Aaaaaaargh, Bloody kids!

TheresaMay

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
#1
When they're babies they wait for you to take the nappy off to piss on you and wait until you try to burp them to throw up on you...

When they're toddlers they'll blissfully ignore all those colourful stimulating toys you bought them in order to play with your boring black mobile phone, managing to lock the screen and change the language to Arabic...

When they're in primary school they'll pick up nits, bad habits and every childhood illness known to man from other kids...

When they're in secondary school they'll learn to swear, lie and cheat.

Oh but when they leave school... that's where the fun begins.

So I'm cooking late on Thurs evening as I have guests inbound x3

They're already running late because her daughter's boyfriend has got lost in his home town and I'm carefully trying to time everything in the oven so it doesn't come out like mush. In between the text updates, I've now got my daughter in full panic because she's just realised the time we're planning to hit Reading next Friday means she'll most likely miss one... Yes ONE... of the first acts due on stage for the Festival. Disaster.

It's OK, she says. She'll just get a train ticket to arrive early and I'll drive ahead later. It's only £27. But what will her mum say? Texts go back and forth, check oven, check arrival times, check oven, beep beep, beep beep (shit ring tones I have). Eventually though after a big old argument with her old dear, everyone's finally happy she's heading back a little early so she doesn't miss the start.

Today I sends her a text - "You get my tickets for this Friday?"
Her "Oh I got yours, but I haven't got mine yet..."
Me "WTF?"

So.... she was that worried about missing the start of Reading Festival, messing her mum around and me even further Thurs night, that 5 days later she hasn't bothered getting the train ticket that she said she was going to get "there and then".

How the hell do teenagers remember to breathe in and out? Given everything else seems to "slip their mind" and is added to the ever-growing list of "stuff they didn't get around to"...?
I'm told this is most teenagers, apparently.

Obviously I love her more than life itself, but for my own sanity, please share your stories of what utter bastards they can be...
 
#3
The by far stupidest thing my daughter did when she was young, was to let a raccoon into the house because she thought it was cute........It was her mums problem to clean the place up, but the burden fell upon me to remove what she had named Pamela. I would have preferred to do the cleanup because Pamela was not very cooperative....
 
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Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
#4
Had a sleepover !!
9 14 year old girls high on sweets and lack of sleep decide to start kickboxing at 3 am
I am not very good at kickboxing
I am very good at being kicked in the balls and scratched when I tried to break it up
that didnt work
so a bucket of water was propelled through the open door
much screaming
all united and together again
I am cunt of cunt hall
 
#5
Had a sleepover !!
9 14 year old girls high on sweets and lack of sleep decide to start kickboxing at 3 am
I am not very good at kickboxing
I am very good at being kicked in the balls and scratched when I tried to break it up
that didnt work
so a bucket of water was propelled through the open door
much screaming
all united and together again
I am **** of **** hall
I always hated sleepovers when they got older, younger ones could be bribed to keep quiet, older not so much.
 
#6
I didn't actually want kids although I did want to practice making them. My then wife's young son from her first marriage was quite sufficient as far as I was concerned. Her increasing disquiet at my lack of interest in actually siring, rather than just conducting live fire drills, eventually led to me relaxing my attitude, so to speak, and her becoming pregnant. Since it was happening anyway I approached fatherhood with enthusiasm. To my surprise I found it to be a wholly positive, rich and rewarding (if costly and tiring) experience and this has been consistent until now (both my sons are in their 20's and after conscript service). The only thing that ever really bothered me is when they would get into bickering mode but there were no real dramas really. I look on them as mates as well as my kids and this seems to be reciprocated. So overall, I discovered it doesn't necessarily have to be bad.....
I did hate having to go to their schools though - it just reminded me of how much I disliked mine.
 
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#7
When they're babies they wait for you to take the nappy off to piss on you and wait until you try to burp them to throw up on you...

When they're toddlers they'll blissfully ignore all those colourful stimulating toys you bought them in order to play with your boring black mobile phone, managing to lock the screen and change the language to Arabic...

When they're in primary school they'll pick up nits, bad habits and every childhood illness known to man from other kids...

When they're in secondary school they'll learn to swear, lie and cheat.

Oh but when they leave school... that's where the fun begins.

So I'm cooking late on Thurs evening as I have guests inbound x3

They're already running late because her daughter's boyfriend has got lost in his home town and I'm carefully trying to time everything in the oven so it doesn't come out like mush. In between the text updates, I've now got my daughter in full panic because she's just realised the time we're planning to hit Reading next Friday means she'll most likely miss one... Yes ONE... of the first acts due on stage for the Festival. Disaster.

