Pacifist_Jihadist
Old Salt
[FONT="]As I sit here mounted atop an ice pack I try to write this tale before my quivering hands finally fail on me.[/FONT]
[FONT="]For the past few days I have had stomach pains, at first simply put down to an All Bran Slug making its presence known as it makes its way slowly out. But I was to be very wrong. At first it was a mere discomfort but that soon rose to become sharp sporadic pain sometimes wincing obviously to others, pulled muscle from too many crunches I gloat to them. At times I wondered just how a tricky turd could cause such grief, is it even a turd, did a passing veterinarian with a penchant for ******* cows leave his watch up there after finding me in a mess at my front door after the weekends pub crawl? As much as the pain was annoying it was slowly making its way across my lower abdomen left and right closer to its destination and freedom, with freedom arriving tonight.[/FONT]
[FONT="] With its approach to my delicate rose being announced I made my way to the porcelain throne to finally get rid of the bugger. As I sat with newspaper in hand I push, nothing, so I push again to still nothing. A fussy one eh, cold outside is it, dont get comfy! I rise slightly and pull the cheeks apart for extra leverage and sit down again to start squeezing. The squeezing hastily stops as a tear trickles down my face, what can best be described as a barb has exited and firmly clamped itself to the outside of my ring, this is no ordinary All Bran Slug. Grabbing an empty loo roll and folding it down i clamp my teeth on it and start squeezing my unwelcome guest out. As each new row of barbs exited and impaled themselves on my hoop, another row slid over my prostate I was in waves of agony and ecstasy that a masochist would pay obscene money for. As it finally became fully airborne I slumped off the toilet with tears streaming. My face pressed against the lino and rear high trying to come to terms with what has just happened as I listen to the gentle breeze of air flowing to fill the void that is now my rectum. The cooling effect of the breeze on my shredded flesh was a blessing.[/FONT]
[FONT="]After a while I finally worked up the strength in my legs to right myself and a tad longer to summon the courage to unsteadily pear over the crest of the bowl, what I found was startling[/FONT][FONT="], lesser turds must have passed it in the pipe with backs to the wall to inch past and averting their gaze.[/FONT][FONT="] If you were to see this object nestled in long grass you probably think it a stray hedgehog, or even a bizarre pine cone worthy of a place on your mantle piece as the first member of the old codgers random tat collection. But to look further you would recoil at the realisation of its true horror. This indeed did start life as an All Bran Slug however it had mutated inside me like a bizarre horror movie baby. With this the flash backs of the weekend struck me, the local munter on one arm and a bottle of Newcastles finest in the other and then the flood of nuts to try to sober up before I become paralytic fair game for her and the handcuffs undoubtedly dangling from her bed posts. The undigested nuts had merged with the morning afters all bran forming a disfigured mass with bulges on top of bulges with nuts spiking out the peaks but slicked back for maximum intestinal glide and hoop shredding. All this was then steeled into a solid rod by the Brown Ale to ensure it could not be crimped off into manageable chunks but the full length and girth had to be enjoyed while birthing it into existence. [/FONT]
[FONT="]A lesson has been learned. It is for your own safety to have a morning after greasy fry up to soak up the drink and thoroughly lubricate the passage, else this could happen to you.[/FONT]
[FONT="]For the past few days I have had stomach pains, at first simply put down to an All Bran Slug making its presence known as it makes its way slowly out. But I was to be very wrong. At first it was a mere discomfort but that soon rose to become sharp sporadic pain sometimes wincing obviously to others, pulled muscle from too many crunches I gloat to them. At times I wondered just how a tricky turd could cause such grief, is it even a turd, did a passing veterinarian with a penchant for ******* cows leave his watch up there after finding me in a mess at my front door after the weekends pub crawl? As much as the pain was annoying it was slowly making its way across my lower abdomen left and right closer to its destination and freedom, with freedom arriving tonight.[/FONT]
[FONT="] With its approach to my delicate rose being announced I made my way to the porcelain throne to finally get rid of the bugger. As I sat with newspaper in hand I push, nothing, so I push again to still nothing. A fussy one eh, cold outside is it, dont get comfy! I rise slightly and pull the cheeks apart for extra leverage and sit down again to start squeezing. The squeezing hastily stops as a tear trickles down my face, what can best be described as a barb has exited and firmly clamped itself to the outside of my ring, this is no ordinary All Bran Slug. Grabbing an empty loo roll and folding it down i clamp my teeth on it and start squeezing my unwelcome guest out. As each new row of barbs exited and impaled themselves on my hoop, another row slid over my prostate I was in waves of agony and ecstasy that a masochist would pay obscene money for. As it finally became fully airborne I slumped off the toilet with tears streaming. My face pressed against the lino and rear high trying to come to terms with what has just happened as I listen to the gentle breeze of air flowing to fill the void that is now my rectum. The cooling effect of the breeze on my shredded flesh was a blessing.[/FONT]
[FONT="]After a while I finally worked up the strength in my legs to right myself and a tad longer to summon the courage to unsteadily pear over the crest of the bowl, what I found was startling[/FONT][FONT="], lesser turds must have passed it in the pipe with backs to the wall to inch past and averting their gaze.[/FONT][FONT="] If you were to see this object nestled in long grass you probably think it a stray hedgehog, or even a bizarre pine cone worthy of a place on your mantle piece as the first member of the old codgers random tat collection. But to look further you would recoil at the realisation of its true horror. This indeed did start life as an All Bran Slug however it had mutated inside me like a bizarre horror movie baby. With this the flash backs of the weekend struck me, the local munter on one arm and a bottle of Newcastles finest in the other and then the flood of nuts to try to sober up before I become paralytic fair game for her and the handcuffs undoubtedly dangling from her bed posts. The undigested nuts had merged with the morning afters all bran forming a disfigured mass with bulges on top of bulges with nuts spiking out the peaks but slicked back for maximum intestinal glide and hoop shredding. All this was then steeled into a solid rod by the Brown Ale to ensure it could not be crimped off into manageable chunks but the full length and girth had to be enjoyed while birthing it into existence. [/FONT]
[FONT="]A lesson has been learned. It is for your own safety to have a morning after greasy fry up to soak up the drink and thoroughly lubricate the passage, else this could happen to you.[/FONT]