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After a messy divorce

In which case I suggest you back off a bit - if you contacting him stokes the fire and he either ignores it or gives it the big FO then I would suggest that, however difficult it is to swallow, it's doing more harm than good.

The definition of madness is to repeat the same action and expect a different reaction - this isn't working so try something else: personally I'd write a letter, letting him know you love him and you want to be happy, that you're there fore him whenever he wants, and then just leave it. No good will come of repeatedly trying something that just makes the situation worse....
Done, done and done. Backed off ages ago and it made no difference. I believe dss calls it coaching when the kid has been so primed it makes no difference. But thanks for advice
 
Done, done and done. Backed off ages ago and it made no difference. I believe dss calls it coaching when the kid has been so primed it makes no difference. But thanks for advice

I gone up against the same thing - fortunately mine was much younger and the court and CAFCAS saw right through it and awarded contact anyway - and after that we went through a long period of lots of contact where she was quite open about how vitriolic her mother was. We're in a rocky patch right now - that is, I suspect, as much about being a stroppy teenager as it is about anything else - but it will change, or it won't, and I'll just have to crack on with life.
 
I've got a good one. As me & wife Nr 1 were coming to the end of it, (me wanting out) she 'confessed' that when i left the house approx 9 months before she'd been approx 3 months pregnant with our first. She hadn't told me as she didn't want me to stay cos of the child. In the meantime, me unawares of it all had buggered off to Iraq doing private sec work for a few months. In the interim, she had given birth to a son who had died within a day.With me being out of touch & contactable a funeral had taken place - no one on my side o family informed.
When I came back to the UK she didn't tell me although tbf we didn't have much contact.
It was only months later that I was told in a letter from her via her solictor.

I went spastic & blew a gasket & it def contributed to a my later falling apart at the seams. It affected me deeply & it took another month or two with letters passed between solicitors for her to then confess she'd made it all up. No idea why. I felt like shit for that period of time i was mourning a non existent child. I ended up searching death records across the area where i thought the wee chap may have been interred or cremated. Mental fcuking mare.
 
I've got a good one. As me & wife Nr 1 were coming to the end of it, (me wanting out) she 'confessed' that when i left the house approx 9 months before she'd been approx 3 months pregnant with our first. She hadn't told me as she didn't want me to stay cos of the child. In the meantime, me unawares of it all had buggered off to Iraq doing private sec work for a few months. In the interim, she had given birth to a son who had died within a day.With me being out of touch & contactable a funeral had taken place - no one on my side o family informed.
When I came back to the UK she didn't tell me although tbf we didn't have much contact.
It was only months later that I was told in a letter from her via her solictor.

I went spastic & blew a gasket & it def contributed to a my later falling apart at the seams. It affected me deeply & it took another month or two with letters passed between solicitors for her to then confess she'd made it all up. No idea why. I felt like shit for that period of time i was mourning a non existent child. I ended up searching death records across the area where i thought the wee chap may have been interred or cremated. Mental fcuking mare.
That’s harsh! Snakes with tits
 
I've got a good one. As me & wife Nr 1 were coming to the end of it, (me wanting out) she 'confessed' that when i left the house approx 9 months before she'd been approx 3 months pregnant with our first. She hadn't told me as she didn't want me to stay cos of the child. In the meantime, me unawares of it all had buggered off to Iraq doing private sec work for a few months. In the interim, she had given birth to a son who had died within a day.With me being out of touch & contactable a funeral had taken place - no one on my side o family informed.
When I came back to the UK she didn't tell me although tbf we didn't have much contact.
It was only months later that I was told in a letter from her via her solictor.

I went spastic & blew a gasket & it def contributed to a my later falling apart at the seams. It affected me deeply & it took another month or two with letters passed between solicitors for her to then confess she'd made it all up. No idea why. I felt like shit for that period of time i was mourning a non existent child. I ended up searching death records across the area where i thought the wee chap may have been interred or cremated. Mental fcuking mare.

