A salty feast

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Oct 1, 2011.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Picture the scene:

    Late evening, very humid, stinking hot part of Spain last night, without female company for a couple of days, returned to the pad slighty pissed but not slaughtered, heat stopping me from sleeping decided to have a swift one off the wrist and treat myself to a jodrell bank.

    It was bloody hard work, the champ just didn't want to know and kept going floppy and limp on me. I flicked the laptop on, referred to some booby sites and set about my fleshy combat staff once more.

    I do recall shooting my bolt and blowing my beans but very very little after. I don't remember mopping up so must have passed out, windows open, french doors ajar and knocked out some zzzzzs.

    My next recollection is being awoken by what I thought was someone licking my knobend....... obviously I savoured the moment and in a semi conscious state lay there enjoying the sensation. Then, whilst coming to terms with the reality that Mrs Porridge wasn't around and that my last memory from the night before was setting free my seed, I wondered who the fuck was chewing my penis.

    As my eyes opened and the sunlight shone through, I looked down and sat on top of my fully blooded erect glue gun were about 40 enormous flies, It looked like a Fab lolly, but instead of hundreds n thousands I had winged beasts moving over my most special part, clearly I let out a gay yelp as I thought they were eating my helmet, and had visions of being left with a half scale stump without a bulb. It took a while to dawn on me that they had been drawn to the salty residue left over from my evening of self love. The fuckers were everywhere, angry at being disturbed but it amused me that they were full of my bionic paste. Chuckling at the thought of rewriting Geoff Goldblums movie 'The fly' to feature cum soaked bluebottles I drifted back to sleep safe in the knowledge that my cock hadn't been scoffed and the kind flies had cleaned me up.

    Has anyone else woken up to find their genitalia being eaten by insects?
    • Like Like x 6
  2. Which makes it a total waste of time quoting "There,s no flies on you mate", dont it.
  3. Have you thought of washing your knob more than once a year?
  4. "40 enormous flies"? One bored but hungry bluebottle perhaps ... Half inch and a wrinkle indeed ...
  5. No flies on me knob but plenty of rats and dogs.
  6. I got Crabs from a Bavarian lass on Snow Queen. Her parents owned a pet shop in Kempten; I was never sure if I owed her anything for them.

    Anyway, she moved on to the hut chef; I suppose he sorted the bill, I never asked.
  7. I have been following your threads with usually tears running down my face or my legs crossed to protect my own tadger. The question must be asked "What the hell is wrong with you". If your not nuking your Tender Tessies shitting on your own bollocks or lagging alles uber der platz with your Unzeroed Penis You seem to be shitting all over the place scaring Mrs Porridge and the little Porridge lumps ruining your Blackberry in the process with your Inner Rumblings. Now we find you feeding your man fat and helmet to foreign insects. I cant wait to red the next instalment when you get back of your jollies when I can imagine the thread ........MAGGOTS IN MY BELL END....... Keep em coming (Pardon the pun)
  8. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Ive written here before about animal experiences, but I'll repeat.

    The cold nose and long reaching tongue of a German Shepherd is a tale Ive told a few times here but the memories it brings back has just made my widgy go big in my pants.
  9. Could have been worse, could have been mice eating the Gorgonzola round your bell end.
  10. There's nowt like a cocker spaniel licking your bum hole though, or eating your own vomit.

    I might go to bed naked tonight, just for shits and giggles.
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Are shits and giggles the names of your dogs ?
    • Like Like x 5
  12. I've got Bovril.

    Everyone's a winner.

    Take his name Mr Seagull.
  13. No but i was rudely interrupted mid shank by an angry wasp, I was lost in the moment stretched out on a pile of empty sandbags in the back of a 4 tonner at NSG when the three inch long beast went fucking berserk around my sizeable appendage, true to form I squealed like a girl and leapt from the tailgate to a resounding cheer.

    I recovered my manliness that evening by drinking my own weight in Smirnoff, double bagging and then sodomising a tired looking coon for the equivalent of a couple of quid.
  14. Crabs, lice, centipedes, spiders, even a fucking grasshopper.
  15. HHH

    HHH LE

    You're not meant to have a wank in the insect house in the Zoo !!