A month in Vietnam

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#64
Try and find the Top Gear episode when they travelled through Vietnam .... That'll give you inspiration ......
Cheers. Thanks for your input. I'm kinda curious about what you found to Edit between 23.30 and 23.57 but one hates to pry.

Assuming we have got the VIETNAM WAR shite out of our system, anybody been there on their hols? Just for a jollie?

If so, I should be obliged for your advice. If not, well, I feel you know what I am about to invite you to do. Dry.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#66
Fucks sakes. If I wanted to start a fight between a mine hunter and a faggot I could have breezed down South Shields and drunk warm beer with Makems. I do not wish that.

A steer to a decent beach in Vietnam would be nice? I can go to Mumsnet and ask. Do not push me because I'll ******* do it.
 
#68
christ my memory's getting good!! Did we have an in depth discussion on Vietnamese cuisine or something, that would make it stick??
 
#69
christ my memory's getting good!! Did we have an in depth discussion on Vietnamese cuisine or something, that would make it stick??
No, I could tell you about our informative trip to the Cu Chi Tunnels or my awesome hour on a range for less than 30 quid but I'd rather tell you about when I snatched an hour to myself under the pre-text of 'looking for British newspapers' and licked the front and back bottom of a barely legal teen whilst she clumsily wanked me off. Little ****** wiped her semen soaked hands on my brand new 'Pretty Green' polo shirt though which sullied the mood somewhat..
 
#70
I can't hear you I'm dead.

Tell it to Matt.
HE SAYS YOU ARE ******* DEAD. Don't make me get my do it thesen exorcism kit out again. (I am sure there's a bit in there about Resurrecting the dead).
 
#71
No, I could tell you about our informative trip to the Cu Chi Tunnels or my awesome hour on a range for less than 30 quid but I'd rather tell you about when I snatched an hour to myself under the pre-text of 'looking for British newspapers' and licked the front and back bottom of a barely legal teen whilst she clumsily wanked me off. Little ****** wiped her semen soaked hands on my brand new 'Pretty Green' polo shirt though which sullied the mood somewhat..
I hope you knocked the cleaning costs off her fee...cheeky get!! Although, she probably doubles as a washer woman so you should've got that thrown in really!!
 
#73
A friend of mine spent his honeymoon there a couple of years ago. He used the Top Gear episode as a template! Had a great time.
Myself, I have always fancied a Holiday in Cambodia...
 
#74
9 year olds are PERFECTLY capable of doing a 14 hour day...ask my kids!
 
#75
Some serious non bickering questions:

Is Vietnam still quite cheap? Is French still spoken alot or is that just in Saigon/Ho Chi Minh City? What are the main plus points of going there? ie are the beaches any good/easy to get to there? what to do in their cities? people friendly enough ?....when not on trigger end of a DShK obviously... is it ok to shout "Runnn Charllllie" at local athletics events?)
Is the food as good as peole make out? Heard their baguette sarnies and noodles etc are v good. I tried some Vietnamese wine and it tasted like I imagine paddy water does and had a heavy 'slightly rotten vegetation' taste.
Yep, Vietnam is still cheap (many towns in the west Mekong Delta you can get a bj from an 18 y/o student for a fiver). But if you stick to the tourist spots and 5 star hotels expect to pay more and not only for the bj.

I met very few people who speak Ffrench there - there are some but they are a dwindling minority.

There are no beaches in Saigon, the city sits on the Saigon river.

Vietnam has about 2000 kilometers of coast line. Some of it is touristy, some of it is remote, much of it is stunningly beautiful.

People are very friendly and have a habit of dragging you into their (in the smaller villages) hovels and making you drink tea.

In the cities they can be very pointed with their questions and comments ("hello how old you? ..... oh very old soon die").

If you shout runnnn Charliiiiie they will assume you are being encouraging and will smile at you. If they find out that you were taking the piss they will be embarrassed for you. Some of them may say "Doh Mah Mae" (mother ******).

The Vn's call any kind of booze except for beer, "wine". Their Dalat wine is OK ish, the Dalat "black wine" is, as previously mentioned a bit heavy in alcohol. Vn Vodka is bearable, their "whisky" is afuckingtrocious. They will try and sell you five star ffrench cognac. Snake wine, bear wine, porcupine wine, stork wine etc are to be avoided. Best bet is stick to Johnnie Walker Black - or gold if you can get it. But beware of fakes. Local wines made from saliva, rice, buffalo piss etc are best given the Spanish archer.

The baguettes filled with meat salad and herbs (and chillies) are called Banh Mi, pronounced Bang Mee. If you go to the wrong place to get them they are an excellent source of dysentery.
 
#77
Do they play Mummy and Daddys for a couple of dollars as well?
Indeed they do and if you stop off in the rubber plantations on the way to Dalat in the central highlands, there are still a couple of places where they may help you to play Lions. Permanently.
 

Travelgall

LE
Kit Reviewer
#78
The Cu Chi Tunnels are great. Take lots of cash for the firing range. Spent $300US there and boy did I have a good time. M60, Thompson SMG, AK47, Garrand, M-16. Bloody gleaming. In Saigon itself I wouldn't bother with the Rex Hotel. It has the name but the interior is gopping. The Renaissance Saigon Riverside was lovely however. The War Remnants museum is a load of junk and communist propoganda, don't bother. The Markets are a lot of fun though - Ban Thanh, but don't buy any Vietnam War stuff - its either all fake or every dead GI carried 18,000 Zippo lighters on him.

Buy all your suits in Hoi An, I got a couple in Saigon. They're great but apparently Hoi An is better.

I went to Phu Quoc Island and stayed in the Cassia Cottage. Run by a gleaming Kiwi who always made sure we got a great breakfast - after 3 weeks of Rice and noodles the Bacon Sandwiches he knocks up are like nectar from the gods. Don't get me wrong, Vietnamese food is fantastic (especially the soup broth that you cook things in) but every once in a while you could kill for something that doesn't involve 5 spice. Phu Quoc itself is fairly quiet but the beaches are very pretty. Its a bit of a dump at the moment inland (the last roads were built and repaired by the Americans). It is well worth a visit though, and gives you a bit of a quiet holiday isle feel after seeing 600 mopeds at each intersection with each moped carrying a large family. Vietnam Airlines were stuck in the dark ages and amazingly you couldn't buy tickets online 2 years ago. I believe this has changed.

Personally I would do 3 weeks Vietnam, 1 week Cambodia seeing the Angkor Wat complex or a week in Laos seeing Luang Prabang. A whole month in Country seems a tad excessive. Saigon is a 3-4 day city at best even with a day side trip to the Cu Chi Tunnels. Phu Quoc 5 days if you're a beach bum, Hanoi 3-4 Days, Ha Long bay a couple of days, Hue, Da Nang and Hoi An a week if you go to Hoi An top get your suits made first.

Is that ok EOD Matt?
 
#80
Do they play Mummy and Daddys for a couple of dollars as well?
They've grown out of that...thank ****! Those bloody 'realistic baby' dolls have a screech that goes through you like nails on a blackboard!

Its Doctors and Nurses now...quite handy given my line of work! Disposable speculums are 10 a penny round here on Family Planning night!
 

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