Actual in flight announcements

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by discodan, Mar 5, 2005.

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  1. please dont flame me if this has been posted before :D

    Here are some real in-flight announcements that have been heard or reported:
    On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite."

    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than XYZ Airlines."

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    I thought they were funny
     
  2. Adding a laugh!

    A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
    decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"

    [​IMG]
     
  3. And another.

    An army service deserter was running down a road escaping from two MP's.
    He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
    He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain why later."
    The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs
    came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
    She replied, "He went that way!"
    After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
    The nun said she understood.
    The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
    The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!
    I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
     
  4. Nothing else to do.

    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

    Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

    St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
     
  5. Ladies and Gentlemen, in the event of a sudden depressurisation, two large pink things will appear in front of your face: these are your lungs...
     
  6. roflmao... thats boss
     
  7. Reminds me of the Myth of an RAF air trooping flight leaving Bosnia and returning to UK. Aircraft preapares for landing. Announcement over the intercom;

    Pilot: Welcome back to the Uk. We would like to take this oppurtunity and remind all female passengers you are now ugly again.
    Male passengers: :lol:
    Female passengers: :(
    (something like that any way. I wonder if its true)

    SK
     
  8. BA Nigel landing at Abuja (Nigeria):

    "Welcome to Nigeria, please set your watches back 50 years"

    (Pilot sacked).

    .................

    Me in Pretoria:

    "November Tango Papa on final, bomb bay doors open"

    ("Hats-orf" interview sense of humour failure ATC)

    .................

    UK cheapy airline:

    To cabin:
    "Ladies and gentlemen, blah blah rhubard, sorry for the delay, better to be quarter of an hour late in this world than quarter of a century early in the next etc."

    Very loud voice from back of bus: "Fukcing clever batsard!"

    FO: "Christ, these people really are fukcing pigs."

    Door was open.
     
  9. Famous ATC convo circa 1970:

    US pilot to UK ATC lass (in Blackbird):

    "Request Flight Level 600" (+/- 60,000 feet)

    ATC lassie, laughing:

    "Well, if you can get there you can have it."

    US:

    "Roger, decending FL600 through 750"

    Gives me a chubby!
     
  10. On the apron at Lanseria, South Africa, pilot spotted a chap touching his aircraft's wing:

    "Hey, kaffir, get away from my fukcing bony"

    Gentleman in q was:

    i The (only) passenger
    ii Gabonese Cabinet Minister

    he he he
     
  11. What was an ATC lass doing in a Blackbird ?? :D
     
  12. Beech Baron,

    She was on a famil visit to the USAF. When they said they required a Blackbird, the MOD send the nearest thing they could find - a crab tottie with an afro.

    Woo
     
  13. "Roger, decending FL600 through 750"

    fookin love that :D

    think I am aroused by that lol
     
  14. US jockey ex Baconheath after refuelling with crab Fat Albert (C130)

    "Bet you can't do this!"

    Fast Jet rolls 3 times

    C-130 pilot:

    "Bet you can't do this"

    C-130 carries on straight and level

    FJ "What d'you do?"

    RAF bod - "Ate a curry"

    arf