AARSE TV. Ideas wanted.


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264 channels and sod all worth watching. And if you include IPTV on the web, 23,864 channels and sod all worth watching.

The ARRSE TV channel is long overdue. All programme ideas welcome.

I’ll start shall I? Good.

“Pop The Pandas”. A 5 part series.

Pandas. Bloody useless. All he does is eats, shoots, and leaves. Sleep. And hump other Pandas to make little Pandas. Can they manage this? Take a wild guess.

Millions of pounds of our scarce resources are devoted to trying to save them, on land the Chinese could use to build Trainers factories so we could have cheaper Trainers.

Attenborough must have miles of film on the over grown teddy bears, and they seem to do OK in Zoos, so lets give Mother Nature a helping hand for once.

Pop The Pandas. A team of 10 ex SF, slightly overweight, who are all called funny names like Nobbler and Deggsie and Questionable Mary. They pose as a team of environmentalists from a Welsh University, secretly smuggle guns and sharp knives from Kyrgyzstan, then set about playing Pop The Panda.

When we’re down to the last Panda, we hold an online auction for the right to finally make these useless creatures extinct. Not only a trophy head on the gunroom wall, and entire trophy species. The Septics and Ivans will love it.

Pop The Panda. An ARRSE TV Production.
And people imagine they have an enchanting temperament and personality. I used to be friendly with a chap who had been the senior vet at London Zoo, Regents Park. He explained that, despite their appearance, they are just overgrown raccoons ......... with the temperament of a raccoon.
New Blue Peter, all the presenters are naked porn stars. Instead of the pets lying about the presenters could s hag them.

Imagine learning how to make a birthday card by some some huge breasted blond bint who's getting shafted by a collie dog!
0500 to 0730 - feel good music videos played preferably 80's genre nothing 2000's era to wake you up
0730 to 1100 - military gossip and outrageous talk, televised version of NAAFI
1100 to 1200 - tribute to all past,serving wounded and KIA, as well as brief update of what is going on overseas operation wise
1200 to 1900 - various good TV shoes playing voted in by members
1900 to 0000 - late night decent film played
0000 to 0400 - harcore lesbian porn homemade clips sent in and played
0400 to 0500 - chill out music circa 1940's dolly parton the likes.

As much as I hate the programme, Big Brother could be adapted for Arrse TV.

Take 10-20 squaddies, varying capbadges, and stick em in an old 10 man barrack room for 20 weeks, with as much booze and as many fags as possible. Give em 10 man rat packs and vote the buggers out once a week, following the 'Command Task' failure. The diary room could be a 9x9 out the back.

For extra interest how about introducing a groupie once in a while (with extra booze of course) to see how the guys react on an interpersonal level (we all know where that would lead)

The rejects could be dressed as Panda's and shot, as per 'Pop a panda' above for a programme tie in!
like the Blue Peter idea but not too keen on the beastiality angle, maybe animals after midnight?
Go for the Blue Peter with porn stars but have a daily lottery were a random squaddie is picked and gets to nail a porn star!
Have a squaddies wives section, pics, vid clips etc... and then top couple of wives are selected each week and are gang banged by all of the presenting porn stars (male and female) and lucky squaddie of the week gets to join in!


Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Nigella In The Kitchen; Nigella Lawson shows you how to bake crack, using just the basic ingredients.

Property Ladder; succesful and wealthy developers are hung by the neck from a specially constructed ladder, built by people who have no skills.

