A friend of mine recently got home on r'n'r from the sunny Middle East and was gratified to discover that his girlfriend had decided to set up a surprise party for him at his flat: a few friends, including me and the lovely Mrs cpunk, a little wine and a light supper. For reasons that will become apparent, she asked us all to make our excuses and leave fairly early, which we dutifully did. The main reason for this is that she had in mind a 'main event' consisting of just the two of them. As reported to me, this meant that shortly after we'd all left, she opened another bottle of champagne and slipped out of her little black dress to reveal that she had invested a few quid at Agent Provocateur. All was going smoothly until our brave hero found himself becoming overwhelmed by fatigue and what his girlfriend had thought was a full-on Jenna Jameson oral extravaganza was rudely interrupted by some fairly loud snores from the recipient. At this point she broke off from her labours, tw@ted him round the side of the head (blacking his eye ) and went home; she has more or less refused to talk to him since. Leaving aside the unrealistic expectations of the heroine of the piece, it occurs to me that returning conquering heroes need some form of protection or 'get out of jail free' card for this kind of scenario. Generous as it was of her to make the effort, he was never going to be able to respond as hoped and it seems to me that the MOD should issue some form of guidance - perhaps like the little plastic 'compassionate' cards they give out - detailing the level of sexual response that is possible during R and R, especially when alcohol has been in limited supply in the operational theatre. Does anyone have any advice or similar situations they might care to relate?