A summary of non-inter-operability!

Apologies if it's been done before.

Snake Tactics

1. Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly
leaves area, travelling upwind.

2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on
primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5. Royal Marine Commando: Takes photos of snake, plays with snake, gives
snake a name, introduces snake to other animals and insects for the purposes
gambling on the outcome. Gets smashed with snake.
Eats snake.

6. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing
snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility
assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by
infantry and drowns.

7. Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree
blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared
successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office
directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and
mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim.
Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

9. Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table.
Dissects snake.

10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake
killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake

11. TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20
Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies
in at 20,000 feet, can't find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home.
Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

13. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity
as low. Dies of snake-bite.

14. Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson
Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I
staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service
messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service
steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration
packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not
know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched
featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers
keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in
Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.
Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and
sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer
ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be
supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet
the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the
aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds
over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the
USA for billion.

16. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female,
homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

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