Advice needed

#1
Hello all!
I've been lurking around for a month or so, and finally have found the time to join. Unfortunately, I have to debute by begging for advice. Here's the situation:

There is a group of Irish students over here (Ontario, Canada) on some sort of exchange, one of whom has attracted my attention. I know she fancies me, a 30min snogging session in a club last night is a pretty good statement of interest. The trouble is her comrades. They are extremely protective, and I can't get her away from them. One of them (picture a female Jabba the Hutt) threatened "If you hurt her, I'll beat the living shyte out of you with a shovel." She meant it. All of this despite my great efforts to endear myself to the whole mob, showing them around to some of the better pubs and clubs in town, and keeping several of their number out of jail. So I ask the combined wisdom of Arrse, how do I get her away from her friends? I've dealt with this situation before, and it's usually fairly straight forward, but this one is different, my bag of tricks is empty. Help!(Serious and silly solutions welcome.)
 
#2
a) Take Jabba outside and give it a shoeing till its unconsious.

b) Smash the birds back door in and then let Jabba give YOU a shoeing, report her to the polizei, then go back and smash the birds back door in again.

c) Give Jabba a "Dirty Mexican". While shes recovering, swiftly retire with herself.......(be sure to smash her back door in)

d) Smash your own back door in.............then take her upstairs and smash her back door in
 
#3
Are they all joined at the hip or something ??

How about just asking the bird you like out on her own ??
 
#4
"Are they all joined at the hip or something ??" - No, though that would make for an interesting story. I'll add Siamese twins to my "to do" list.

"How about just asking the bird you like out on her own ??" - Crap, never would have thought of that! Tried, several times. Apparently the only time she has free is when out with her mob. I suspect that she just too bashful. I need something a touch cleverer than the norm.
 
#5
Get a grip and stop snivelling you beefer, go for Jabba and show her what she's missing then sort em both out
 
#7
Violence is the way forward here. You will need:
Machete, meat hooks (2), enough rope to circumnavigate the whale and the other retard and a plentiful supply of hallucinatory drugs to take down a horse.

I'll leave the MO up to you - but it's pretty self evident. Once the lesbian harpies are, ahem, removed, do what you have to with the one you fancy.

PS Can I suggest filming the lot as I'm sure it will find a ready market....
 
#8
What you need is a mate who has no moral standards, (any p1ss*d Private soldier should do!!) and invite him along to spear the heffer with a bit of pork sword. Then while she is getting her once a decade ride you can move in on the looker and fill yer boots.
 
#9
how about spiking jabbas drink with some high power laxatives then taking missy away whilst jabba is finding out how far her hole really can stretch be even more fun if u go into the ladies before hand and steal the shit roll
 
#10
white_hackle_mobster said:
"How about just asking the bird you like out on her own ??" - Crap, never would have thought of that! Tried, several times. Apparently the only time she has free is when out with her mob. I suspect that she just too bashful. I need something a touch cleverer than the norm.
Um, hate to piss on your chips, BUT I just don't think she fancies you. Bashful my ARRSE! She'd find a way to spend time alone with you if she wanted to.

Oh, and as for:

white_hackle_mobster said:
I know she fancies me, a 30min snogging session in a club last night is a pretty good statement of interest.
Ever heard of beer goggles? They're not just for blokes... :wink:

But I think you should bash the back-doors in on the Jabba doppelganger, just for a laugh... :D
 
#11
If she snogged you for 30 minutes, I don't think she is that bashful.. I have toagree with Dozy, she may well have been wearing very strong beer goggles.

Get them all very drunk, and hump the first one to say 'yesh'
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#13
Rohypnol as available on all good US date rape websites!
 
#14
Fang_Farrier said:
Rohypnol as available on all good US date rape websites!
Do you think jabba the hut will need it get someone?
 
#15
Spike Jabbas drink with horse tranqulizers, she wont die as its based on body mass. She will just be asleep for a week. This seems to be a common thing, fat girl protectionism sydrome or FGPS where the most ugly minger of the group seems to make it her business to keep everyone from having fun.
 

SCoy

War Hero
#16
Bring up the subject. All women hunt in packs, something else that makes em akin to U-boats.

If she avoids/denies the issue, shes not worth bothering about. If she feels that interested, then she'll make time.

Dozy's go a point though, pulling means nothing. Women have pull-a-pig nights too, y'know. :wink: Not that I'm saying anything. :D
 
#17
Excellent suggestions, but perhaps I wasn't clear enough. Jabba is not the only problem, there are 20 of these barstewards, half of them male. It's like swatting mosquitos, you get rid of one and two more appear.

Mates with no/low standards I have plenty. As I am currently assigned to the QM, I have access to a vast selection of tools (pick ax handles, maybe), POL, rope, and gun tape.

As I am typing this, I have received several text messages from the target, but only flirtatious, nothing solid. I am beginning to suspect that she, like me, views this as some sort of sport. On the up side, the playing field seems to be levelling as 3 of her crew are being deported to Ireland.
 
#18
white_hackle_mobster said:
how do I get her away from her friends? I've dealt with this situation before, and it's usually fairly straight forward, but this one is different, my bag of tricks is empty. Help!(Serious and silly solutions welcome.)
You need to hunt in a pack my Commonwealth Cousin. Get your muckers along with you, they can suitably entertain fatty and chums with pints, pork scratchings and amazing stories of chasing canadian bears across the tundra. Get them to leave a Hansel and Gretal trail of pies, pastries and pasties out side the pub and into some cages, trap the fat cnuts and drop boulders on them.

This should leave you with plenty of alone time with the bashful boggy princess, you can wow her with tips of how best to grow potatoes whilst sharing stories about Pope Jean Paul Davenport 3rd. That should get her suitably moist before you asault her shamrock with your throbbing blood stick.

Hope this helps, please forward any pic's of fatty with a boulder on her bonce & still clutching a packet of smiths scampi fries.
 
#19
Cait said:
Hope this helps, please forward any pic's of fatty with a boulder on her bonce & still clutching a packet of smiths scampi fries.
And if everythign goes wrong with the looker, you can at least gaurantee yourself a sack emptying sortie with the freshly flattened fatty....

My advice would be to do something memorable whislt making sweet love to her...... I personally favour biting a large chuck out of her neck and forcing the blunt end of a spoon between her intercostal muscles.... (the fatties will tell you thats her ribs)

As the shock value begins to wear off grab both lugs and wrap them round your waist and staple them there, that way no matter where you go that day you will be rammed down her gullet

Hope this helps, do keep us posted
 
#20
Right, just wrapped up 3 hours of text message pingpong with the target, and have learned the following:
1) That we are going out Wed, but the whole feckin peanut gallery is coming too despite my best efforts.
2) That her friends think I don't like them. They're a fine bunch, I just wish they'd feck off. Maybe I should try to get they all deported.
3) That they are extremely protective of each other, due in part to being in a foreign country (Canada foreign?) and due partly to the drunken antics of some of them which has resulted in curfews (whomever is I/C their group must have been an MP) and police involvement. Any suggestions on how to get the whole lot, minus my bird, arrested?
4) That she has decided that I look like Tintin. I don't, but since she likes Tintin, I'll go along with it. On the whole, I'd rather not be thought of as some badly-dressed, Belgian poofter.
5) That my mind is far dirtier than hers. No real surprise there, but she doesn't get any of the innuendo. I know they can't spell or speak English properly, but are all Irish birds dense?

Well I've got 48 hours to come up with a new battle plan. Keep it coming!
 

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