A Message from John Cleese

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Poppy, Feb 18, 2008.

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  1. To: The Citizens of the United States of America:



    In light of your failure to nominate competent
    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
    monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).


    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
    governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
    whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
    the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.
    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
    guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.



    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
    'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
    'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
    filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
    inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
    using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.



    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
    carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
    and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
    and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
    you have been calling gasoline)- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
    call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
    calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
    is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
    be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
    provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
    English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
    13. You will cease playing American football. There is
    only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
    enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
    similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.



    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
    reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
    us mad.
    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
    Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
    acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
    cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
    strawberries in season.



    God save the Queen.



    John Cleese
     
  2. keep up Poppy
     
  3. How was it not advised that they start an internal Civil war with their fast food chains???
     
  4. Class!

    I now look forward to receiving this 20 times by Email over the next week with a dumb American saying
    "I better not hear of anyone deleting this - Send this to 4000 of your friends NOW"! 8O
     
  5. Funny as fcuk, will be giving a copy to the sceptics at work in the morning :D :clap:
     
  6. If you dont you will die
    and your mum will die
    and your dad will die
    and your cat will die
    and your wife will die (Hmm now its looking up)
    and your local MP will die (Getting warmer)
    and your Prime minister will die...........................................................


    <We're sorry, B_C has destroyed his laptop on the off chance this worked>
     
  7. it was funny in its first incarnation about 8 years ago
     

  8. I always wondered, how the fcuk would they hear about you deleting it???



    /me checks position of Tinfoil hat 8O
     
  9. Thats f*****g awesome! Take heed septics!
     
  10. I'm sure it was but I didn't have a computer 8 years ago - and hadn't even met the friend who forwarded it to me