Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Sep 14, 2010.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    My sister is expecting her second nipper, the selfish cnut.

    I got dicked to be godfather and uncle for the last one, which costs me every birthday, Christmas, Easter, first sh1t in a potty, fist walk, first words, the lot...... Its a fcuking swizz.

    She is a bit far gone for a termination via the gift of a big cnut hoover but am sure if I paid a few hundred quid there is somewhere she could go to have an 8 Month old feotus removed. She's had a 4D scan and its ugly so no dramas. She's not seen it yet so can't have feelings or any attachments to it and another result is she won't have to endure the pain of forcing it out of her c0ck socket.

    Pregnant women are a bit hormonal. She is having a gay American style baby shower..... I want to send her a small balsa wood coffin with 'only open if still born' on it, but I've been warned it might meet a frosty reception. How the hell do I broach the subject of getting her to have it aborted?

    Because its so far gone (so long as they don't kill it by crushing its head) I'd pay to keep it in a jar, then instead of pressies, I'd gladly pay for some fresh pickle juice each year or whenever it gets cloudy. Imagine the entertainment when guests come round when you hurl a near full term dead baby at them or boot it accross the garden to guage a reaction.

    Anyone else got any funny abortion stories?
  2. Get yourself down to the Gordon museum at Guys in London, they've got pickled babies in jars that still have the stocking their mother strangled them with round their neck!!! And 2 headed ones!
  3. I think you can expect to be 'dicked to be uncle' for this and any subsequent ones - that is how families work. Unless, of course, you are also the father, as that takes precedence; you're not a Fifer, are you?
  4. Not looking forward to it then?
  5. No particularly good abortion stories mate, but I do wonderful work with a sharpened coat-hangar and one of those new Dysons. The secret is to flick it on to the floor first (stops it screaming) and vacuum from the legs.

    On reflection, at 8 months, we might have to go for an industrial carpet shampooer
  6. Nip up to Glasgow. There, you'll meet people who will "remove" a 40 year old foetus for £50. They'll do an 8 month one for fun.
  7. How about giving her a good swift kick to the gut? Do it hard enough and he might just fart the brat out right there on the spot!

    And next time rubber up before you shag her this really is your own fault. You could even get her tubes tied, easy enough done when mongs are concerned.
  8. Fecking in hell it's now a bloke givin birth, quick phone the sun!!
  9. Force feed her some Gin, plenty of hot chillies followed by a swift kick in the cnut a 'peoples elbow' finished off by pushing down the stairs!
  10. Is it a boy or a girl?

    Surely if it's a girl you're missing out on a potential shag in five or six years? Given the current popularity of "I got fucked by my Dad" type books, you'll make a mint when you force her to write her life story once she gets too old to perform coitus with in sixteen or so years.

    Not to mention the potential for getting her on TV in a Childline advert or something.
  11. A chemical abortion comes in two parts, one to kill it, another one to get it to come out taken the next day. If you can score either it would probably do the job. Although, as it's only really used on the little ones perhaps the first one might just cause severe brain damage and not actual termination.... In which case I don't think it would notice if you missed birthdays or Christmas. You might get away with the old "It was your birthday last week, you remember, I took you to Alton Towers and you loved it". Everyone's happy. As long as your sister doesn't spot it.
  12. You thoughtless evil bastards, the lot of you. Half the world barely scraping by and there you are, on an open forum, talking about wasting good food. It really makes the blood boil.

    And so, once the blood is brought to the boil add:

    - A pint of chicken stock
    - One boned and diced foetus
    - Chopped carrots and onions
    - A little salt and pepper

    Simmer for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally.

    And don’t forget to donate the money saved to your local church. I recommend the Catho… erm, the Cathode Ray Aquaplaning Priests (CRAP). Book them now for a show you’ll never forget…
  13. In all fairness, that's probably worth paying money to see.

    Single roller skates at the head of the stairs, cutting scenes from the Exorcist into he DVD of Mary Poppins, arranging a surprise visit from Lembit Opik - all it takes is a bit of imagination.

    And a camcorder. Don't forget the camcorder.
  14. That's ironic because most Glaswegians escaped from abortion buckets
  15. IM sorry i dont have any personal abortion stories but i was moved by your plight and wish to help so i have created a facebook group dedicated to someone who shares your passion. All of you feel free to join and maybe we as a community can solve the problem of late term abortions
    Welcome to Facebook