Jesus Christ.
That's spiteful on a huge scale.
 
Divorced the previous mrs simmerit about 10 years ago - she was mental. Divorced with no settlement as she would not agree to anything and I burnt a fortune on legals - she's still in the former matrimonial home with two of my kids.

She did everything in her power to destroy my relationship with the kids, who now think she's as mad as a box of frogs as well. I've been accused of rape, physical and mental abuse and had the coppers called out in the early days. My eldest girls also had the coppers on me when I was up to see the kids - she accused me of assault - all complete b0ll0cks.

Women are metal - mostly. The current mrs simmerit is a bloke with a fanny - very male outlook and shed loads of common sense. Really pragmatic only has all the right bits in all the right places. She's proper nails though. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but if I found myself single again, I wouldnt bother.
 
I've got a good one. As me & wife Nr 1 were coming to the end of it, (me wanting out) she 'confessed' that when i left the house approx 9 months before she'd been approx 3 months pregnant with our first. She hadn't told me as she didn't want me to stay cos of the child. In the meantime, me unawares of it all had buggered off to Iraq doing private sec work for a few months. In the interim, she had given birth to a son who had died within a day.With me being out of touch & contactable a funeral had taken place - no one on my side o family informed.
When I came back to the UK she didn't tell me although tbf we didn't have much contact.
It was only months later that I was told in a letter from her via her solictor.

I went spastic & blew a gasket & it def contributed to a my later falling apart at the seams. It affected me deeply & it took another month or two with letters passed between solicitors for her to then confess she'd made it all up. No idea why. I felt like shit for that period of time i was mourning a non existent child. I ended up searching death records across the area where i thought the wee chap may have been interred or cremated. Mental fcuking mare.

Beyond cruel and involving legals. Only those who have had the heartbreak of losing a child (any age) can feel how you must have felt at that time.
Tbh brave of you to post that mate, hope life treats you well and your ex never has the experience of losing a child for real. Some people do not deserve the privaliage of parenthood, for her actions she is not one of them
 
There's some tragic stories on here...... when my first marriage broke up, I was driving from Durham to Manchester every other weekend for a while, to see my daughters, which was a crippler, especially as my second wife -to be felt so insecure.

Then it became every month, then they were allowed to travel up.

I was so bloody lucky that my wife understood we should keep the kids feeling safe.

It's so sad that a father should be forced to not enjoy the company of his kids for spite.
 
It makes me ashamed to b Female when women do this. My Dad hasn’t wanted to know us for years which is heartbreaking for us all. When my marriage ended ( no kids) I walked away only with what I owned. I didn’t attempt to claim a penny from him as it was my decision to leave and why take him to the cleaners ? when he was young enough to remarry and have kids. I hope there is a thing such as karma as your stories are awful and these women should be ashamed for themselves. The law needs to change when it comes to Fathers rights
 
I was divorced many years ago and as a result lost contact with my son for 20 years. In order to be found I set up a face book account and left it at that. If he ever wanted to find me I would not be hard to locate. It worked. About four years ago he contacted my niece to find out if she thought I would be interested in being in touch. :)

We have met up several times and he has been out to stay with me with a couple of his girl friends etc. Funnily enough, it was my former mother-in-law who encouraged him to find me when he discussed it with her. He has asked me about what happened between his mother and me, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. Though I have expressly told him, no matter what I think, I will never say anything bad about his mother to him. The subject has been left at that, though I expect that at some point we will talk some more.

The only advice I am willing to give is that you cannot force the issue. Just make it so that if your child wants to find you they can and then see what happens. Of course there is no guarantee they will ever want to know you. Also, even if you do make contact it might not be all you hope for. I know someone whose estranged child made contact after nearly 30 years. All was looking good etc, until he discovered that the only reason she had made contact was part of her need to lay low for a bit as she was wanted by the police in her home town.

Good luck.
 

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