A Question of Etiquette


A friend of mine recently got home on r'n'r from the sunny Middle East and was gratified to discover that his girlfriend had decided to set up a surprise party for him at his flat: a few friends, including me and the lovely Mrs cpunk, a little wine and a light supper. For reasons that will become apparent, she asked us all to make our excuses and leave fairly early, which we dutifully did.

The main reason for this is that she had in mind a 'main event' consisting of just the two of them. As reported to me, this meant that shortly after we'd all left, she opened another bottle of champagne and slipped out of her little black dress to reveal that she had invested a few quid at Agent Provocateur. All was going smoothly until our brave hero found himself becoming overwhelmed by fatigue and what his girlfriend had thought was a full-on Jenna Jameson oral extravaganza was rudely interrupted by some fairly loud snores from the recipient.

At this point she broke off from her labours, tw@ted him round the side of the head (blacking his eye :lol: ) and went home; she has more or less refused to talk to him since. Leaving aside the unrealistic expectations of the heroine of the piece, it occurs to me that returning conquering heroes need some form of protection or 'get out of jail free' card for this kind of scenario. Generous as it was of her to make the effort, he was never going to be able to respond as hoped and it seems to me that the MOD should issue some form of guidance - perhaps like the little plastic 'compassionate' cards they give out - detailing the level of sexual response that is possible during R and R, especially when alcohol has been in limited supply in the operational theatre.

Does anyone have any advice or similar situations they might care to relate?
Well, cpunk, without playing Devil's Advocate shouldn't our returning hero have anticipated this erotic treat? Prior to attending said dinner party he should have imbibed several litres of Red Bull and a Viagra tablet, knowing that his warrior's duty was not complete until he'd squired the young lady.

I know this might sound harsh, and the lady was certainly less than considerate by tw*tting him around the swede, but he sort of had it coming.



Vegetius said:
Well, cpunk, without playing Devil's Advocate shouldn't our returning hero have anticipated this erotic treat?
As I understand it, he was anticipating a bottle of Tesco's Fitou, an Indian takeaway and a quickie before a good night's sleep, leaving him finely fettled for some more 'advanced' manouevres the next day.
So this is the Army of today Chickenpunk? Whatever happened to the days of "and the second thing I'm going to do when I get back from exercise/ops is put my bergen down.."??

It seems to me that while this looks like an open-and-shut case of warrior-god failing to perform, we ought to take a second look at this lady's conduct. She failed to take into account that said warrior-god would be on his chinstrap and subjected him to the most offensive thing a woman can inflict on a man - an impromptu dinner party. The poor lad was forced to eat and drink to the point of drowsiness, compounded no doubt by discussion of ladies' fashion, interior design, nannies, play schools and rubbishy novels between the females.

The poor sod probably only wanted to hang out of her back doors briefly and then have a long warm cuddle before going out for some hefty lunch-time drinkies with rugby club-mates, RMAS term-mates or similar. Then and only then could this brazen temptress have played her sophistication card.

Incidentally, it is a long time since a lady applied such techniques to me but I am pretty sure, even at 44 working 0600 to 2000 most days, that I would not go off to kip unless she was pretty average at it. conditional discharge for your mate, she gets referred to Bde because my sentencing powers just frankly are not commensurate with her several and particular acts of.."beastliness"!
....therefore the pair of them are both clearly at fault and deserve each other equally. They should obviously get married forthwith.

As a female, I'm going to have to side with your friend on this one and second Cuddles's feedback.

Any woman who has the slightest clue what men are like would have scheduled the fecking dinner party another night...and greeted him at the door already dressed for Vivid Video performance. Preferably with beer in hand.
Well, sometimes it even happens to Hyper-charged love ogres such as myself.

A few years ago, one lucky lady did the equivalent of winning the lottery on roll-over, and got to take me home from Jo's at the end of the night. :D

She was well into the paraphernalia, all of which was a little too technical for a country boy like me, so I got bored and crimped out just as she was trying to coax me into using the double-ended anal exciter. :oops:

In my defence, I had the morning watch before we got in, so I had been up since 0330. And I must say, for someone who had the Head of Charlie Krankie and the body of Danny De Vito, she didn't half bang on about her prowess in triathlon, thereby boring me to sleep as well. It was unreal: she was nattering on about us getting up at 0600 to do a run... 8O

In retrospect I should of taken her up on it, and beasted the horrible little wheely-bin shaped creature up and down War Down a few times.. :D


War Hero
i had almost the same problem when i returned for r/r. my MUM threw a suprise party for me and my girlfriend expected my to be mr karma sutra afterwards but the big problem was i had been on duty for 24hrs the sat on a plane next to an overweight remf so i couldent sleep on the plane and on the 4hr drive from brize the driver wanted to know all mywar storys so no sleep their. so when i walked through the door all i wanted to do is sleep and phone the missesfor a good seeing to in the morning.
As cpunk suggested, some of this stuff needs to be put on a laminated card and handed out by family liaison officers for wives and girlfriends.

Failing that, a vending machine at Brize with my Red Bull & Viagra combo might also be a winner.

Lastly, any suggestions for an erotic offer so ridiculously sexy that even the most jaded, sand-blasted, utterly knackered squaddie couldn't say no?

In my day - end of NI tour etc..('ere we go...), bergen at the door, folowed by the progressive divestment of gear to the bedroom door, where you would hang your "drawers cellular" on yer extended towel rail (for a laugh apparently) and launch yerself on the bed where the C in C would be lying in the starfish position..... three minutes later, drag yerself down to Klaus's for a bratty & chips and a beer....
No fancy schmancy evening do, but a) couple hours kip first b) then fun 'n games. Always worked. :twisted:
Etiquette 'dick-tates' he continue to 'do his duty' even on R&R (standards and tradition)...this 'new age' of handing out cards seems more arkard and childish than the 'real thing' of young folks enjoying each other...making stupid mistakes...having a row and THEN making up!

Of course timing is critical for any suckcessfull manover.
WEATHERMAN1956 said:
Fraulein Mögen die Küsse die zärtlichen Worte sein, die ich dir nicht sage. - Kisses are the unspoken words of love.
Ich bin beeindruckt, denn Herr F waere und ist dieser suessen Wrote leider nicht maechtig. (und ich - mit ebengleicher Bedauerung - habe keine Umlaute auf meiner eher so englischen Tastatur) :lol:
Fraulein wrote:

Ich bin beeindruckt, denn Herr F waere und ist dieser suessen Wrote leider nicht maechtig. (und ich - mit ebengleicher Bedauerung - habe keine Umlaute auf meiner eher so englischen Tastatur)

Dankeschön Fraulein,

Das ist doch zu arg...ebengleicher verschwendet Möglichkeit um nichts spielen Gelegenheiten.

Computeranwendung wir spielen um nichts... heil und gesund.

Ich wünschte eine lange Zeit schönen Wetters deinetwillen.

(du bist mir lieb)
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