A summary of non-inter-operability!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Shorty, Mar 14, 2005.

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  1. Apologies if it's been done before.

    Snake Tactics

    1. Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly
    leaves area, travelling upwind.

    2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on
    primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    5. Royal Marine Commando: Takes photos of snake, plays with snake, gives
    snake a name, introduces snake to other animals and insects for the purposes
    gambling on the outcome. Gets smashed with snake.
    Eats snake.

    6. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing
    snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility
    assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by
    infantry and drowns.

    7. Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree
    blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared
    successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office
    directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and
    mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim.
    Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

    9. Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table.
    Dissects snake.

    10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake
    killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how
    Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake

    11. TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20
    Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies
    in at 20,000 feet, can't find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home.
    Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    13. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
    snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity
    as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    14. Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson
    Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I
    staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
    Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service
    messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service
    steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration
    packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not
    know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched
    featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers
    keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in
    Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.
    Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and
    sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer
    ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be
    supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet
    the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the
    aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds
    over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the
    USA for billion.

    16. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female,
    homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.