Airport Gimps.

Working now as I do across the EU . I have to fly at least two times a week from country to country.

Now , after 18 years after the twin towers and EVERY airport in the EU , USA and most of the rest of the work having huge big FO signs saying ...

No water , no sharp things ,nothing more than a tiny bottle of arrse wipe soap and it must be in a plastic bag.

Why is it that there are still gimps on every flight carrying said items?

Friday some woman about 45 had to open here case and take out everything as she had a some knives in her hand luggage?

“Today a Muslim, not being racist his Mrs was wearing a very fetching leopard print Hijab and nice make up.”


Anyway going through check in he has 4 super size cans, sprays of body lotion , soap whatever. Only caused a 15 min delay as he was arguing over the fact he was allowed to take them on the aircraft.

Dont these Gimps read or even look at the pictures Designed for the mongs who cannot read English, German, Italian, French etc?
 
Same as fast bag drop which is often anything but and seems to attract those who cannot read and spend forever trying to check in, change seats, get special food etc. The odd airline has people to check that you have your printed online boarding pass (or on your phone app), Emirates in Dubai are very good for that, most of the rest of them the mongs seem to only see the airline logo. Drives me bonkers as I'm generally at the counter for the time it takes to read passport, attach the tag to baggage and (sometimes) print another boarding pass than my bit of A4 or phone app, 2 mins approx.
 
Same as fast bag drop which is often anything but and seems to attract those who cannot read and spend forever trying to check in, change seats, get special food etc. The odd airline has people to check that you have your printed online boarding pass (or on your phone app), Emirates in Dubai are very good for that, most of the rest of them the mongs seem to only see the airline logo. Drives me bonkers as I'm generally at the counter for the time it takes to read passport, attach the tag to baggage and (sometimes) print another boarding pass than my bit of A4 or phone app, 2 mins approx.
Find Dubai funny , like to see the two or three ( non Dubains ? ) working away and their Dubain ? Overseer checking what they are doing
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
Its the minimum wage security staff that never fail to irritate me. Ive virtually given up flying because of airports and their security.
One good thing is I am now less likely to die in a plane crash!
 

goodoldboy

MIA
Book Reviewer
Working now as I do across the EU . I have to fly at least two times a week from country to country.

Now , after 18 years after the twin towers and EVERY airport in the EU , USA and most of the rest of the work having huge big FO signs saying ...

No water , no sharp things ,nothing more than a tiny bottle of arrse wipe soap and it must be in a plastic bag.

Why is it that there are still gimps on every flight carrying said items?

Friday some woman about 45 had to open here case and take out everything as she had a some knives in her hand luggage?

“Today a Muslim, not being racist his Mrs was wearing a very fetching leopard print Hijab and nice make up.”


Anyway going through check in he has 4 super size cans, sprays of body lotion , soap whatever. Only caused a 15 min delay as he was arguing over the fact he was allowed to take them on the aircraft.

Dont these Gimps read or even look at the pictures Designed for the mongs who cannot read English, German, Italian, French etc?
Not only big FO signs but all airlines tell you what you can and can't do in writing when you book. A good 50% of people turn into complete morons once they set foot inside an airport and I know this because I always get stuck behind them! Birmingham, Stansted and Heathrow aren't too bad, Gatwick is moderately grim but Luton attracts these people like flies on sh*t. I try and avoid it if I can.
 
Find Dubai funny , like to see the two or three ( non Dubains ? ) working away and their Dubain ? Overseer checking what they are doing
I travel a fair bit with work also. And Dubai airport is one Im not altogether comfortable transiting. Always feel its only a matter of time until a Brussels type incident.
 
What you need to remember here is that airport doors are fitted with force fields that submit anyone accessing the terminal to a full frontal lobotomy. The effects of this are reduced by repeated exposure in at least some cases which is why some can reliably get all their shit in one sock but many can’t.

OK, slightly tongue in cheek but next time you’re at an airport with nothing better to do, take a seat and watch people walking in. You’ll be amazed at the number who take literally one step in the door and stop dead, open their mouth and squint. This is particularly fun for those behind who can’t get past and are now being beaten to death by the automatic doors or spending half an eternity walking round like a hamster, trapped in the revolving door.

