Actual in flight announcements

#1
please dont flame me if this has been posted before :D

Here are some real in-flight announcements that have been heard or reported:
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than XYZ Airlines."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

I thought they were funny
 
#2
Adding a laugh!

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"

 
#3
And another.

An army service deserter was running down a road escaping from two MP's.
He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs
came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way!"
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!
I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
 
#4
Nothing else to do.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
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Guest
#5
Ladies and Gentlemen, in the event of a sudden depressurisation, two large pink things will appear in front of your face: these are your lungs...
 
#7
Reminds me of the Myth of an RAF air trooping flight leaving Bosnia and returning to UK. Aircraft preapares for landing. Announcement over the intercom;

Pilot: Welcome back to the Uk. We would like to take this oppurtunity and remind all female passengers you are now ugly again.
Male passengers: :lol:
Female passengers: :(
(something like that any way. I wonder if its true)

SK
 
#8
BA Nigel landing at Abuja (Nigeria):

"Welcome to Nigeria, please set your watches back 50 years"

(Pilot sacked).

.................

Me in Pretoria:

"November Tango Papa on final, bomb bay doors open"

("Hats-orf" interview sense of humour failure ATC)

.................

UK cheapy airline:

To cabin:
"Ladies and gentlemen, blah blah rhubard, sorry for the delay, better to be quarter of an hour late in this world than quarter of a century early in the next etc."

Very loud voice from back of bus: "Fukcing clever batsard!"

FO: "Christ, these people really are fukcing pigs."

Door was open.
 
#9
Famous ATC convo circa 1970:

US pilot to UK ATC lass (in Blackbird):

"Request Flight Level 600" (+/- 60,000 feet)

ATC lassie, laughing:

"Well, if you can get there you can have it."

US:

"Roger, decending FL600 through 750"

Gives me a chubby!
 
#11
On the apron at Lanseria, South Africa, pilot spotted a chap touching his aircraft's wing:

"Hey, kaffir, get away from my fukcing bony"

Gentleman in q was:

i The (only) passenger
ii Gabonese Cabinet Minister

he he he
 
#13
Beech Baron,

She was on a famil visit to the USAF. When they said they required a Blackbird, the MOD send the nearest thing they could find - a crab tottie with an afro.

Woo
 
#14
trickywoo said:
Famous ATC convo circa 1970:

US pilot to UK ATC lass (in Blackbird):

"Request Flight Level 600" (+/- 60,000 feet)

ATC lassie, laughing:

"Well, if you can get there you can have it."

US:

"Roger, decending FL600 through 750"

Gives me a chubby!
"Roger, decending FL600 through 750"

fookin love that :D

think I am aroused by that lol
 
#15
US jockey ex Baconheath after refuelling with crab Fat Albert (C130)

"Bet you can't do this!"

Fast Jet rolls 3 times

C-130 pilot:

"Bet you can't do this"

C-130 carries on straight and level

FJ "What d'you do?"

RAF bod - "Ate a curry"

arf
 
#16
F16 pilot to C130 pilot

"I can do this, can you?"

Three barrel rolls later...

F16 pilot "Go on then!"

C130 pilot "Already did it"

F16 pilot "Did what?"

C130 pilot "Switched off one engine, I can do this, can you?"
 
#17
Not aircraft related but didn't think it was worth a new thread. Got it in as an e-mail years ago.


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers....

" Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I

know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from

elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

" Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

" Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
" We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies
and gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."


"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in
the door "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie
down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I
come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
 
#18
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f****king bored."
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f****king bored, not f***king stupid!"





A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking,
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (A Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land..
 
#20
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right onto Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew. she was now shouting
hysterically, "God, now you've screwed everything up. It'll take forever
to sort this out. You stay there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?!"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking:
"Wasn't I married to you?"



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
Little Fokker in sight."
 

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