Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

A Punk Gude to...staging a military coup

Its occasionally been floated on these pages, its even been part of the site disclaimer and some ARRSERs are old enough to probably remember the defence cuts in the 60s when it might have actually happened...
Someone has finally put fingers to keyboard and come up with a coherent plan... A Punk Guide to... staging a Military Coup | The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The British Army
Reproduced here in full for the lazy-of-link-clicking:

A Punk Guide to… staging a Military Coup

Posted onJune 2, 2019
AuthorDominic Adler


Fig. 1 – The people of Tidworth waving off liberation forces heading for London, warning them to avoid the A303, especially that really slow bit near Stonehenge.

Here at The Hitch Hikers Guide To The British Army, we’re all about high-quality, peer-reviewed content (well, Craig skim-reads my copy while shot-gunning cans of Carlsberg Special Brew). And this week, given the political situation in the UK, we’re taking a look at how to stage a full-on military coup d’état. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. You have, haven’t you? It’s okay. I have too.

Change you can believe in

Fig. 2 – Meet the new UK Brexit negotiator, miles better than that Ollie Robbins bloke

Naturally, I’d never advocate over-throwing Parliamentary democracy (I’m not Jeremy Corbyn, dammit). But the current crop of politicians are, to use a technical phrase, a shower of shit. I’m sure many former and serving soldiers have thought to themselves, ‘Cpl. Snooks the biff-chit-happy company clerk could do a better job than Theresa May’. Dammit, I reckon a regimental goat would be preferable to most of the lizards vying for a billet in Downing Street.

Rule 1 – The Plan

Fig. 3 – Oliver Cromwell proves that forty tooled up squaddies are not match for Parliament.

Franco plotted his coup in the Canary Islands, urging the army to rise against the Spanish government by radio broadcast (when he wasn’t telling Scousers ‘no, I’m not going for a free drink in your nightclub’). General Pinochet got CIA backing when he hijacked the Chilean government. The Thai army has so many coups they’re pencilled-in next to public holidays. And Oliver Cromwell? He simply marched forty squaddies into Parliament and banned Christmas. They all had a plan. Therefore, the main problem for our notional coup is the Government Zone, defended by shed-loads of armed coppers. Rather than fight, a better plan would be to negotiate, offering the Prime Minister as hostage to the Police Federation. Coppers hate May, as Home Secretary she screwed them over big-time. In return, the Police stand down and let those army guard service blokes stag-on instead.

Rule 2 – Seize the airport
Every half-decent coup involves seizing an airport. I’m not sure why, maybe its access to the duty-free shop, or becauseWetherspoons is open at 0500? Anyhow, the problem for a British military coup would be the RAF Regiment. They’ve turned something simple, like stagging-on at an airfield, into something called the ‘Complex Air / Ground Environment’ (CAGE). Apparently this takes the brains of an archbishop. To see what I mean, check this out:​

Fig. 4 – To you and me, this is a small airfield. To a Rock Ape, it’s a ‘Complex Air Ground Environment’.

The obvious solution is to send the Rocks to Stanstead, which is a crappy airport in Essex nobody cares about. Or Luton, perhaps, telling them the Marriott is booked specially (you know how Crabs love hotels). Heathrow, on the other hand, is the big one as far as our coup is concerned (because it’s actually in London, not pretending to be like Gatwick). That’s easily disrupted by two Royal Sigs lance-jacks with a drone they bought off Amazon. Then the crack squadron of plain-clothes Sappers deployed into Wetherspoons the night before can drunkenly storm the control tower and threaten to skiff the ATC staff if they don’t comply with their demands. Job done.

Rule 3 – Take over the TV & Radio station

Fig. 5 – 77 Brigade in action. This elite infowarfare technician is actually holding the ENTIRE INTERNET in her hand. Furthermore, as part of her training, she can switch it on and off using the power OF HER MIND!

This one’s tricky, and a rule written before the Internet was A Thing. Ideally, we’d need to take over the whole of the Worldwide Web, which is why we need the shadowy infowarfare operators of 77 Bde. Actually, no we don’t, because they talk in babble and nobody understands what they do (even them).
All that’s required is a successful YouTube channel called ‘Coup LOL’ or something. We find two reasonably telegenic young soldiers, preferably with ADHD, and let them play video games while a NCO supplies them with sugary snacks and Jager-bombs. They tell the kids what a great idea direct rule via a military Junta would be, and how much it would piss off their parents. Voila! Who cares what the BBC says? Everyone’s watching Netflix anyway. And for the 77 Bde person reading this… you can have that one for free, mate.​

Rule 4 – Appoint a charismatic figurehead

Fig. 6 – This is not a charismatic figurehead, it’s someone about to do the time-warp again.

