A not so perfect day in The Senior Service

Discussion in 'Royal Navy' started by northern-matelot, Dec 15, 2011.

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    0600 - Call The Hands, Wake up lying in a big map of Africa.

    0755 - Turn out of your rack realising you’re going to be adrift.

    0805 – Turn up at both watches negative beret or rigging set, get a bollocking from the Buffer.

    0915 – Slip away from part of ship to grab a dhoby after noticing the stench from your unwashed muff is killing shite hawks at 300 yards.

    1000 – Demanding workout dragging your carcass to the NAAFI to get a family sized oggie (or two, or three).

    1030 – Die of shame as you bump into STBD watch of ME’s on 2 Deck knowing that you flashed your gash at them in Jesters last night (nice one gal).

    1200 – Healthy lunch of Pot Noodles and crisps washed down by 2 tins of Special Vat.

    1215 - Catch a power nap as theres' a good 45 minutes before Fresh Cases.

    1315 – Attend Fresh Cases, as the POMA is always good for a cup of tea because he’s STILL hoping that you will suck him off next time you go foreign.

    1500 – Stand easy (Nap).

    1545 – Turn to by Part of Ship, spin the PO a line about having to see your DO knowing he’ll fall for it as you will suck HIM off next time you go foreign.

    1615 - Light work out gossiping with the girls at the Wyvern Centre, skegging the new RM PTI whilst thinking YOU would like to suck him off next time you go foreign.

    1730 - Choose outfit from extensive New Look wardrobe, parade before full mess square to get the girls endorsement that you will definitely get a bit tonight.

    1735 – Pre dinner drink of 3 tins of Special Vat with the girls. (Geddin)

    1740 – Buffet supper at Pizza Hut of "all you can eat for a fiver".

    1900 – Rounds - Route Alpha along Union Strazza.

    0130 – Make a play for the Killick of the Stoker’s Mess as he is the only the bloke from the Ship’s Company whose breath doesn’t smell of sick, get thinned out as you still have spaff in your hair from the RM PTI at the Wyvern Centre.

    0230 – Crimp in the Mess square and get carried to bed . . . (rarely ironed, crusty, old, grey linen).


    0600 – Call The Hands. Give thanks to the powers that be that you have not shat your pit.

    0755 – Climb out of bed stepping in something suspect, scrabble around in the dark for something to wear cursing the fact that it is first up best dressed in your gulch.

    0756 – Turn on the light and find your self in St Budeaux married patch. (****!)

    0757 – Phone your oppo on board to peg you in and sign you out Ashore on Duty, meet your oppo in the layapart store with your ovvies in a gash bag.

    0815 – Turn to Part of Ship with a brew for the Chief Tiff to keep him quiet.

    0830 - Massive satisfying beer shit, having found some porn on the overheads, have a danger **** with the door to the trap unlocked.

    1000 - Breakfast: two slices of cold pizza that the duty watch couldn’t get through last night.

    1015 – Visit NAAFI via the upper scupper to avoid the fat WOM (UW) that you pumped up last weekend as she looks even less female in ovvies and a rigging set.

    1030 – Use a sharp pencil and a clear conscience to update the PMS log so that you can have a sports make and mend today.

    1130 – Watchkeeper’s scran before a few cans of wife beater to settle the nerves before the bus to rugby leaves.

    1330 – Drag your hangover around Brickfields for 40 mins before feigning a hamstring injury, get taken off at half time.

    1410 – Get stuck into your six pack of Stella - now that you’ve come off you may as well start the third half early.

    1500 – Avoid the bar snacks in the post match social quoting “Eating as cheating”.

    1630 – Buy a Wii from Jack Blair's on credit and pawn it at Cash Converters for £100 as this will see you through until payday.

    1700 – Back on board, visit heads on the way to the bathrooms to crack one off and empty your bag to improve your performance in case you get lucky later.

    1715 - Shit, Shower and Shave.

    1745 – RAS your oppo’s best new shirt, **** him he’s duty, and anyway he’d do it to you.

    1800 – See off the fridge to piss the duty watch off.

    1845 – Quick one in the Avondale to see the rough sort from Swilly serving topless behind the bar.

    1900 – Rounds - Route Alpha along Union Strazza.

    2230 – Hit Jesters, go ugly early, yes she’s rough but she’s got huge norks and she’s dirty after several pints of rough cider.

    0130 – Get booted out of cider girl’s bedsit, as the chilli sauce on your fingers from your kebab stung her winker when you were warming her up for some back door action.

    0200 – Stagger back on board £90 lighter having paid the bill for being sick in the back of the fast black.

    0445 – Win award for best dressed man in bed, having finally made it there after losing an eyebrow when asleep in the mess square.

    0500 - Night cap shuffle.

    0530 – Wipe **** on oppo’s bunk curtain, as you don’t have a pusser’s sock handy.

    0531 - Laugh yourself to sleep
    • Like Like x 2
  2. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  3. Aahhh Memories
  4. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I can't get Youtube on my work computer but I suggest any serving or ex matelots on here check out the work of Hoofing81.

    My personal favourite is the CO and XO planning meeting.
  5. No youtube but Arrse, I am glad your employer sorted its priority around the inter web:

    Here is the channel:

    Hoofing81's Channel - YouTube

    Here it the episode. I hope you don't mind me not understanding half of it all.

  6. seaweed

    seaweed LE Book Reviewer

    There's a whole run of these but I think you have to have worn a blue suit to 'get it'. Personally they had me in fits.
  7. I thought in the RN it was a full set or clean shave?
  8. For both genders.