Advice sought re: Teaching my child the Art of War

Due to an emergency I am off work today looking after little Veg, who is only seven months old. He is currently fast asleep, which is alright for him after waking me up at 04:30.

Anyway, I am of course trying to get him off to the best possible start in life and seeing as we have the day together I thought I'd concentrate on the path of the warrior. Early experiments with the axe, sword and bow have been slighty frustrating, as all he wants to do is put them in his little gob, drool and chew on them.

I have also been reading some Tsun-Zu to him, which he actually seems to enjoy. Clausewitz was less successful, although it did send him off to sleep. When he wakes up I'm going to show him the best way to use skirmishers as screening infantry on the flanks of an ancient army via my spotterish (but fun) computer game "Rome: Total War." Then no doubt we'll watch a documentary about Nazi tanks on Discovery.

Do any NAAFI-dwellers have any more top advice as to how I can encourage little Veg in these tender years how to go about being the best he can be so he doesn't end up like his old man?

Mrs. Veg is out of the picture for hours and I'm in charge to make sure he's brought up proper! Time to put on some baconburgers for his mid-morning snack!



Book Reviewer
I always found that molesting small creatures was a sound start.

Begin with something simple like stamping on woodlice, and gradually progress to other bugs, until, when old enough, you can teach him the old staple of burning ants with a magnifying glass. This I have found teaches all sorts of good things, such as hand/eye co-ordination, basic physics, and that gratuitous violence can be fun.


Book Reviewer
V, is he still belt-buckling....if so now is a perfect opportunity for your carpet shark to hone his commando crawling techniques.

Also, if he is still in his soiling himself whilst asleep mode, just surround the little tyke with cans of stella, great practice for the future.

Also if he has soiled himself, just turn his underpants/nappy inside out and he can get another day out of his skiddies.....

My wife is aghast that my four year old can interpret blue lines as rivers, lots of brown lines as hills, and, when 'mummy' asks where we are, she picks a blade of grass to point out to her parents where we are. It's usually with great confidence but wrong (the biggest town on the map is the favourite), but I can sense officer potential in this behaviour. My five month old, 'Erwin stuka' (not really) is coming along nicely, and has mastered the tactical roll-over.
This is all excellent advice. Thanks, especially the idea of insect combat techniques. I will go out into the garden and find some victims. I promise you, though, he'll try to eat them and then Mrs. Veg will stab me.

Saying that, teaching a baby to eat insects is very "combat survival" isn't it? Lots of protein and all that.

Battle Picture Library and Commando comics should be phased in and weedy kids books phased out. He should be left in front of the history channel to absorb military history, tactics and so forth but it sounds as if you are on the right track there already. Green and brown clothes, including a "regimental head dress" of some sort will also help to set a vibe. Some form of dart based game with pictures of TCH, dr death and Bliar will actively promote hand-eye thingy and also prepare him for politician-ragging.


Book Reviewer
Surely you are not onto back bearings and position fixing already?

Or do they just use the GPS?

Anyway V, you could also try great military movements such as rifle or sword drill using the rattle, basic fieldcraft such as cam & con (hide him in the garden and then have your missus run about screaming at you because she can't find the liitle bugger).
Suggest getting him toy guns, when he gets a bit older, and teach him firing positions, also playing hide and seek while he is in his baby combats, so a bit of cam and concealment comes into it.
Perhaps the Spartans are the best examples of cradle-to-grave professional killers. At the age of seven, the young would be sent to military training. So there's a few years yet.

Get a playpen and a neighbour's child, and arrange some "milling" between the two. The last infant standing (or crawling) gets a rusk.

Instead of building things with Lego, encourage the infant to knock them down. Unless you want them to be an engineer or something!

I have a little one en route and I intend to shortly begin playing the "Greatest WW2 Themes" record with a speaker next to the missus's bump!
You could teach him the actions on the command "Stand To", show him his Stand To position and Arcs of Fire.


Book Reviewer
What about beginning a staple diet of ITDs. One a week should do it. Get a baby CFT and BPFA squared away and your laughing.

If you do that, you'll have the only person the world actually up ta date with all their ITDs!
He is very good at throwing things, a constant source of wonderment and delight. This augurs well for his future grenade-hurling ability, or if he becomes a re-enactor, his pila throwing aptitude.

He is still asleep, the lazy little fecker. Hmmm. Mrs. Veg didn't leave instructions re. how to wake him up and it's time for his baconburgers and a pint of IPA.



Book Reviewer
Waking up drills? Easy, get a T-Bang from your home armoury and throw it next to the little tyke's head. When it goes off scream "STAND TO, STAND TO, get you up you idle bastard cretin, find some fecking cover!!!! Keep low, keep low..." Whilst simultaneously playing loud military film themes in the background.

If the little bugger cries during any of this you must reduce him to more tears during the debrief..preferably in front of his infant mates and muckers.
You could also get them doing room inspections, where they have to stand to attention every friday by the beds, with bed blocks made, and if the room isnt good enough trash it, if itis good, then reward him with pocket money!


Book Reviewer
And on when being awarded pocket money the little tyke has to state:

"25114789, Recruit Vegitius, drawing pay sir. I have no complaints or requests"

On completion tell him his liberty has been taken away because of Mr BLiar and he has to stag on all weekend while you go down the pub.
You could build him a sand pit and get him digging mini trenches, building sangers and tank berms etc. Also you bury some mines and send the nipper in to find them. getting him used to sand and hot arid conditions probably a good idea!
Make him sign for a sand castle stlye bucket and spade and then construct a fire trench in the back garden. Once completed, make him restore it to exactly how it was before he began and winge on about damage to training areas.
Mrs. Veg is from an army family. She is very switched-on about these things and my father-in-law often raises an eyebrow about her choice of clueless civvy husband (I wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in his regiment he often likes to harrumph before returning to his newspaper).

She would be horrified re. the apparent lack of structure to little Veg's day today. Little does she know, that via the miracle of the intaweb, I am plugging into the collective consciousness of the UK's finest military minds and raising a tiny Alexander!

Anyway, I phoned her and she suggested waking him up at 12:00. I have the bugle ready for reveille. I think he can wait until he's toddling before hurling thundies at him.

Will live-blog this masterclass in advanced parenting a bit later.


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