Aggressive behaviour from Hubby on return from Op Tour

Discussion in 'The Other Half' started by armywife13, Feb 24, 2009.

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  1. Hey everyone,

    Im new here so not really sure if anyone is able to help me with this predicament?....

    My husband, also serving returned from Afghan late 07. Since then he has been so aggressive. Violently attacking me on a couple of occassions now. Dont get me wrong we are both hot headed and im a woman that believes in a push for a push and all that, but when its unprovoked its not fair.

    Whilst he was out there i gave birth to our only child and obviously when he returned his life was very different. Newly married and tied down with a baby. I cant help but feel that he resents me for 'trapping' him and that he wishes he could just go out and enjoy him self with the rest of the lads.
    Id appreciate it if anyone could give me any advice or even tell me to wind my kneck in if im being unreasonable! :D

    Thanks again xx
  2. The first 2 things I would suggest are talking to him, and talking to Combat Stress. They might be able to help you.
  3. there is no excuse for domestic violence! FULL STOP
  4. You need to tell him that his behaviour is 100% un acceptable.
  5. WTF would you know, while I can't excuse incidents of Domestic Violence sometimes there are things below the surface that can cause it. Kindly take your fat civvie ass and park it somewhere it's welcome.

    ArmyWife13, are you in? As people have said, talking to him about it and finding out what's up is a start, but he might feel he can't talk to you. If there is some way of getting someone of his own age and sex to talk things through, not even to bring up the DV thing but to just talk to him about whatever has happened then that can be a start.
  6. Is your hubby still serving or not, as Combat Stress work with ex members of the forces, it was the Priory Group from those still serving, however, according to the SPVA it is now the Staffs / Shrops PCT area who are now treating serving members of the forces, which ever the case you will have to get your hubby to see his GP for the referal.

    Dependant on how bad you feel it is, one option is to walk out and stay with familym friends, or even a good neighbour and explain that UNTIL to two of you can sit down in a contolled enviroment and talk through ALL YOUR issues, then perhaps you need to keep your distance, especially with a young baby in the house.

    Yours is not the first, nor will it be the last alas, however, YOU have to take contol if possibly BETWEEN you, if you need an outside agency such as NHS - Military Mental Healthcare - Relate.

    I hope all of the above helps and you can get a handle on it?
  7. Yes i am serving too. My Hubby is still serving also. This has a massive stress on our relationship, jugglin the time away with the baby. I do try to talk to him but he just clams up! So hard. He says he will go to relate and seek help but as of yet still nothing.

    I dont want my marriage to break up as before he went to Afghan we were fine. Is it something that happened out there or is it the fact he just dont want to be married? Its so confusin but he wont talk! AArrrgghhh

    Thanks for the advice.
  8. It may be that he doesn't know the answers himself. He may be struggling to understand his own feelings. Have you tried having a quiet word with his best mate? Sometimes you tell your best mate things you just don't feel you can share with your wife. He may also be struggling to come to terms with having to compete with your baby for your attention, not your fault and not his, all situations take a little time to get used to.
    If he is willing to go to Relate at least he recognises that there is a problem and is willing to try to work it out, perhaps that is a good avenue to explore. You must lay down the law about the aggression though otherwise it will escalate, perhaps tell him to have a night out with the lads if he feels it beginning to build or you could both do something daft together which releases energy, perhaps go bowling or some such activity. If you can afford it why not set aside at least one night a week for 'us' time, maybe go out for a meal and a couple of drinks. The Mem Sahib and I used to go for a meal every Tuesday night, we would enjoy a meal and a few drinks and we did more talking than we did in the rest of the week! It was a great way of getting stuff sorted and got us away from the kids.
    Whatever you do work hard together, don't accept aggression at all, not just from your own point of view but he will feel guilt afterwards which will lead to shame, feelings of inadequacy which will build up frustration and the whole cycle will start again.
  9. You're not gonna get much better advice than that!
  10. agreed. yes im a civvy, but just makes sense really.
  11. Armywife13, you could also try with the Padre (cliched I know) but these guys often know where to point you. There are also mental health options available through the MedCen.

    These are ALL 100% confidential. And the Medcen aren´t going to just bang him on meds and break out the electrodes. It is more like a relate meeting.

    From the date mentioned above (Aug 07) it is unlikely that these problems are just going to drift away on their own. You could speak to the Padre on your own, to sound out advise, and then to convince your hubby that a certain route is what you need.

    Ask a few of his mates if there was anything he saw or did out there that may have tripped him.

    Ultimately though, it is HIS choice to change (how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb has to want to change itself) so he has to do something. You may just have to lead him to the right place though.

    Regards, fighting back... is that not going to escalate matters?

    Unsavory I know, have you any plans if he hurts you or starts on the baby? Perhaps a place to stay at a friend or family?

    For starters t hough, I´d start with the Padre. Or the Welfare OFficer.
  12. Armywife13

    There are a couple of things here which need addressing, first and foremost and most importantly is the safety of you and your baby that comes before all else in this sad situation, second your husband needs help to cope with his experiences in Afgan, and with his changing family situation. sometimes things happen to fast and to much at once for people to cope in normal life never mind for people who go through traumatic events.
    1) If you are exposed to any sort of domestic violence or domestic abuse you need to get help imediately, call the service police are the civil police, just because you call them doesnt automatically mean people get locked up, but what it does mean is that you get help imediatley, and in the long term, depending what area you live in depends what agencies are there to help you,
    2) Getting councilling for your husband and you is a good option, seeing the Padre isnt as daft as it sounds, they are good impartial listerners and can really help, go and see your GP or the MO at the med centre, and if he's reluctant to get help go and see his CSM/BSM/SSM quite often someone outside of the situation can persuade people to get the help they need.

    The bottom line is no one is entitled to hurt you at all, regardless of the background and reasons.

    Believe me when I say i have experience of domestic violence, many years of it, and unless you get help it just rumbles on and on until someone gets seriously hurt, not just physically, but mentally.

    Hope this helps, if you need anymore info PM me and ill put you in touch with the right people in your area.

    D 07
  13. Thanks D 07.

    I may just be in touch :)
  14. Difficult time for you, and for hubby. DV is never excusable and actually there's a raft of measures to prevent this sort of thing. However, was he always like this? and is he acting out of his usual character, brought on by service?

    Way beyond many of us , is the answer to that one. If I were your chap I'd be down to the GP for a chat and a referral. And sharpish, before this behaviour, probably caused by his job, but for which HE alone is responsible, strips him of his reputation, his family and security.

    Meanwhile, he could perhaps consider contacting the SSAFA helpline or your RBL local chappie. Water, horse ....and drink, usual stuff.