A little poem for you all

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by old chef, Oct 16, 2012.

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  1. I have a little Satnav
    It sits in my car
    A Satnav is a driver's friend
    It tells you where you are

    I have a little Satnav
    I've had it all my life
    It’s better than the normal ones
    My Satnav is my wife

    It gives me full instructions
    Especially how to drive
    "It's thirty miles an hour", it says
    "You're doing thirty five"

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever
    Safe to overtake
    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    And all those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I'm properly fed,
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And - keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I do wish that once in a while
    I could turn the f****** thing off.
     
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  2. Fifty Shades of Grey.

    The missus bought a paperback
    down Mumbles, Saturday
    I had a look into her bag
    'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.

    Well I just left her to it
    At ten I went to bed,
    And one hour later she appeared -
    The sight filled me with dread....

    In her left hand she held a rope,
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor
    And then began to strip.

    Well, fifty years or so ago
    I might have had a peek,
    But Doris hasn't weathered well,
    She's eighty-four next week.

    Watching Doris bump and grind
    Could not have been much grimmer,
    Then things went from bad to worse
    She toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled back upon her feet
    A couple of minutes later,
    She put her teeth back in and said
    That I must dominate her!

    Now if you knew our Doris
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    From our last mad sex, I muttered.

    She stood there nude, all naked like,
    Bent forward just a bit...
    So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward
    And stood on her left tit!

    Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
    My God, what had I done?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out
    "Step on the other one!!"

    Well readers, I can't tell no more
    'Bout what occurred that day...
    Suffice to stay, my jet black hair
    Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"
     
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