Agony Uncle

#1
It has come to my attention that some Arrsers appear to have some serious mental disorders,sexual fixations ( particularly anal ) and several other personality problems.
However,I am here to help.
The treatments that I received for my slight problem actually worked,and I feel that I should share my vast knowledge with you.
So post your problems,I will help.Obviously this is entirely confidential,so it will go no further that the Naafi Bar.
Please do not PM,as I find sharing problems will be of huge benefit to everyone.And it willsave me repeating my answers for all the others.
Right,who's first? aah Biped,do start.
 
#2
I went a bit mental the other day at this wedding and shot the groom and his missus. I feel a bit guilty. What should I do?
 

Bouillabaisse

LE
Book Reviewer
#3
Careful, you're treading on MDN's territory. He used to be Mighty Do Nut before he found religion and set himself up as a Minister.
 
#4
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on my work (peddaling mobile phone porn throughout Europe) as I'm spending most of my waking hours in this NAAFI bar. Could it be I'm getting bored of Pornography? What can I do?
 
#5
arby said:
I went a bit mental the other day at this wedding and shot the groom and his missus. I feel a bit guilty. What should I do?
Arby, these things happen. Just sit down, have a beer, and enjoy the rest of your holiday in Antigua :)
 
#6
After having sex with my sister, sloppy seconds after my dad, my winkie burns when I pee...
 
#7
crabby said:
After having sex with my sister, sloppy seconds after my dad, my winkie burns when I pee...
Crabby by name, Crabby by nature! Durex......cos you don't know where she's been :)
 
#8
Mr_Deputy said:
While burgaling Crabby's house, he came home to have sex with his dad, I quickly dressed up as Crabby's sister to avoid getting nicked. They were fooled (success there) but my bum hurts now (a sense of shame plus physical pain.)

He needs help with his family. I need some kind of lube and pain killer - can you recommend anything?
Mr D!!!Did you just come out? :wink:
 
#9
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
 
#10
Don't lie Mr_D - you hobbled away (I was unsure why my sister had stubble, but cracked on regardless) with blood, shyte and semen dribbling from your abused hole. Arrseholes weren't built for 8 inch c0cks
 
#11
Mr_Deputy said:
taboo said:
Mr_Deputy said:
While burgaling Crabby's house, he came home to have sex with his dad, I quickly dressed up as Crabby's sister to avoid getting nicked. They were fooled (success there) but my bum hurts now (a sense of shame plus physical pain.)

He needs help with his family. I need some kind of lube and pain killer - can you recommend anything?
Mr D!!!Did you just come out? :wink:
no i managed to escape most of the anal action - they were quite 'into themselves' but i slipped and fell on the bannisters while creeping out. it was the high heels. i normally only wear them for 'special'
Oh dear,My fantasy MAN just disapeared. :(
 
#12
scotlass said:
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
suggest a german prison themed evening.
 
#13
arby said:
scotlass said:
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
suggest a german prison themed evening.
Actually I hear the old Austrian "Lock the Girl in your Cellar" routine is the new it thing. Maybe try that?
 
#14
arby said:
scotlass said:
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
suggest a german prison themed evening.
I would suggest popping round to mine for some proper treatment but I don't "co-mingle" with the natives, you're all far too unwashed with terrible teeth and no sense of grace or decency. Besides, I cant stand the smell of home stilled whisky and roll ups.
 
#15
arby said:
arby said:
scotlass said:
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
suggest a german prison themed evening.
I would suggest popping round to mine for some proper treatment but I don't "co-mingle" with the natives, you're all far too unwashed with terrible teeth and no sense of grace or decency. Besides, I cant stand the smell of home stilled whisky and roll ups.
Arby...you flatter us. What do you mean no grace or decency? Whisky and roll ups is a big step up from our usual eau de buckie, and wee.
 
#16
scotlass said:
arby said:
arby said:
scotlass said:
I am at the moment being groomed by an elderly slightly overweight and very hairy gentleman, he keeps asking me to dress as a schoolgirl. I dont have a problem with the dressing up but the cane really smarts, could you please suggest an alternative?
suggest a german prison themed evening.
I would suggest popping round to mine for some proper treatment but I don't "co-mingle" with the natives, you're all far too unwashed with terrible teeth and no sense of grace or decency. Besides, I cant stand the smell of home stilled whisky and roll ups.
Arby...you flatter us. What do you mean no grace or decency? Whisky and roll ups is a big step up from our usual eau de buckie, and wee.
buckie you say? Well that changes everything. There is nothing like being balls deep in a paralytic glaswegian against a skip, the smell of fortified wine and urine wafting up your nostrils.
 
#17
So many questions,so little time.
I will Google the answers tonight.I mean I will use my vast knowledge and research the answers tonight.
 
#18
arby said:
buckie you say? Well that changes everything. There is nothing like being balls deep in a paralytic glaswegian against a skip, the smell of fortified wine and urine wafting up your nostrils.
So you've been to Clattie Pat's, then?
 
#19
I've got Maddie.

I say got, I gave her a boil in the bag about 2 weeks ago and she ate it - tinfoil and all.

Now she isn't moving. I hope I don't have to get her all the way back to Portugal. It was hard enough getting her here in the first place.
 
#20
I eat Poo and my friends say my breath stinks...Im at my whits end....Whats the best toothpaste to use?
 

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