Advice

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by cpunk, Nov 23, 2005.

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  1. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    Right. I had a very nice Thai fish curry last night but that, combined with a few glasses of wine, has wrought havoc with my guts and I am currently farting uncontrollably and getting concerned about possible follow through. The net result is that my office now smells like a septic tank, but it's bloody cold outside and I don't fancy opening the windows. Any advice on clearing/masking the reek?
     
  2. Have another curry.
     
  3. 1. Steal 1 x 12-year old Spaniel.

    2. Place by work desk.

    3. Whenever a third party comes within FPF, wrinkle nose, glare at subject of para 1 and kick same.

    4. Adopt a smug smile.
     
  4. Shove an air freshener up your arrse!
     
  5. msr

    msr LE

    Cut a strip of NBC suit into a 'panty liner' and hey presto! No nasty niffs.

    msr
     
  6. go home!!
     
  7. get a big, scented, girly, smelly candle...




    and then shove it up your filthy smelly arrse, you disgusting animal! :)
     
  8. Immediately source some lovely smelly pot pourri.

    Put it in a bowl and add some milk and sugar.

    Eat it as an ersatz breakfast cereal whilst watching Fern Britten on the telly and wondering why, despite all the reasons not to, you actually would.

    The result of this snack will be that the wholesome aromas of scented petunias or whatever will circulate around your guts and cancel out the Thai curry odours. When you do fart it will be as if you had morphed into a large "Haze" air freshener or similar, which you have to admit is a bit of a touch. Members of your family will be literally begging you to guff like that performing French bloke of old, as the resulting smell will be a joy to behold.

    Always a pleasure and never a chore,

    Veg
     
  9. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Put your coat on and open the window, you foul bowelled beast.

    If you don't act quickly the glue will melt and the plastic veneer will peel off your £69.99 Office World workstation and curl up like a pensioner's sparse pubes.
     
  10. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    Do nothing. Failing to properly appreciate or celebrate post-curry flatulence is the sign of a someone who has not served.
     
  11. Deny everything, admit nothing and make counter accusations.
     
  12. Its been said before but a good sh1t / fart is better than a bad fcuk.

    Its only on very rare occasions that I truly disgust myself and have to move away from my own arse vapour. Usually in the car on the motorway where all you can do is open all the windows in an attempt to fight off the poo cloud.

    I'm always self concious of the toxic waste sticking to my clothes and that whoever your meeting gets a lung full of bum-smog when you climb out of the motor.

    Cpunk, are you really wanting advice, or are you just drawing attention to how big and clever it is to fart? :D
     
  13. I too had the pleasure of consuming a curry last night, king prawn infact...awesome, best I have ever tasted, whilst driving to work this morning i had cravings for it again...

    By the time i had arrived at work the curry had done the conga down my colon and was knocking on the back doors to be let out...

    So first port of call was the ladies. I sat there still craving the king prawn culinary experience and did a Bob the Builder and began to lay cable..... imagine my surprise/delight when I blatted it out and it smelt exactly as it had tasted the night before....

    Took all my will power not to reach down, scoop it out and begin munching!!! :D :D

    Cpunk, sorry I cant offer any advise I love the smell of my byproducts. :? :D