In case you’re wondering, Crew Security is even worse as the US guys get all rulers of the world, the Muslims get all Muslim, the Far Eastern guys weep and claim no English and the locals get reported for making polite observations such as “FFS” by the Stasi who have been dumped in the Crew Lane as they’ve exceeded their quota of complaints from the public for that month*.

* this is especially so in the US and used to be very much the case in the UK. Happily after some serious stupidity on both sides, the UK has calmed down and everyone accepts it’s irksome but for the general good. I go out of my way to be polite as in the time it takes I earn more in allowances than they do in wages and oddly enough, I rarely get dicked about.

The exception to this seems to be BHX. Someone will now pop up and say they work security at BHX....
 
The wife and I are now of the age when comfort over-rules cost so for long haul we fly business class (no big deal- we go for the basic fares and don't do luxury hotels so it's swings and roundabouts)
Now you'd think that of all people, ground agents would know that BC Pax don't conform to a stereotype and come in all forms of dress, shapes, sizes and so on. Neither of us travel as scruffs, it's just that we don't dress up for the occasion in say, suit and best frock.
Yet we can almost guarantee that at some stage one each leg of the trip one or both of us are going to get the question, "Are you business class" when the other BC passengers who presumably fit the mould, are not.
The temptation to be sarcastic is great :
"Yes, and we can read too, and that big sign behind your head says 'Business Class'
"Perhaps, you might like to look at my boarding pass-you do know what that letter C means don't you?
or my favourite:
"Yes, unfortunately you don't have a First Class on this flight.
But in practice we just let it go but it does get slightly irksome, especially as they have the means to check but don't bother before sounding off.
 
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The wife and I are now of the age when comfort over-rules cost so for long haul we fly business class (no big deal- we go for the basic fares and don't do luxury hotels so it's swings and roundabouts)
Now you'd think that of all people, ground agents would know that BC Pax don't conform to a stereotype and come in all forms of dress, shapes, sizes and so on neither of us travel as scruffs, it's just that we don't dress up for the occasion in say, suit and best frock.
Yet we can almost guarantee that at some stage one each leg of the trip one or both of us are going to get the question, "Are you business class" when the other BC passengers who presumably fit the mould, are not.
The temptation to be sarcastic is great :
"Yes, and we can read too, and that big sign behind your head says 'Business Class'
"Perhaps, you might like to look at my boarding pass-you do know what that letter C means don't you?
or my favourite:
"Yes, unfortunately you don't have a First Class on this flight.
But in practice we just let it go but it does get slightly irksome, especially as they have the means to check but don't bother before sounding off.
You must look dodgy.
In my working life I used to fly business extensively and I mean 3 or 4 international flights per month and I have never been asked if I was flying business and I never wore a suit. Infact, Mrs Biff started to insist that I take a shower in Dusseldorf (the hub we used) as I got home smelling like a goat!
Anyway, as a regular on the Nigeria flight, there were always chancers that would sit anywhere and fein not knowing where to sit. It was always funny watching them get hoofed back into cattle, having settled in. :D
 
The last time I went on a plane that I wasn't flying, was from Belfast Aldergrove to BHX, so basically, an internal flight, and I didn't even have my passport on me.

Delayed for an hour before take off, the drivers tried to recover all the time in the landing and taxi, I wondered if we had been shot down over Silverstone.

As it was an internal flight, you would think immigration would have been quick. Oh no, they had to find something to fuck us up on a rainy Sunday night.

Over half an hour on the 737 until we were closely ushered down the steps and through a door, ten at a time. We were instructed to walk up the left side, around a chair, back to the door, keep head up and eyes open. Once we had all done this, we were sent through another door where we joined other passengers to go through passport control. Showing my photo driving licence led to querying why I didn't have a passport, even though I didn't need it, and I had been let on 2 planes that weekend.

We spent more time at BHX, including for sports baggage, than the 45 mile drive home.