A military coup needs a figurehead. Someone who can persuade, cajole and inspire. I know it’s difficult to imagine Colonel Ghaddafi as a dashing young army officer (he was in 1969, before he got a perm), but you can’t have a Junta without a Generalissimo. Most of the general staff, I suspect, aren’t up for this – it’d fuck their chances of getting knighted or a peerage. That leaves two other options, (a) find a lower-ranking Rupert prepared to take the risk, or (b) choose one via a reality TV show called ‘Junta Island’. After the public are informed of their new army overlords by ‘Coup LOL’ on YouTube, a competition will be announced – 12 young, hot military officers will be flown to Diego Garcia. When they arrive, they’ll perform command tasks in revealing swimwear while the public vote for our new Dictator for Life! Caroline Flack will need some persuasion, but our new Chancellor (who used to run the Bulford NAAFI) can turn on the money-taps, right?​

Fig. 7 – Sandhurst intake 1/2020… pretending to cross shark infested custard on Diego Garcia

There’s the glorious future under Britain’s future military government – a regimental goat negotiating with Brussels, Theresa May festering in a police cell, 432s breaking down on the A303 en-route to Whitehall, army-run YouTube gaming channels 24/7 and bikini-clad officer babes prancing about on telly. And the RAF Regiment defending the Marriott at Luton airport FOREVER, a Complex Air / Accommodation Environment (with room service). Why would anyone want to bother voting again?​
 
I think this is just a Channel 4 remake of Flt Lt Jerry Rawlings' military coup in Ghana (40th anniversary coming up on 4 June) which had a reasonably peaceful clear-out of an unpopular junta (admittedly some corrupt VSOs got the chop, but you cant make an omelette, etc) and led the country into some actual elections. The composition of Jerry's Armed Forces Revolutionary Council reads more like the Station Families Day committee:

Armed Forces Revolutionary Council, Ghana - Wikipedia
 
As part of the Brexit negotiations will you invade Strasburg and Brussels and liberate the EU wine cellars until Junker et al sign a Written Surrender Agreement just to keep everyone happy so we have a 'deal' with the EU and Brexit?
 
As part of the Brexit negotiations will you invade Strasburg and Brussels and liberate the EU wine cellars until Junker et al sign a Written Surrender Agreement just to keep everyone happy so we have a 'deal' with the EU and Brexit?
Cellars in belgium filled with wine?
Is there space left after the chocolates and kids?
 
We don't need a coup - we already have one, the current politicians and house of lords are doing everything they can to prevent democracy.
Instead of a coup - we just need a cull!, or as Donald trump says we need to "Drain the Swamp". Come election time - we all just need to vote these f*ckers out that are running the show and replace them with Brexit party members, then once we get our men into place - sort the House of Lords out.
No need to worry about Corbyn, his members and party will boot him out soon enough, Flabott with be dead with either a stroke or heart attack. As for the Limp Dems - they are getting an unknown leader soon.

However - if we did have a coup!, we only need to take out the current batch of politicians & bin elections for about 10 years or so until things stabilise, disband the House of Lords, stop politics courses at colleges. Take over the biased BBC & stop paying licence fees. Expand the military and take over all the councils with our own Army, centralise power, so dissolve the Scottish parliament & Welsh assembly. Install Martial Law & make prisons hard places to live - ie work for food, hard time. F*ck the EU off and don't give them anymore cash or obey their rules.

I could go on and on & on, but I've got other stuff to do today.
 
We don't need a coup - we already have one, the current politicians and house of lords are doing everything they can to prevent democracy.
Instead of a coup - we just need a cull!, or as Donald trump says we need to "Drain the Swamp". Come election time - we all just need to vote these f*ckers out that are running the show and replace them with Brexit party members, then once we get our men into place - sort the House of Lords out.
No need to worry about Corbyn, his members and party will boot him out soon enough, Flabott with be dead with either a stroke or heart attack. As for the Limp Dems - they are getting an unknown leader soon.

However - if we did have a coup!, we only need to take out the current batch of politicians & bin elections for about 10 years or so until things stabilise, disband the House of Lords, stop politics courses at colleges. Take over the biased BBC & stop paying licence fees. Expand the military and take over all the councils with our own Army, centralise power, so dissolve the Scottish parliament & Welsh assembly. Install Martial Law & make prisons hard places to live - ie work for food, hard time. F*ck the EU off and don't give them anymore cash or obey their rules.