CSI; Norfolk. Follow the crack team of investigators who use DNA sampling and all their technical tricks to work out the family tree of people in a small Norfolk village, and who find they are all descended from one man. Thier dad.
Some more rough ideas:

Jamie Olivers Cookhouse Dinners
Changing Rooms - (Using only issue paint & Army Furniture)
Pimp my AFV
Top (Army) Gear - A hilarious look at Military Vehicles, with the Celebrity lap in a 110 series Lanny
Shameless - The story of an MSQ estate in Catterick and its inhabitants.
"Walt meets Squaddie" - Same type of challenges as Gladiator with mil challenges chucked in for good measure, where Wannabes pit themselves against the biggest, meanest, bad ass Regulars. Steady flow of blood guaranteed :twisted:
Got a good one:

The Apprentice - ARRSE style:

Gen Mike Jackson needs a new right hand man, 16 civvies have applied, only one will get the job. Each week the 2 teams will be set difficult command tasks, like taking a hill under fire, or using JPA without fuc*ing it up.
At the end of the task they return to the Command Tent where they will be torn apart by Gen Jackson, the losing team leader chooses 2 team members to return with him to the command tent, where one is fired, literally, with a 9mm Browning.
Each week a different regiment/trade or other unit is given the task of painting the Boathouse for THEM.. If THEY don't like the colour scheme, the painters are hunted down and eliminated...

Reality TV variation on GI Jane/Private Benjamin and other such films. A group of hot porn starlets are put through basic... naked..lots of shopts of them sliding on greased poles, crawling through mud, scampering through ' scenic' woods and streams, then rolling about ' exhausted' in their cots at night, consoling each other and rubbing ointments on each others' wounds '...

ooh.... got to go, ..sorry...


Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Time Team; a team of archeaol.........archych.....arcky.....people who dig holes in the ground search for the last time the MoD had an original idea.

Whose Line is it anyway?; members of the government front benches have 4 minutes each to improvise a speech, but this time they have to be honest! No winners from last 6 series yet.
ARRSE Wife Swap - Take one Private Soldier and his wife, swap the partner with that of a very high ranking officer, results will be hilarious, as Gen Whatever takes slapper to Orifices Mess Christmas bash where she proceeds to empty the punch bowl in a one-r, puke at the table and then get caught in the bogs with the DJ.

Meanwhile, Squaddy takes Posh wifey to NAAFI bop, gets her legless on WKD then back to the block with 3 mates to video the lot on his Mobile Phone, which he will then no doubt send around the Regiment.

Fun for all!
Grand Designs - Each week someone at MOD Procurement visits a two bit outfit who are attempting to design and build something of use to HM Forces. Week after week we will see the efforts go WAAAAAAY over budget, with more and mroe bolt on ideas that make the project completely unworkable.

At the end of the programme the Procurement guy will hand ober a cheque for twice what is asked for, quietly get a partnership on the firm and the guys on the ground will spend the next 15 years using crap.

On a roll now, do I get the job of Director of Programming?
Rocketeer said:
Reality TV variation on GI Jane/Private Benjamin and other such films. A group of hot porn starlets are put through basic... naked..lots of shopts of them sliding on greased poles, crawling through mud, scampering through ' scenic' woods and streams, then rolling about ' exhausted' in their cots at night, consoling each other and rubbing ointments on each others' wounds '...
I actually pitched something quite similar- New Model Army- sort of America's Next Top Model meets Bad Lad's Army - wherein lithe young fashion models have to do (a TV-ised form of) basic with the RLC in Deepcut.

Taken along to castings in a 4-tonner, cooking their lunches on hexy burners in Soho Square, competing in challenges (drill, assault courses etc) to either a) get 48hrs weekend leave in a central london hotel, all expenses paid or b) peel spuds and scrub floors all weekend.

Plenty of raftings by toms likely, though it would also introduce anorexic whippets to healthy diets, discipline, phys etc.

It got turned down. Ho hum.


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Reviews Editor
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps; a retrospective look at the WRAC in it's heyday.

Casualty; an in-depth examination of the governments economic policy.

The Antiques Road Show; the work of the Defence Procurement Agency.

Points of View; a program devoted to film of women in tight sweaters in the winter.


Book Reviewer
Last Politician Standing

You get a bunch of politicians in a group, send them to different countries around the world and get them to enter tribal hard-man competitions.

Net result, they get beaten to fcuk in every country they visit, much to the delectation and delight of the viewers in the UK.


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Reviews Editor
Or; Last Man Standing. The entire government parade on Horseguards, while a gpmg section try to catch them before they can make the second lap.

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