A Good Pension?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by fltpilot, Jan 14, 2013.

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  1. OK, now we all have to put more in & get less out been thinking how I can get a better pension at 67?
    1.Become an MP
    2.Win the lottery BIG.
    3.Marry a rich women?
    4. A sure fire deal that I have not thought of?

    Now with option 1 I can see that would be a good gig for £56k a year.
    OK you may only be in the job for 5 years, but can claim shit loads if you don't get caught!

    The lottery would be nice but I probably have more chance of becoming the PUS in the civil service!

    Marry a rich women?
    Well am on a dating site so if i lie a bit and after all most of the women on it say their attractive and when you meet up they resemble 1980's Russian shot putters that could be a downside!

    So any sure fire ways of increasing my pension.

    PS: And no I don't want to become Jarrod's bitch and sell my pert bum!
  2. Rob a bank
    Deal in blood diamonds
    Recover scrap gold
  3. There are some risks with the first option.

    Some ravening future regime of wild eyed young Tories will ravage your public sector "entiitlements" in a fit of deficit hawk state trimming and generational warfare.

    Meanwhile your pension fund will be depleted by the growing fees of its managers while slack growth of investments fails to match inflation.

    It can all be screwed by a fair sized banking bust. A fairly high risk that the UK has done little to mitigate. In Ireland and Spain a huge private sector failure has also clobbered the public sector as the state has few options but to pick up the tab. State Pensions and services to the elderly being by far the largest part of welfare spend may be very vulnerable.

    So I'd invest in a copy of "Meth Labs For Dummies" and a small collection of plastic pistols. You may not live to see a pension, may have periods resting at Her Majesty's Pleasure but the only real risk to this career choice is legalization.
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  4. Fake insanity to the extent that you're detained at Her Majesty's pleasure. That way, you'll never have to worry about another bill again.

    Did I say 'fake'?...
  5. Do I have to sing, to be in these groups?,
  6. I like the sound of both your choices but you missed out the best one.

    Pimp out bitches and threaten to cut their faces if they hold back on yo' money.
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  7. Both excellent suggestions.....I'm off to look for a good skinning knife and a few shabby flats....
  8. Thought about that...no problem with finding bitch's around here...the trick would be pursuading the punters to shag the rancid bastards.
  9. I'm going to ruin this thread now with a sensible post.

    When I left the army in 2003 I had a mere 2 and a little bit years to go to get to my 12 year point and a half pension. I was told by many, many fucking idiots, that I was making a huge mistake and that I should stay in and get to my 12 years.

    Well fuck that bollocks, I'd had a fuck full, I was at the point where I'd become that disillusioned I couldn't give a shit, too many fucking tools were making, what I considered to be the best job in the world....fucking ever, completely soul destroying, so I got out and proceeded to do the following.......and is my suggestion....

    Get yourself on a decent CP course (or any course that will give you the required quals), get your carcass out into the badlands and make a few quid.
    Try not to get shot or blown up too much, but you have to have a few or you'll always be seen as a red arse / joebag / screamer.
    Buy a house.....rent this fucking thing out asap, put down a decent enough deposit and let some other cunt pay your mortgage for you.
    Then in a years time buy another.....do the same.
    Buy a flat....rent that cunt out too....but always remember that if the shit hits the fan, this will be where you will live, don't be tempted to live in one of the houses, they make more in rent. Live in the flat.

    Then by the time you are ready to retire (I'm thinking 25-30 years down the line), you'll own 3 properties (or more if you want) and they'll have cost you only the amount of the deposit....usually 10 percent....some other cunt will have paid the mortgages for you....you can sell up making a big fat wedge...even if the house is worth the same or less you can't lose cos you've spent almost fuck all on them.
    Use the money made on them to buy a little bungalow and put the rest in the bank as your pension.......

    That's what I'm doing...I have my house which is almost paid for, the house opposite which is renting out and a flat that is renting out.
    I am confident that when it comes to selling them I can shift them for about 450-490 grand, I'll then need to spend about 180 on a little bungalow, leaving 200+ grand to see out my remaining years. (taking into account various taxes and shit) Plus my wifes pension and my piddly army pension.......

    Plus whatever money I can save by skinning whores and wearing their skin as clothes.
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  10. ARRSE investment group of use?
  11. So basically the advice is if it's illegal then you make money.
    If it's legal you make nothing!

    So if i became a drug trafficking drug dealer on the streets & own a posse of whores to rent out and got nasty with them if they dont pay up, then i could make a right mint. Then get caught at about 70 and spend a few years in a nice warm prison cell with my own tv and 3 meals a day paid for by the likes of havocthecat etc.

    Well without sounding like gary glitter, anyone want to be in my gang!
    Free drugs & whores plus a few quid under the nose of hmrc?

    please note this is all hypothetical!
  12. Become a lead vallon man - without the vallon.