It's OK, she says. She'll just get a train ticket to arrive early and I'll drive ahead later. It's only £27. But what will her mum say? Texts go back and forth, check oven, check arrival times, check oven, beep beep, beep beep (shit ring tones I have). Eventually though after a big old argument with her old dear, everyone's finally happy she's heading back a little early so she doesn't miss the start.

Today I sends her a text - "You get my tickets for this Friday?"
Her "Oh I got yours, but I haven't got mine yet..."
Me "WTF?"

So.... she was that worried about missing the start of Reading Festival, messing her mum around and me even further Thurs night, that 5 days later she hasn't bothered getting the train ticket that she said she was going to get "there and then".

How the hell do teenagers remember to breathe in and out? Given everything else seems to "slip their mind" and is added to the ever-growing list of "stuff they didn't get around to"...?
I'm told this is most teenagers, apparently.

Obviously I love her more than life itself, but for my own sanity, please share your stories of what utter bastards they can be...
I've been through all that but it's funny how quickly all all went past. It hardly seemed like anytime from my eldest wanting to be carried everywhere on my shoulders to me trying to pay her taxi at 4am while holding her hair as she was sick out of the door.
 
#8
Had a sleepover !!
9 14 year old girls high on sweets and lack of sleep decide to start kickboxing at 3 am
I am not very good at kickboxing
I am very good at being kicked in the balls and scratched when I tried to break it up
that didnt work
so a bucket of water was propelled through the open door
much screaming
all united and together again
I am **** of **** hall
I bet you are on the Op Yewtree radar
 
#9
They don't get any better. Middle son (28) and his missus were off to the state's a few weeks back. We looked after the grandson . So I rang them about an hour before take off, assuming they'd be in the departure lounge. Nope. They were in the taxi, thinking they didn't have to get there that early. Imagine their surprise when they missed the flight and had to get a later one. Generation snowflake. I despair.
 
#10
Rainman2 has just finished college and turned 18. A very intelligent software developer, but stoopid, as most 18 yo are.

He has been looking for work and is in the process of applying for Universal Credit, while I have spent the last month gently reminding him that everyone in the family contributes, including his older brother, through his disability payments.

Friday morning, just as I'm about to leave for work, I'm told that he is self employed! He has signed up for some website, offering his video editing services for about £15 per hour. He hasn't got any work yet.

BUT ...

He has already informed HMRC and the dole office of his new career.

Friday night was a bit tense as I talked and he listened. Mind you, I did have some video editing to do...
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
#12
Rainman2 has just finished college and turned 18. A very intelligent software developer, but stoopid, as most 18 yo are.

He has been looking for work and is in the process of applying for Universal Credit, while I have spent the last month gently reminding him that everyone in the family contributes, including his older brother, through his disability payments.

Friday morning, just as I'm about to leave for work, I'm told that he is self employed! He has signed up for some website, offering his video editing services for about £15 per hour. He hasn't got any work yet.

BUT ...

He has already informed HMRC and the dole office of his new career.

Friday night was a bit tense as I talked and he listened. Mind you, I did have some video editing to do...
how much did he have to pay to join this site ?
 
#15
No2 son, the petrol head, decides without consulting anyone, to invite other petrol heads to view his hand made 2.5 Ltr super go faster nutter bastard prat mobile, now sitting on our drive. Its Sunday, in a semi-rural backwater of nowhere, and up rocks a dozen high powered mega noisy prat mobiles, with accompanying chav totty, Its a scene from hell, all bonnets up, music systems at full chat. I had to stop it, as it was getting out of control, and eventually they all pissed off. Son was not best pleased, tough, my gaff, my rules. This was a good few years ago. he now works for the Red bull racing team, making and maintaining formula 1 racing cars, and to my great shame, drives a soup'd up diesel A4 Audi 4+4.
Of course he does
 

TheresaMay

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
#17
Although I was livid and spitting feathers at the time, one of my all time favourite "teenage troubles" moments came last summer when instead of just feeding her, I stupidly asked my daughter what she fancied for dinner...

"Oooo I'm really feeling an XL portion of cod from that lush chippy in Needham you know?"

Great idea. It's about a 6 mile drive but their chicken strips are just off the fucking chart. It also gives me an excuse to give the Renault 4 a bit of a leg stretch too, so off we go...

On arrival, she starts eyeing up the menu. No pictures, just words. I'm like "what are you doing?"

Her, "Oh, I'm now thinking the chicken looks good..."

Me, "But it's in words...?"

