Agony Aunt

Extracts from "Dear Bruce", an Australian 'Agony Aunt' column
in a popular men's magazine.

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my
wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky,
as they have been there for two months
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they
are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for
two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a
medical note - rubbers are good idea to use when you do an
Abo, as they are smelly bastards, Oh and 'roos too, helps
avoid bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use
an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need
reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it
since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one and now she wants me to
do it to her mate.
A. Errr... mate you're from Tasmania right? No worries
mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection
in the showers. Is this normal, I am a single guy and like
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only poofters play hockey.

Q. Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant
before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root

Q. Dear Bruce, I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear
leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury
moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical:
You're a raving poofter, no one likes you, get a gun, blow
your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce, my girl friend says we don't do enough
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't
recognise the word 'Foreplay'. Then it struck me, 'Fore' is
what you shout in golf. Jeez mate, men don't play golf with
women - but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a
dose of the clap. What do I do ?
A. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever, ever, ever,
ever admit to rooting a Kiwi.

Q. Bruce, the boys are telling me there is such a thing as
Dingo sex. What is it?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next
to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape,
rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap.
And the other one is when you drink too much and your old Dingo hard and it dingo in.

I wonder if i get any pm's complaining about this one :p
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