Advice needed concerning fart free diet...

#1
I'm seeing this Finnish bird on Friday night, It's the second 'date' and she's suggested that we go out in her part of east London as it's cheaper than central London. I suspect that the real reason she wants to go local is so that she can invite me back to her flat and have her way with me. My problem is that I have mild irritable bowel syndrome and after a rich meal meal and a gallon of bitter I will be farting like a dog. What advice can you offer regarding a fart free night given that she's decided that food and drink will be the basis of the evening? Will those Windeze tablets help? Is it OK for a bloke to drink wine while the bird is chugging strong lager by the pint? Can I just have a salad while she has a steak?

All sensible advice gratefully received
Flatulent Bob from Slough.
 

Grumblegrunt

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
wine is fine in a pint glass. get her shitfaced and she might not notice the smell
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#4
When you're in the car, wind the windows up and ask "can you smell petrol?" This will make her take a big snort of your rancid trouser cough.

Suppressing your natural musky scent is not for winners.
 
#9
As shes a foreigner just tell her a resounding post meal trouser trumpet is a British tradition that's a complement to the chef for a fine meal
 
#10
It's the post shag trouser trumpets that I'm worried about; I don't think that telling her that they're a British tradition complementing her on anal sex will cut the mustard.
 
#11
I give my dogs, charcoal biscuits works a treat absolutely stops even the merest hint of a fart but they do need 4 a day. Might be a bit tricky getting her to eat that much, although you could cover them in custard and announce a new desert?
 
#12
It's the post shag trouser trumpets that I'm worried about; I don't think that telling her that they're a British tradition complementing her on **** sex will cut the mustard.
That's what you're worried about? It's the mid-shag parps that do the damage by killing any chance of continuing coitus due to a fit of the giggles or her being disgusted.
 
#13
IBS = only date girls with a dog that can take the rap
 
#14
PS

If a rich meal and a gallon of bitter is what sets you off, then eat and drink something else.

You're going to the East End, so I'm sure some Guinness and a decent ruby will not be difficult to find, and your "problem" will be cured because you'll be so scared of shitting yourself you won't fart pre-, mid- or post- shag. In fact, you'll spend so much time locked in the thunderbox you won't have any worries about your grumbling gut humiliating you in any way.
 
#15
PPS

Just tell her that you have IBS and that you have to be careful about what you eat because of your ability to produce enough gas to power a small town. She will appreciate the honesty, give you a sympathy BJ and, if you're lucky, join in with the symphony later for you can bet she'll be holding them in all night as well.
 
#17
Farts are funny, you dull fuck. Man up and learn the flugelhorn part for the 1812 Overture. That'll impress the hell out of her....
 
#18
Helpful advice you say?
Well it's simples.
A light meal and soft drinks etc, surely you can manage without foods and drinks that make you follow through for the sake of a fuck?
Otherwise fuck up your chances by eating and drinking yourself into a brown fug.
Fuck me, it's just as well there's not an IQ test to join ARRSE.
 
#19
It's the post shag trouser trumpets that I'm worried about; I don't think that telling her that they're a British tradition complementing her on anal sex will cut the mustard.
Then don't let her do you up the ricker and you should be OK. (FFS, letting her bugger you on the 2nd date - what's the world coming to?)

You could try smacking her in the nose early on in the evening - then it'll be blocked up with clots so she won't be able to smell anything.
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
#20
I'm trying to make a good impression, dutch oven isn't an option until the 4th date.
You Iron Hoof, its the acid test and should be done on the first date, anything else is metrosexual!
 

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