A plea for advice and support

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bazzinho1977, Nov 13, 2009.

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  1. Right

    I wasn't sure whether to go to the lonely hearts thread, social thread or Naafi. However, I feel that the fine gentlemen and ladies of this particular corner of the Arrse Forum may be able to help me with this.

    I am, very much, laying myself open to you all. I would really value some helpful advice.

    I have changed job recently (civvi job). I am now working in a new office with a new team and a lot of people I don't know. I therefore don't know how they will react.

    But, and this is the problem, I really want to bum the team secretary.

    This girl is phenomenal. Mid-30s, slim, tall, pretty and, from the revealing clothes she wears, her tits haven't even started giving in to gravity yet. They are like two rocks cradled in individual hammocks.

    Now, I work in an open plan office, so luring her away to the "stock room" is not a possibility. Neither are the bogs (because there is no discrete way to access them).

    Obviously there is also the issue of mrsBazzinho1977 not finding out.

    So, how do I go about getting a shag? Do I just wait for the christmas party, rohypnol her and leave her in a pool of blood at the local PremierInn? Or is there a more subtle way. To be honest, if its bind, gag and drug yet again this year, I might go insane.

    What should I do?
  2. Well 1st off, you need to take a photo of her (covert, or overt, I don't care which) then post it on here for us to oggle.

    Then.....her email address :)
  3. Why part with a winning formula? Are you in danger of getting into a rut? (Pun intended)
  4. Send an e-mail inviting every one to the pub after work on Friday, then use your wit, charm and the bar's alchol to get the little minx banjaxed. After that take her back to your/her place and bang the s**t out of her. Job Done.
  5. Yeah. To then get some arrser to realise and shout "hold on - thats my fucking sister you git". Or many other hilarious outcomes of posting a cover photo of a tart on the arrse website
  6. You miserable sod. You've made the whole story up haven't you.
  7. Or, as would actually happen, get everyone to the pub. Give it big man and buy drinks. After the second round be in a state where it is a race between two outcomes.

    1) Me staggering through the bar, drooling on her tits from too-close range and then shitting myself (literally) and being thrown into a cab

    2) My professing undying love and then threatening to fucking kill that plantpot that has been staring at my new bird

    All whilst the rest of my workmates are still quite sober.
  8. I hope you are not suggesting I am a dirty-work-pervert-walt?
  9. You could try sending her suggestive e-mails, cornering her in the filing room, smelling her hair etc. Or just tell her that you want to stuff your man meat up her s**t pipe.
  10. Women are becoming ever more competitive these days. Tell her you overheard some of the other ladies saying they bet she was a crap shag, then dare her to prove them wrong!
  11. Chloroform - Cuffs - Ballgag

    Job jobbed.
  12. Leave her little presents at her desk. Small drops of sex-wee or the small clumps of shit/bog roll/arse hair should be enough to have her noshing you off in the boardroom in next to no time. :D
  13. I think you should "man up" and just confront said Totty! Open plan office or not, walk up to her desk and (with condom firmly in place), flop yer knob onto her mouse mat,

    Both she and fellow co-workers are bound to be impressed with your foresight and responsible outlook with regards to unprotected sex. Game on! :boogie:
  14. This idea has legs. Do I put the drops of sex-wee in a container and carry them from the bogs? Or do I wait until she is at lunch and bang the head of it against the underside of her desk - thereby leaving something to fall onto her lap later as a pleasant surprise?
  15. Sprinkle them liberally over her desk, keyboard, monitor, & especially her tea/coffee mug. In fact, make a trail of them leading to your desk, where you sit proudly, with your cock out ready for her.