Achtung ... Bratwurst!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by shortfuse, Apr 3, 2006.

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  1. Being dragged around the shops is a pain in the arrse, i despise shopping with a passion, but shopping on a Saturday is just f**king stupid.

    So, imagine my delight on being told by a bored looking shop assistant that there was

    "some German market fing sellin sossojiz 'nall dat malarkey innit"

    Well, obviously my ears pricked up...

    "beer?" I enquired trying to remain calm

    "Yeah, sum German beer 'n dat malarkey innit"

    That was it, i started straining against my leash and whimpering until finally with a heavy sigh i heard her say

    "go on then, but dont be too lo....".. didnt hear the rest as i was trampling small children to get out of the shop i was in and over to where the action was happening, i rounded the corner and there it was... a bratty stall .... and a beer tent ....i dribbled some pre cum into my pants but managed to restrain myself long enough to get in the queue for a bratty mit senf... pure f**king bliss...

    eat it in about 3.7 seconds, and narrowly avoided biting one or more of my fingers off, then on to the beer tent.

    Krombacher on draught, at a reasonable price... i knew even at this early stage i was in trouble, and coupled with the sun poking its head out every so often a good day of al fresco drinking and hi jinks were in the offing.

    Now, the town i live in isnt that big, and the fact a new drinking den had emerged sent the jungle drums into overtime and within an hour every miscreant, ne'er do well and p*ss head in the district was pin balling into the tent (it was 14:00 by this time most of them had been drunk since half past February)

    I distinctly remember being asked by a woman who looked like she's combed her hair with a toffee apple, and was wearing a fur coat and pink pyjamas if she could "have a sip" of my beer.... now the fact her mouth looked like a gun shot wound, and the flecks of "carpet" in the creases of her lips did put me off somewhat so i politely explained she should "get fucked".. to which i believe she took offence.... why am i such a f*cking looney magnet?

    I'd hooked up with a few old mates, and we were scooping Deutsche brew down like it was going out of fashion, when something in my head went "click" and i was transported back to the days of the squadron bar.... it was unavoidable really, all my senses being assailed with the smells and tastes of "der vaterland" ..... in my defence i didnt actually skiff anyone.... but a minor scuffle did break out behind me due to someone being hit in the ear with an empty bottle of kuemmerlings.... yeah.. they were selling that to...

    The only minor drawback was the fact that there were no toilet facilities in the bar, and once i have broken the seal i average one trip every other pint, so i was pin balling in and out McDonalds on a regular basis, until trip 7 or 8 when they'd coned off the upstairs... not to be put off i simply scaled the outside of the staircase when i heard
    "excuse me.. you cant go up there"... it was spotty ... the manager...
    I vaguely remember giving him my bestest nastiest face and growling
    "f*ck off johnny no stars I either go upstairs or lag up them ... your choice".... before continuing my journey, and upon finding all the lights off executing a perfect "blind wazz" with no splashes on myself whatsoever... mind you f*ck knows what the bogs were like....

    To be honest the rest of the day is a bit of a haze, I vaguely remember either ringing or texting several fellow arrsers to taunt them, and next thing i was fully dressed on the sofa and it was dawn the next day .... the inbetween bit is all a bit fuzzy, no doubt i will be reminded of, and recollect the other stuff as the week progresses.

    Anyone else have a pleasant surprise/unexpected p*ss up this weekend?
  2. I was on the recieving end of a phonecall from a pissed up pillock spouting off about Bratwurst mit pommes and quality german falling down potion.

    I spent the rest of the day drooling and recalling Beer fests and Wolfgangs Bratty wagon. Matesons Smokies and Kronenburg just aren't the same.... Yes I was slightly jealous, but consoled myself in the thought that my skin isn't too big for my body and I don't sound Lorraine chase gargling gravel...

    Faaccckkinn Luutton Aiirport Innit
  3. Sounds like a good afternoon you lucky ba$tard, but as we all know only too well, the long-haired CO 'kin hates you having fun without her. :roll:
    How many extras did Frau Fuse award you, and is your sofa now a little damp and pungent?
  4. Quality tale of woe....

    Stumbled upon a german market stall in My home town... was dire. no beer and no brattys....

  5. That has made me laugh out loud Shortfuse!

    Oh how I miss those German drinking days....... :(

    When Mr Ice and I were newly married, we were in Herford. One Saturday morning he says, "Come on the Fayre's on in town, let's go". I said, "Are you mad? It'll be all cheap cuddly toys and dodgy rides?" Anyway we set off, me relunctantly, on foot. We met most of the Troop by chance on the way there. Now Herford has quite a steep hill on the way to town called Kastanienallee which on the way was all down hill, bonus! We started off walking and by halfway down we were almost at a jog and by the bottom we were running, so it made it look like some strange Troop PT session, with wives! :lol:

    We did the token lap of the fayre and then went to the beer tent, where we could be heard joining in with the oompa band, all very good humoured, generally had a cracking time and sang along to some song that went a bit like, "Meine Schatze ist eine Feuerwehr Mann" or something like that.

