd have seen the word TILT!* written in there. You probably blew his farkle valve with the first sniff.


*For those old farts who played pinball.
 
in a similar vein, possibly on the same trip as the “you can’t have a knife” saga, somewhere in Germany (or maybe Austria), one aircraft, 2 crews, couple of engineers, everyone “must go through security“.

We all troop down to the gate, all walk through the scanner, “beep” goes every single one of us, no action taken, all bags must go through the scanner, but no one actually watching the scanner. Pick bags up, walk back again and go out to helicopter.

I suppose technically we had “been through security”.
When I went through CDG a number of years ago, hand luggage was checked at the satellite terminal (known locally as 'the Camembert'). The two young lads who were supposed to be manning the X-Ray machine were reading a sports catalogue and only occassionally looking at the screen.
 

halloumikid

Old-Salt
Best for me was in a previous life. watching the UNFICYP rifles, pistols, swords and mess silver going through the rapiscan machine at Larnaca, on the cargo side of the airport, and pointing out CYPOL Neanderthal on duty that’s what was required to stop the Turks handing them their arses, again! Halloumikid
 
I went through Heathrow last year and set everything off, even the 3D spinning thing, just for a little bit of GSR on my boots. I thought the security guy was going to do the rubber glove assessment until I pulled out my IDs
 
Yup, seen it a couple of times. Also had a gaggle of seat warmers insist I X-ray the tools I had in my hands along with a BFO folding knife I was carrying to sort out a start problem on a mate's aircraft. After they'd X-rayed a couple of screwdrivers, a pair of pliers and a BFO knife they gave it all back to me and off I went.

Barking...
I've also had UNHAS security at Timbuktu stick his wand into my rucksack (fnar) and them totally ignore the wailing it made from all the metal things it inevitably encountered.

And don't get me started on that gobby Indian UNHAS mover in Abuja; I swear I'll swing for him...

Sent from my S41 using Tapatalk
 

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