In the end I suggest we order what we came for and split the fish and chicken up when it's cooked, have a bit of each. Ideal right?

We take our seats, they put this giant piece of battered cod-on-fucking-steroids on my table, the 10 chicken strips on hers. I carefully dissect the cod down the middle and go to hand her the "bigger half" (don't want any arguments now, do we?)

She leaps over her plate, protecting it from all angles and goes "no no no no.... I don't want any fish!"

Don't want any what the fuck you just say?

Great.

I'm now sat trying to demolish a fucking blue whale on the biggest pile of chips, while she's there troughing her way through my fucking delicious chicken strips, thinking there's something very wrong about all of this.

Oh it gets worse though.

I finally finish the last bit of fish, skin & batter aside. I've eaten about 3 chips and I'm one "waffer thin" mint away from exploding. I look over at her - she's decided to eat the chips first and is on her 3rd of 10 pieces of chicken doing that eye-rolly thing teenagers do when you've just asked them to take their plate out or put a fucking new toilet roll on the holder. Oh dear...

"I can't eat any more Dad, do you want mine?"

"Yours? YOURS?", "No I'm stuffed, thanks sweetheart... Just shove them in the bin over there"

Her, "oh but I feel guilty cos you've just spent all that money"

Honestly... Oh but it gets worse.

Fuming, we drive home. Cramped up to fuck in my Renault, wanting the pain to just go away in one giant burp. We get home and I lie flat on the floor, stretched right out, feeling like I won't need to eat for at least another week...

About half an hour later, she comes down from her room (to take a break from texting, of course), straight into the fridge and helps herself to a bag of Fridge Raiders, a packet of King Prawn Sizzler McCoys, two cheese strings, a yoghurt and a glass of orange juice and fucks off back upstairs.
 
#18
Although I was livid and spitting feathers at the time, one of my all time favourite "teenage troubles" moments came last summer when instead of just feeding her, I stupidly asked my daughter what she fancied for dinner...

"Oooo I'm really feeling an XL portion of cod from that lush chippy in Needham you know?"

Great idea. It's about a 6 mile drive but their chicken strips are just off the ******* chart. It also gives me an excuse to give the Renault 4 a bit of a leg stretch too, so off we go...

On arrival, she starts eyeing up the menu. No pictures, just words. I'm like "what are you doing?"

Her, "Oh, I'm now thinking the chicken looks good..."

Me, "But it's in words...?"

In the end I suggest we order what we came for and split the fish and chicken up when it's cooked, have a bit of each. Ideal right?

We take our seats, they put this giant piece of battered cod-on-*******-steroids on my table, the 10 chicken strips on hers. I carefully dissect the cod down the middle and go to hand her the "bigger half" (don't want any arguments now, do we?)

She leaps over her plate, protecting it from all angles and goes "no no no no.... I don't want any fish!"

Don't want any what the **** you just say?

Great.

I'm now sat trying to demolish a ******* blue whale on the biggest pile of chips, while she's there troughing her way through my ******* delicious chicken strips, thinking there's something very wrong about all of this.

Oh it gets worse though.

I finally finish the last bit of fish, skin & batter aside. I've eaten about 3 chips and I'm one "waffer thin" mint away from exploding. I look over at her - she's decided to eat the chips first and is on her 3rd of 10 pieces of chicken doing that eye-rolly thing teenagers do when you've just asked them to take their plate out or put a ******* new toilet roll on the holder. Oh dear...

"I can't eat any more Dad, do you want mine?"

"Yours? YOURS?", "No I'm stuffed, thanks sweetheart... Just shove them in the bin over there"

Her, "oh but I feel guilty cos you've just spent all that money"

Honestly... Oh but it gets worse.

Fuming, we drive home. Cramped up to **** in my Renault, wanting the pain to just go away in one giant burp. We get home and I lie flat on the floor, stretched right out, feeling like I won't need to eat for at least another week...

About half an hour later, she comes down from her room (to take a break from texting, of course), straight into the fridge and helps herself to a bag of Fridge Raiders, a packet of King Prawn Sizzler McCoys, two cheese strings, a yoghurt and a glass of orange juice and fucks off back upstairs.
As my OC in the reserves would say "problems of the well to do"........

Do you really have a Renault 4? Do you keep it for its cross country capability?
 
#19
Just found a two inch long, end of a salami in the food bin. Asked number 2 boy (doing a MSc in Sheffield)-
" Did you just open the new salami and throw that big end piece away?"
" yeah, I didn't think you could eat the 'end' bits"
 
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Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#20
I have too many options to post on this thread! I shall have to think carefully,
 

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