I could go on and on & on, but I've got other stuff to do today.

Sensible policies for a happier Britain !
 
Its occasionally been floated on these pages, its even been part of the site disclaimer and some ARRSERs are old enough to probably remember the defence cuts in the 60s when it might have actually happened...
Someone has finally put fingers to keyboard and come up with a coherent plan... A Punk Guide to... staging a Military Coup | The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The British Army
Reproduced here in full for the lazy-of-link-clicking:

A Punk Guide to… staging a Military Coup

Posted onJune 2, 2019
AuthorDominic Adler


Fig. 1 – The people of Tidworth waving off liberation forces heading for London, warning them to avoid the A303, especially that really slow bit near Stonehenge.

Here at The Hitch Hikers Guide To The British Army, we’re all about high-quality, peer-reviewed content (well, Craig skim-reads my copy while shot-gunning cans of Carlsberg Special Brew). And this week, given the political situation in the UK, we’re taking a look at how to stage a full-on military coup d’état. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. You have, haven’t you? It’s okay. I have too.

Change you can believe in

Fig. 2 – Meet the new UK Brexit negotiator, miles better than that Ollie Robbins bloke

Naturally, I’d never advocate over-throwing Parliamentary democracy (I’m not Jeremy Corbyn, dammit). But the current crop of politicians are, to use a technical phrase, a shower of shit. I’m sure many former and serving soldiers have thought to themselves, ‘Cpl. Snooks the biff-chit-happy company clerk could do a better job than Theresa May’. Dammit, I reckon a regimental goat would be preferable to most of the lizards vying for a billet in Downing Street.

Rule 1 – The Plan

Fig. 3 – Oliver Cromwell proves that forty tooled up squaddies are not match for Parliament.

Franco plotted his coup in the Canary Islands, urging the army to rise against the Spanish government by radio broadcast (when he wasn’t telling Scousers ‘no, I’m not going for a free drink in your nightclub’). General Pinochet got CIA backing when he hijacked the Chilean government. The Thai army has so many coups they’re pencilled-in next to public holidays. And Oliver Cromwell? He simply marched forty squaddies into Parliament and banned Christmas. They all had a plan. Therefore, the main problem for our notional coup is the Government Zone, defended by shed-loads of armed coppers. Rather than fight, a better plan would be to negotiate, offering the Prime Minister as hostage to the Police Federation. Coppers hate May, as Home Secretary she screwed them over big-time. In return, the Police stand down and let those army guard service blokes stag-on instead.

Rule 2 – Seize the airport
Every half-decent coup involves seizing an airport. I’m not sure why, maybe its access to the duty-free shop, or becauseWetherspoons is open at 0500? Anyhow, the problem for a British military coup would be the RAF Regiment. They’ve turned something simple, like stagging-on at an airfield, into something called the ‘Complex Air / Ground Environment’ (CAGE). Apparently this takes the brains of an archbishop. To see what I mean, check this out:

Fig. 4 – To you and me, this is a small airfield. To a Rock Ape, it’s a ‘Complex Air Ground Environment’.

The obvious solution is to send the Rocks to Stanstead, which is a crappy airport in Essex nobody cares about. Or Luton, perhaps, telling them the Marriott is booked specially (you know how Crabs love hotels). Heathrow, on the other hand, is the big one as far as our coup is concerned (because it’s actually in London, not pretending to be like Gatwick). That’s easily disrupted by two Royal Sigs lance-jacks with a drone they bought off Amazon. Then the crack squadron of plain-clothes Sappers deployed into Wetherspoons the night before can drunkenly storm the control tower and threaten to skiff the ATC staff if they don’t comply with their demands. Job done.

Rule 3 – Take over the TV & Radio station

Fig. 5 – 77 Brigade in action. This elite infowarfare technician is actually holding the ENTIRE INTERNET in her hand. Furthermore, as part of her training, she can switch it on and off using the power OF HER MIND!

This one’s tricky, and a rule written before the Internet was A Thing. Ideally, we’d need to take over the whole of the Worldwide Web, which is why we need the shadowy infowarfare operators of 77 Bde. Actually, no we don’t, because they talk in babble and nobody understands what they do (even them).
All that’s required is a successful YouTube channel called ‘Coup LOL’ or something. We find two reasonably telegenic young soldiers, preferably with ADHD, and let them play video games while a NCO supplies them with sugary snacks and Jager-bombs. They tell the kids what a great idea direct rule via a military Junta would be, and how much it would piss off their parents. Voila! Who cares what the BBC says? Everyone’s watching Netflix anyway. And for the 77 Bde person reading this… you can have that one for free, mate.