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 
I like to think that I'm always prepared for a smooth passage through security, self supporting trousers, pockets empty, laptop out, Jacket folded and so on.
However, the week before last, at Norwich Airport I became that kettle* holding up the queue.
No prior notice, just the security chap at the trays saying, "all cameras out of bags and on the trays"
I was caught completely off-guard.
I usually take two cameras on my travels, a decent spec compact camera, and an ultra-compact for shots that most people now would use a smart phone for.
Normally, like my wallet, these go in the deepest recesses of my hand luggage., a largish holdall.
After what seemed an age, I found one camera and placed it on the tray. I gave up on the other and decided to take my chances with the x-ray machine and it sailed through, camera and all.

* Kettle apparently is the snobbish term used by some folk who fly often for infrequent flyers who don't know the ropes. It's supposed to come from Ma And Pa Kettle a film hillbilly couple.
 
* Kettle apparently is the snobbish term used by some folk who fly often for infrequent flyers who don't know the ropes. It's supposed to come from Ma And Pa Kettle a film hillbilly couple.
Never heard or used that term.
My favourite for amateur fliers holding up the queue was, "motherfvckingarrsewipes"
 
When I fly I wear belt with a plastic buckle and put everything in the many packets of my shooting jacket so \i can just drop it in the tray and walk through. I always wonder how effective all this security is because I have made sure the jacket is covered in GSR, made no difference. Last time I tipped the contents of a miss fired .22 into one of the pockets without a problem.
 
Not only big FO signs but all airlines tell you what you can and can't do in writing when you book. A good 50% of people turn into complete morons once they set foot inside an airport and I know this because I always get stuck behind them! Birmingham, Stansted and Heathrow aren't too bad, Gatwick is moderately grim but Luton attracts these people like flies on sh*t. I try and avoid it if I can.
Remember Lorraine Chase ( or similar) in the 1970s? Luton should be re-named London Chav Central.

lorraine chase luton airport advert

I'm flying out of there this week. Should be fun...……….
 

Oyibo

LE
You must look dodgy.
In my working life I used to fly business extensively and I mean 3 or 4 international flights per month and I have never been asked if I was flying business and I never wore a suit. Infact, Mrs Biff started to insist that I take a shower in Dusseldorf (the hub we used) as I got home smelling like a goat!
Anyway, as a regular on the Nigeria flight, there were always chancers that would sit anywhere and fein not knowing where to sit. It was always funny watching them get hoofed back into cattle, having settled in. :D

And you must remember arriving at MMIA with the fast trot to be one of the first at immigration. And the single escalator down to immigration that would get clogged up with people getting churned up by the thing.

I've lived and worked in several West, Central, and South African countries - flights from Nigeria were the worst.
 
And you must remember arriving at MMIA with the fast trot to be one of the first at immigration. And the single escalator down to immigration that would get clogged up with people getting churned up by the thing.

I've lived and worked in several West, Central, and South African countries - flights from Nigeria were the worst.
Had an uncle years ago working in Nigeria , this was the 1980ies. Flying back to the UK he always had a string bag full of mangos. when the “Customs officer” asked him what he was taking and what he was doing, always Said “mango importer, like to try one?”

always had a yes and pass through sir.?
 
flights from Nigeria were the worst.
I used to feel terribly sorry for the air hostesses who had to sort out the hordes of f*wits (pregnant or not) who would board, find an empty seat, try to fit their africabags into the overhead (or, best of all, on the 'empty' seat next to them), complain loudly when the seat-owners pitched up, demand something or other then finally get herded to their allotted seat back in cattle. Every bloody time.
 

morsk

LE
Dont these Gimps read or even look at the pictures Designed for the mongs who cannot read English, German, Italian, French etc?
Had an uncle years ago working in Nigeria , this was the 1980ies. Flying back to the UK he always had a string bag full of mangos. when the “Customs officer” asked him what he was taking and what he was doing, always Said “mango importer, like to try one?”

always had a yes and pass through sir.?
So what you are saying is they should become lying cnuts like your family members?
 

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