This is it. This means war. Al-Qa'ida have finally achieved the Acme of Villainy. Scenario: Due to their bomb antics, EFP was prevented from leaving the metropolis as usual on Thursday and had to walk miles back to an alternate (=bird's) HQ. On arrival, sweating, knackered but undaunted, decision was taken to order a curry. Thus supporting moderate forces in the Muslim community and permitting me to eat my dinner in front of the telly and cleanse the guts in the process. Naturally enough, plenty of terrorism-strength lager was consumed along with the lamb jalfrezi. Next morning, Defying The Terrorists back at work...I noticed an unpleasant sensation in the gut, but not the usual post-curry sensation of a pebbledasher building up pressure. More a sort of spiky...sticking..thorny and deeply unpleasant feeling similar to a Spinifex spike in one's boot. Hmm, I thought, a quick Morning Fart and 'twill pass. QUAARK! Pressure drop, but there is still something distinctly abnormal going on. By the time I reach time for the post-curry shite, there is a very noticeable pain - strangely enough, in the arse, and for once it's neither the boss nor the Tube that's responsible. I sidle across the office...trying not to move the cheeks too much..past pretty blonde bird, hope she doesn't notice curry fart or Michael Jackson-in-the-creche moonwalk. Finally, I arrive in the security of the crapper. One push and - no! - there is obviously something *sharp* working its way out. A cautious recce...indeed, flat, about as resilient as a lawyer's business card, sharp edges.....I get a grip, which is tough because it's literally covered in shit, and extract A WHOLE DRIED BAY LEAF. The shite was normal from there on in, but the experience..standing there holding a shit-coated stale bayleaf I'd just produced from my arse like a rabbit from a hat...I'd managed to achieve a bizarre anal insertion BY MOUTH, the long way round, without even noticing it. I blame Al-Qa'ida. Bomb Riyadh!