A Terrible Experience At The Hands of Global Terrorism

#1
This is it. This means war. Al-Qa'ida have finally achieved the Acme of Villainy.

Scenario: Due to their bomb antics, EFP was prevented from leaving the metropolis as usual on Thursday and had to walk miles back to an alternate (=bird's) HQ. On arrival, sweating, knackered but undaunted, decision was taken to order a curry. Thus supporting moderate forces in the Muslim community and permitting me to eat my dinner in front of the telly and cleanse the guts in the process. Naturally enough, plenty of terrorism-strength lager was consumed along with the lamb jalfrezi.

Next morning, Defying The Terrorists back at work...I noticed an unpleasant sensation in the gut, but not the usual post-curry sensation of a pebbledasher building up pressure. More a sort of spiky...sticking..thorny and deeply unpleasant feeling similar to a Spinifex spike in one's boot. Hmm, I thought, a quick Morning Fart and 'twill pass. QUAARK! Pressure drop, but there is still something distinctly abnormal going on.

By the time I reach time for the post-curry shite, there is a very noticeable pain - strangely enough, in the arse, and for once it's neither the boss nor the Tube that's responsible. I sidle across the office...trying not to move the cheeks too much..past pretty blonde bird, hope she doesn't notice curry fart or Michael Jackson-in-the-creche moonwalk. Finally, I arrive in the security of the crapper. One push and - no! - there is obviously something *sharp* working its way out. A cautious recce...indeed, flat, about as resilient as a lawyer's business card, sharp edges.....I get a grip, which is tough because it's literally covered in shit, and extract A WHOLE DRIED BAY LEAF. The shite was normal from there on in, but the experience..standing there holding a shit-coated stale bayleaf I'd just produced from my arse like a rabbit from a hat...I'd managed to achieve a bizarre anal insertion BY MOUTH, the long way round, without even noticing it.

I blame Al-Qa'ida. Bomb Riyadh!
 
#2
A two minute silence will be held in my block tonight in sympathy and memory of your now badly damaged Ring piece.
 
#4
Should have gone to the Shamrat EFP!
 
#6
What the silence or the ring piece?
 
#8
Gunny Highway said:
Is this a trick question?
Tricky one that, Gunny..could be....could be...best get them wagons in a circle, have them shootin' irons handy....tricky them dang injuns...
 
#10
I've discovered a link between:

(A) The shadowy Islamist terrorist organisation called Al'Quaeda

- and -

(B) My local curry house

The answer?

Hyperbole. I shall elaborate.

Here is a quote from an allegedly AQ-afiliated website about Thursday's bombings:

"Britain is now burning with fear, terror and panic in its northern, southern, eastern, and western quarters".
This is of course bullshite. They fcuked up the Tube for 24 hours, London sucked it up, gave them the finger, had a cup of tea and got on with it.

And here is a quote from the takeaway menu for my local curry house:

"Our most special chicken murgh massalla is our chef's speciality and is made from the most choicest poultry delicately spiced and fragranced with the most exotic flavours...(etc)
This is also bullshite. It is in fact a stringy old bird dunked in Patak's and a bit of ghee, as well as a bayleaf that will emerge from your hoop like a ragged tinfoil ashtray.

Now I'm not suggesting that the staff of the Star of India are in any way connected to terrorism (they are smashing, actually, and do a 10% discount on takeaway if you collect), but I do wonder about the bloke who writes the menus.

V!
 
#11
Gunny Highway said:
Injuns, injuns!!! WHERE?? WHERE?? RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
Running away Boss running away..........er... where shall I run away to ?
 

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