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AGGGH! MY SANITY! MY SANITY! AGGGH!

#1
LOSING OUR SANITY, FECKING HELP US! PLEASE!

Holy crap, baby Skjold is now 5 months old, hes nice and angelic until bedtime. Then all hell breaks loose, he feckin hates it and me and Mrs Skjold Dread putting him down to bed. His screams feel like someone cutting your eardrums out with a scapel and no anasthetic. Actually that would be less painful.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received. Funnier the better I need a maoral boost (Id take him to Tiffany`s if I knew it would send him to sleep, guarnteed to send me to sleep everytime.) :)

SK
 
G

Goku

Guest
#3
When I was a nipper my parents would give me milk or juice with a drop of whisky, apparently it worked wonders in getting me to sleep.
Give it a go, your never to young to start drinking!!
 
#4
lay the fecker down leave the house for 2 hours and have a few pints at the pub...he will sooner or later cry himself to sleep.

My little barsteward has gone for 2 hours of non-stop screaming to 2 minutes and he is now 13 months...hasn't bithered me a bit except the hang over in the morning ;-)
 
#5
pillow over head?

just a thought!

or turn the music up really loud and go out!

i think i should wait before having kids :)
 
#6
Goku said:
When I was a nipper my parents would give me milk or juice with a drop of whisky, apparently it worked wonders in getting me to sleep.
Give it a go, your never to young to start drinking!!
I had that too apparently. Didn't do me any harm.




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#7
Take it you've tried Calpol?
 
#8
Google "controlled crying". It is basically the scientific equivalent to Ctauchs suggestion but does not advocate going off on the p!ss. We used it and it works.
 
#9
Goku said:
When I was a nipper my parents would give me milk or juice with a drop of whisky, apparently it worked wonders in getting me to sleep.
Give it a go, your never to young to start drinking!!
Third that suggestion. Apparently my dad also used to feed me the foam off his beer. Worked wonders. And I haven't had that much of a drinking problem. :D
 
#10
Turn his bed so that it runs in a north south direction. Pick him up and hold him close to you, match your breathing with his(his will be fast if he's crying) gradually slow your breathing down he will follow and settle.
Good luck
 
#11
Make your next doors neighbours dog, very mad by paint balling it.

When dog is in a slobbering rage grab your nippers fav toy, and throw it at the dog.

Make sure your nipper is watching the toy, as the dog goes mad and rips it apart.

Threaten nipper if it crys again next time it wont be the toy that get lobbed at ya neighbours dog.

Kid will be so frightend that it wont ever play up again and will require councilling!

Not to good for young kids, but when they reach the age of around 4 its should work, just one for the back later!!
 
#13
Fight fire with fire.

When he starts screaming, scream back - only louder. It works best if you are only an inch or so from his face. If he continues screaming, thump yourself in the head a couple of times, screaming all the while. He'll soon stop, or you'll get locked away with the mashed banana eaters - either way, it's quiet nights in front of the telly from now on.
 
#14
We used the "controlled crying" thingie too.

Little Veg (seven-and-a-bit months) now gonks happily from 1900 to 0700.

Lazy little fecker.

V!
 
#15
Go to the nearest toddler club or another area where single mums with illegitamate children gather, borrow a couple and take them home and prop him up in the window so he can see.

Make the 'borrowed' children cry by nipping them really hard and telling them that mummy is a worthless benefit scrounging slapper.

When they reach there loudest shreik, ensuring little one is witness, plough into them with sword, bayonets and breeze blocks until all is silent but your heavy breathing.

If that doesn't stop the little one squealing nowt will :D

Yours with affection
Maj Gen Massingberd-Massingberd VC DFC & bar
Rampton
 

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#16
Hmmm, a common problem; however, you will find that, should you have more than one little rugrat, that 'second'child deafness' will soon ensue. Basically, once you realize that they aren't going to stop breathing/die if you don't comfort them (i.e. after the first one has successfully made it beyond its first birthday) you tend to leave them alon a LOT more :)

Believe me, after a couple, you'll be deaf to all but screams of utter terror - and even then they have to be pretty damned loud.
 
#17
OldSnowy said:
Hmmm, a common problem; however, you will find that, should you have more than one little rugrat, that 'second'child deafness' will soon ensue. Basically, once you realize that they aren't going to stop breathing/die if you don't comfort them (i.e. after the first one has successfully made it beyond its first birthday) you tend to leave them alon a LOT more :)

Believe me, after a couple, you'll be deaf to all but screams of utter terror - and even then they have to be pretty damned loud.
Yeah, and as a singly going about his godly duties, i take umbrage to "Second Child Deafness" especially in cinemas, supermarkets, parks, trains, buses and knocking shops. Your baby is crying! It's aggravating my hangover! For the love of the all merciful Allah, SHUT IT UP!

In fact, I might try my original idea with parents suffering publically from SCD: brat starts screaming and chucking his rattle, RTFQ starts screaming and thumping his head, and doesn't stop until the target family have got in their BMW X5 and have fecked off back to Surbiton.
 
#18
RTFQ said:
In fact, I might try my original idea with parents suffering publically from SCD: brat starts screaming and chucking his rattle, RTFQ starts screaming and thumping his head, and doesn't stop until the target family have got in their BMW X5 and have fecked off back to Surbiton.
For added 'reality' you could also do the complete baby act by Grand Slamming, then start crying & ask the parentals to clean you up...
 
#19
Vegetius said:
We used the "controlled crying" thingie too.

Little Veg (seven-and-a-bit months) now gonks happily from 1900 to 0700.

Lazy little fecker.

V!
Yes, this can work but it is bloody hard to do and can lead to nervous breakdowns from parents.

The sure fire way, and as a father of four (11, 9, 6 and 4) I've tried it with my own is taking them for a short drive in the car. Works wonders, within 1 minute junior will be out like a light. Only problem is that either you or Mum has to be fit to drive and, probably, you have had a few to get through the nightmare of sleepless nights?

If all else fails, try brandy on the end of a dummy (pacifier?). If the young'un doesn't pipe down at least they will laugh/gurgle for a bit before dropping off!!!!!!
 

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