    On the way out we passed the houseplant stall, which had sold out of everything bar these 'trees' and a few of our party thought it would be a good idea to get in touch with their Lawrence Llowellen Bowen side and get some for their rooms! Now, very drunk squaddies are funny at the best of times (on the whole), but very drunk squaddies carrying trees that were at least seven foot tall already, well it was hilarious........ until we all got to the bottom of Kastanienallee!

    Craning our heads peering at the summit of said hill we decided to pile in to the local schnellie to soak up a bit of alcohol as we hadn't eaten since breakfast and to give us some energy for the hill. At that time there was a scnellie which we called "Fat Sams" (which in typical squaddie humour described the owner). Needless to say, 'Fat Sam' not only ended up with the last of our cash that night, but some nice fully grown plants to decorate his establishment! :lol:
  6. The thing is... i've just been told its on until the 17th of April ..... I'm dead.

    I need to resist the lure of it, but know that as opposed to having to be dragged into town with my fingernails scraping along the path, i will be looking for bone excuses to just "pop in" ....

    that means 2 bank holidays.... i better get match fit, i can feel some "uber sessions" coming on, will keep you all posted obviously.

    may need some alternative accomodation by then though, as i am already on a Gypsies, for several minor (and a couple of major) slip ups... but time will tell.

    I know for a fact once i get settled into a routine its only a mater of time before naked bar gets called, and its only a short trip from there to the local nick, and the front page of the local paper... you just cant get away with the same bare chested hetero shennanigans in sleepy commuter towns that you can in Germany.

    Has anyone else commited a faux pas like this recently where they suddenly realised in the cold light of day that p1ssing in someones pocket etc. isnt the type of behaviour expected of them?
  7. minister_doh_nut wrote

    oh how i miss that familiar bell ringing as you pull into the harbour area. "right lads cam up"..........."feck off :!: :!: wolfies here hurrah :D :D :D :D :D :D "chips & beer please fella :?: :?: "

    that big blue van must have been more like the tardis cause how else did he there before we did & how did he get across some of the terrain the tracked vehicles struggled with :?: :?:
  8. I was out this weekend and found a great German bar open that sold all the beers that you can imagine including dunkel brau and Wiessen Beer. Got a complete skinful and left to find that there was a genuine German bratwurst stand with a couple of real Germans running it. Oh the taste of Currywurst and those long chip dipped in mayo were mind boggling. Eventually woke up on Sunday mornimg feeling like the gorrila had shot in my mouth, wtached the baot race and ironed me kit. Paberborn is a great town!
  9. Ah fat sam, truly the best purveyor of gyros in Westfalen, even if he did let the ash from his clatty rauch drop in your scran.
    Schutzenfest absolutely rocked. A gent who I knew got harry tankers and took on one of the pro fighters in the boxing tent and won 2000 DMs it was a true testament to the abilities of a britisher soldat with enough screech in him.
    A quality anecdote, shortfuse, I am glad that I have not encountered such a festival, these days, if I get drunk enough I normally renact the old Sqn bar days, on the rare occasions I do get lashed up, the 10th pint of deutche brau is normally followed by an unspecified measure of my own waz.
  10. You can witness the same behaviour here during the German "Christmas Fair". Most of the German top brands on draft with lots of Currywurst mit pommes mayo bitte. Suspiciously large groups of 30 and 40-summats that just scream ex-squaddie , especially when you can hear them talking about North Rhine Westphalia and getting stuck into the Weissbier.

    Weissbier - It's what evil tastes like :(




  11. Wash your mouth out PTP

    It makes your pods and muscles dead big as fcuk! Well thats what the senior Toms in my squadron told me when I winced and contorted when I took my first sip.
  12. B*stard.
  13. You should get down here for the next one MDN , but leave yer motor at Auntie S's and get the train in.
  14. Yeah there is a reason for that. I once met mr Matte in a buisiness meeting. I heard his German accent and by way of small talk asked him where he came from "Koeln".. And when did you move to England.. "1938"......Hmm time to change the subject.

    Kosher bratwurts....
  15. Milton Keynes was holding a German Christmas Fayre, I nearly keeled over when I saw how much they were charging. £3.00 plus for a currywurst....... :(