A Walting dilemma.

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Gobbly wobbly, Mar 8, 2013.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. There is a Walt at work who has been a long time minor irritant to me. A few years ago he was a stab (like me) who claims to have been a medic with his local unit. He has always been a billy bullshitter, no one has ever believed a word he said. His stories are so tall as to be a hazard to low flying aircraft.

    Prior to the advent of hot desking he had desk photos of himself and others standing in front of a lynx. No problem with that except for the black nasty on every face except his own. Apparently he had to do the black nasty thing because the other people are "still on ops." He has another one of himself standing with two Gurkhas, holding weapons in front of a landrover . I asked him one day where that one was taken "China, on a mission" was the reply. "Why do the weapons have BFAs attached then" I asked?" Not BFAs" was the reply, "can't tell you what they really are."

    His weekend missions to afghanistan are legendary. The high speed driving where they play tricks on their mates by throwing sweets out of the back of the landrover for the kids knowing that their mates in the second landrover are only a few seconds behind and bound to run over a couple are a particular favourite of mine. Apparently the sas, sbs,guards, paras, marines and various recce platoons won't do, when the shit hits the fan what the British Army really needs is a 40 year old fat bloke from shropshire.

    About three weeks ago i was queuing for lunch in a cafe with several colleagues when in he walked. He said hello and asked if I was still in(something he does every time we meet). The answer is still no. He then offered me trip to Afghanistan (as per usual) but has now offered to take on his new special mission to recover downed UVAs. "Do you mean UAVs?" I replied. Oops slip of the tongue, of course he meant UAVs. So I asked what does UAV stand for again. Couldn't remember, do I want to go or not? "Didn't I read somewhere that they're stuffed full of PE4 and explode on impact?" Not the ones he was specially trained to rescue. Why not just bomb the shit out of them when they crash then? Silence, a little bit of hard thinking and then a mutters reply " too top secret" at this time my colleagues are laughing and he retreats with a red face. Since then he has been waiting until the office is full and pretending to phone RAF Shawbury. The conversation apparently goes

    "is that RAF Shawbury?" (So everyone knows who he's phoning)

    This is Captain Lying B'stard(lancejack at best i reckon) can I land my apache helicopter at your airbase on Tuesday night?"

    "I can, good, I'm going to need 4 bunks in the secure accomodation and can you warn your staff not to Ask any questions."

    Apparently the staff sitting nearest to him say that there does appear to be someone on the other end of the phone. Who he's convinced to take the call is beyond me.

    He's going through a bad time, his third wife has finally thrown him out. I think this has finally pushed him over the edge. I think he has finally flipped and is now living in his own fantasy land. An appearance at a cenotaph with a sandy beret and a double row of chocolate medals can't be far away. The UAV thing is his only topic of conversation. His low level bullshittery has ramped up to almost record levels.

    My question is did my reasonably mild public mockery combined with the other crap going on in his life push him over the edge? Am I going to have to check under my car for an IED made out of playdoh and an alarm clock? When the rust bucket 12 year old convertible Mercedes he's bought fails it's mot (and it will) am I going to feel awfully guilty when he throws himself off a bridge in his newly purchased MTP kit? Do I need to worry that his ugly kids won't have father figure? It's an awful dilemma for me, one I feel that I can't leave to the harsh justice of the waltenkommando. Does anyone have any advice?
  2. You're really interesting.
  3. Thank you. I aim to please.
  4. He's a pretty cr@p walt if he only wants to go to Shawbury. Persoanlly I'd choose Hereford or Poole any day.
  5. Having been to both......I'd recommend RPB. There are far better bars nearby.
  6. sirbhp

    sirbhp LE Book Reviewer

    have you thought of putting his stapler in a jelly?
    • Like Like x 8
  7. It all went wrong when you said RAF.
  8. Suggest to him that you go and do an Ironman or half marathon or something for a military charity...unless you're a bit fat now as well!


    • Like Like x 1
  9. When you mock somebody weak in order to feel big, impress your mates and fit in, it's called bullying.

    If the bloke's going through a hard time and his stories make him happy, leave him alone.

    I hope when he does crack, he fucks you death wearing a customised ghillie suit. You gutless invertebrate.
    • Like Like x 4
  10. Just lost 6 kilo on a strict regime of diet and exercise thanks very much.
  11. Is he from Hull and called Mark?
  12. I reckon either he - or you - have been reading WWC.