Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by SKJOLD, Jul 24, 2005.

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    Holy crap, baby Skjold is now 5 months old, hes nice and angelic until bedtime. Then all hell breaks loose, he feckin hates it and me and Mrs Skjold Dread putting him down to bed. His screams feel like someone cutting your eardrums out with a scapel and no anasthetic. Actually that would be less painful.

    Any suggestions would be gratefully received. Funnier the better I need a maoral boost (Id take him to Tiffany`s if I knew it would send him to sleep, guarnteed to send me to sleep everytime.) :)

  2. When I was a nipper my parents would give me milk or juice with a drop of whisky, apparently it worked wonders in getting me to sleep.
    Give it a go, your never to young to start drinking!!
  3. lay the fecker down leave the house for 2 hours and have a few pints at the pub...he will sooner or later cry himself to sleep.

    My little barsteward has gone for 2 hours of non-stop screaming to 2 minutes and he is now 13 months...hasn't bithered me a bit except the hang over in the morning ;-)
  4. pillow over head?

    just a thought!

    or turn the music up really loud and go out!

    i think i should wait before having kids :)
  5. I had that too apparently. Didn't do me any harm.



  6. Take it you've tried Calpol?
  7. Google "controlled crying". It is basically the scientific equivalent to Ctauchs suggestion but does not advocate going off on the p!ss. We used it and it works.
  8. Third that suggestion. Apparently my dad also used to feed me the foam off his beer. Worked wonders. And I haven't had that much of a drinking problem. :D
  9. Turn his bed so that it runs in a north south direction. Pick him up and hold him close to you, match your breathing with his(his will be fast if he's crying) gradually slow your breathing down he will follow and settle.
    Good luck
  10. Make your next doors neighbours dog, very mad by paint balling it.

    When dog is in a slobbering rage grab your nippers fav toy, and throw it at the dog.

    Make sure your nipper is watching the toy, as the dog goes mad and rips it apart.

    Threaten nipper if it crys again next time it wont be the toy that get lobbed at ya neighbours dog.

    Kid will be so frightend that it wont ever play up again and will require councilling!

    Not to good for young kids, but when they reach the age of around 4 its should work, just one for the back later!!
  11. Have him adopted or drop him off at the local orphanage.
  12. RTFQ


    Fight fire with fire.

    When he starts screaming, scream back - only louder. It works best if you are only an inch or so from his face. If he continues screaming, thump yourself in the head a couple of times, screaming all the while. He'll soon stop, or you'll get locked away with the mashed banana eaters - either way, it's quiet nights in front of the telly from now on.
  13. We used the "controlled crying" thingie too.

    Little Veg (seven-and-a-bit months) now gonks happily from 1900 to 0700.

    Lazy little fecker.

  14. Go to the nearest toddler club or another area where single mums with illegitamate children gather, borrow a couple and take them home and prop him up in the window so he can see.

    Make the 'borrowed' children cry by nipping them really hard and telling them that mummy is a worthless benefit scrounging slapper.

    When they reach there loudest shreik, ensuring little one is witness, plough into them with sword, bayonets and breeze blocks until all is silent but your heavy breathing.

    If that doesn't stop the little one squealing nowt will :D

    Yours with affection
    Maj Gen Massingberd-Massingberd VC DFC & bar