A mouth full of Rhino sh1t

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Feb 12, 2010.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Not long ago, amidst a pile of mail I noticed I'd received a package from Africa.

    Knowing there are a number of site members over there who have sent stuff to auction it didn't really set the alarm bells ringing when a box, say 12 by 12 inches appeared in the post.

    When I looked at the date I noted that it had been in the post for about six weeks and commented to the doris about the state of the worldwide postal system. She asked me what it was and my responce was a more polite version of 'fcuk knows sweetheart'

    When I opened to box there was a round ball shaped item, wrapped quite neatly in a bin bag, sealed with maskers. inside that there was another, then another, then my suspicions were aroused and the doris retreated to the other side of the kitchen and said 'Has one of your stupid mates sent you a head' I stopped paused for thought then thought 'It could be a monkeys head or something.

    It was warm so I opted to opened it outside on the patio.

    I carried on through the wrapping, until I could feel something quite hard and a bit brittle, then the waft hit me like a punch of Lennox Lewis's mum. If was absolutely rancid I thought some cnut had sent me a head after all.

    It was a perfectly formed, well and truly gopping Rhino turd, all the way from Africa.

    At this point I ran inside dry heaving and laughing at the same time, quietly saluting the cnut that sent it whislt trying to remain grown up in answering the doris when she said 'What sort of cretin sends big game sh1t through the post'

    My answer was 'a moron babe' but quietly admiring the sentiment behind the posting.

    I carried on with the days work and broke off for lunch when the frau made me a sarni. I took it in the front room and began passing judgement and scoffing at the offerings on daytime tele.

    At the moment the last gob ful of tuna mayo was despatched the dog, a mad black lab pup bounded into the room waggy tailed and looking for affection, so being a big kinder at heart I leapt to the floor and went to engage it in a head lock, the slimy cunt beat me to it with a big jowelly slobbery lick, straight to the mouth....... it then dawned on me as I began to vomit all over the place that the dirty cnut had eaten the rhino turd in the garden.

    I wondered if any other site members had consumed Rhino, elephant of hippo sh1t?

    If I can pass on a lesson, never give Cutaway your home address, he rapes people and posts plop inter continentally.
  2. :D brilliant
  3. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    FFS Mate!
    With your new avi & this.....you've been hanging out with MDN too long!
  4. BiscuitsAB

    BiscuitsAB LE Moderator

    Classic. Even the Mrs approves.
  5. Now you've become a gourmet of guano and expert of dirt perhaps you could start a thread discussing the merits of various animal excreta? Of course you could just lick various dog's arrses but that sounds tame after big game poo.
  6. Spanish_Dave

    Spanish_Dave LE Good Egg (charities)

    In Hereford one fine evening after quaffing copious amounts of ale, I retired to my peaceful abode to be woken by major banging on the door, to my shock and horror their was this horrible sight of a rhino shit eating maniac doing naked burpees outside my room :rmp:
  7. It's a pity the pup ate it, I'd have given a tenner to hols4heroes for it! Lovely Valentines guft for the woman whose made me buy her everything! ;)
  8. lol I'm crying here mate! Your not having a whole (dung) heap of luck at the mo are you!

    God Bless Cutaway :p
  9. Thanks for that. Classic. Giggling away in the wee hours... :D
  10. It could have been worse... Imagining you'd have pretty much disinfected your mouth afterwards with a strong listerine and rigorous brushing - you could have had one of those mates who 'kidnaps' your toothbrush, and sends you the photograph of it hanging out of your mate's arrse about a week later :D

    Ordinarily, I'd volunteer my services, only I'm a little off the idea of anal intrusion at the moment (see DC thread) and besides - who knows where your mouth has been? Other than sampling rather tasty rhino dung!
  11. Unfortunately I've never had the fortune of consuming a wild beast's sh1t. You should be grateful for having that experience even though it was by proxy.

    The only experience with getting a taste of a bit of animal anal waste (apart from the usual cow sh1t) was many years ago during fieldwork in Jordan. I'd volunteered getting a few goats out of a small fenced off area for inoculation (honest). While I was bend over to grab what looked like the smallest and thus weakest of the group I felt a warm sensation on my left leg. Looking at my left an older goat with a look of genuine satisfaction was pishing on my leg.

    I pushed the goat away and wanted to lift the small goat. It tried to put up a fight but of course that was in vein. Happy and a bit smug that I won at least this fight, I tried to lift it over the fence except that the goat had a surprise strategy behind his hoofs. Something warm and smooth slipped through my fingers and when I held him at waist height he spontaneously combusted. The smell of diarrhea was nothing like anything I'd ever smelled before. Instinctively I wanted to vomit. Not really out of sickness but more out of revenge. I'd love to have swamped the critter in Stan-sick. Unfortunately I only managed to leak a little sour on its head.

    Note: I haven't been able to flush the toilet for the last two days, but that smell is just a little inconvenience compared to the stench the goat emitted. BTW I could scoop up a few spoons of semi run through and send it to you to make your pooh collection complete. And I'll admit it, I'd like the idea of being only one dog tongue away from being rimmed by you.
  12. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    A bizarre and not entirely unromantic attempt at getting me to bed you.

    There must be something about turds and mouths... This morning I took the dog for a bimble along the beach, on arrival back at home I ushered it through the back then sand, sea and smelly wet dog didn't out stink the house.

    After I'd towelled it off I thought 'Fcuk, I've not done a poo patrol for a couple of days' so went to do it whilst still freezing cold so the turds would be solid, enabling me to hoof them over the fence into the adjoining field.

    There was one, half on the path, half on the grass that was stuck solid in the frost. A gentle nudge with the shovel didn't work so I gave a swift tw@tting...... a bit chipped off and hit me on the bottom lip..... Instinct and self preservation must have been awol as my IA drill was to lick my bottom lip.

    Thankfully the cold meant it bounced straight off, a moderatley moist or sloppy jobby could have made for a totally different afternoon..... ie one with a black lab being sawn in half for being a dirty shitting cnut.
  13. My border collie seems to think the cat litter tray is an all day buffet, purely in existance for when she fancies a snack.

    Once of the cats is gluten intolerant and has motions the consistancy of Ready Break and the colour of butterscotch.

    There is nothing like sitting down to and indian on a Friday night (being a girl I of course have chicken korma) only to have the dog come begging for a bit of peshwari naan with hot, stinking, molten cat excrement on its snout and it still trying to scrape the morsels of it off the roof of its mouth with it's tongue, a bit like when you eat a spoon full of peanut butter, making a noise like a deaf, toothless, geriatric sucking on a Werthers.

    Still it appears I should count myself lucky that only once have I received an tongue kiss off her after she had hoovered the contents of the feline thunderbox, she sidled up to me whilst I was dosing on the sofa and just as I opened my mouth to greet her she stuck her tonuge in, i vommed on her head. I got told off for by him for spewing in her face and when I had recovered enough to feel guilty I noticed the gopping creature was scraping my stomach contents off her face with both paws before feverently licking them with a look of greed on her face.

    I cant say I'm surprised at how vile my dog is, the day I got her she had to be given a dettol bath because she had been harbouring a badger cub in the later stages of decomp in her kennel and had been lovingly nuzzling and nibbling at it.

    I think the most exotic faeces I have ever had in my mouth was beloning to a Baboon (or some sort of monkey), I was 8 and on holiday in Tunisia and the hotel had some weird and wonderful creatues in cages, I was gonna give it a mango but then it threw its poo at me, hit me straight in the face and got in my mouth, I would like to say I did something comical at that point, but I didn't I cried and made my Grandma give it a telling off.
  14. Wetting myself!! know where you are coming from!!