Rule 4 – Appoint a charismatic figurehead

Fig. 6 – This is not a charismatic figurehead, it’s someone about to do the time-warp again.

A military coup needs a figurehead. Someone who can persuade, cajole and inspire. I know it’s difficult to imagine Colonel Ghaddafi as a dashing young army officer (he was in 1969, before he got a perm), but you can’t have a Junta without a Generalissimo. Most of the general staff, I suspect, aren’t up for this – it’d **** their chances of getting knighted or a peerage. That leaves two other options, (a) find a lower-ranking Rupert prepared to take the risk, or (b) choose one via a reality TV show called ‘Junta Island’. After the public are informed of their new army overlords by ‘Coup LOL’ on YouTube, a competition will be announced – 12 young, hot military officers will be flown to Diego Garcia. When they arrive, they’ll perform command tasks in revealing swimwear while the public vote for our new Dictator for Life! Caroline Flack will need some persuasion, but our new Chancellor (who used to run the Bulford NAAFI) can turn on the money-taps, right?

Fig. 7 – Sandhurst intake 1/2020… pretending to cross shark infested custard on Diego Garcia

There’s the glorious future under Britain’s future military government – a regimental goat negotiating with Brussels, Theresa May festering in a police cell, 432s breaking down on the A303 en-route to Whitehall, army-run YouTube gaming channels 24/7 and bikini-clad officer babes prancing about on telly. And the RAF Regiment defending the Marriott at Luton airport FOREVER, a Complex Air / Accommodation Environment (with room service). Why would anyone want to bother voting again?



You need to send this to No 10, Westminster, your local MP, and the pricks at Brussels, inspired, and so near the truth, in parts, to be scary!
 
If push comes to " hands up you shower of shit" I'm sure there are enough old sweats out there who would willingly don their old berets and join the fray, I am sure by now the knobs, wankers, bum shufflers and total wastes of space that inhabit Westminster gas works are patently aware of the monumental ill will that is bearing down on them, which eventually will morph from words, into deeds, they should realise, there is more of us than them. I cannot see plod or the MOD siding with government, considering how they both have been shafted royally by government in the past, and the population of this fractured island have had just about enough of their inept imcompatiance.
 
Last edited:
You picked the wrong day for your coo, nobody about on Sunday, try again on sports afternoon
 
Indeed.

Those windows aren't going to lick themselves.
Are you my new internet stalker? When you're not tired of sniffing your mums/sisters/little brothers soiled knickers/pants - you troll my my posts looking for new wanking material - weirdo!
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Don't forget to invade France (under cover of liberation celebrations maybe?) and capture their white flag factories, thereby nobbling their armed forces.
 
Are you my new internet stalker? When you're not tired of sniffing your mums/sisters/little brothers soiled knickers/pants - you troll my my posts looking for new wanking material - weirdo!

It's called bullying. It's character building. You're learning a valuable life skill. Stop whining.
 
It's called bullying. It's character building. You're learning a valuable life skill. Stop whining.

LOL, that's not bullying - you've obviously never been bullied or bullied anyone before - If you need private lessons - PM me your home address/IP address and I'll give you a master class.
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
127.0.0.1
 
LOL, that's not bullying - you've obviously never been bullied or bullied anyone before - If you need private lessons - PM me your home address/IP address and I'll give you a master class.

No need. We knew you were a bully though, we were just waiting for your confirmation. Cheers for providing.

Now, you are obviously trying to salve your adult conscience by claiming you were merely providing the children you bullied with a valuable life lesson. What's the matter, do you have a terminal disease and are hoping to clear your conscience before karking it?

I hope you do. I bet it's AIDS.
 
No need. We knew you were a bully though, we were just waiting for your confirmation. Cheers for providing.

Now, you are obviously trying to salve your adult conscience by claiming you were merely providing the children you bullied with a valuable life lesson. What's the matter, do you have a terminal disease and are hoping to clear your conscience before karking it?

I hope you do. I bet it's AIDS.

Good or Bad Aids?
 
Good or Bad Aids?

Oh bad of course. @mrdude has a very definite case of Arrsehole Injected Death Syndrome due to his closet homosexuality, which he hid so as to not draw the attention of the other bullies by being different.

It all hangs together when you look at his posts. The filthy bender!
 
Top