A Fly on the Wall in the RAO

SCENE – RAO Office – start of working day (about 11 o’clock)

2 soldiers at work – Cpl Baxter on E-Bay, RAOWO downloading porn.


RAO Morning tosspots! Bit thin on the ground, this morning Q. Where’s everyone?

RAOWO Two have gone AWOL, one’s jailed, three are off with stress and Sgt Struthers is in his office in his underpants waiting for someone to dress him.

RAO Any chance of a brew?

RAOWO Kettle’s just boiled – Cpl Baxter – Make the boss a brew, will you?

Cpl Baxter – (under breath) Fucking liberty (audible) Yes, Q.

Exit Cpl Baxter, coughing up phlegm for the brew.

RAO Thanks. (To RAOWO) How are we set for the Office inspection next week, Q?

RAOWO Not bad, Sir. We’ve hidden everything we shouldn’t have in a big cardboard box in the cupboard. The Finance Systems Operator has lost the key to the safe, but he thinks he might have found it by next week.

RAO How much money did we manage to lose last month? How much was I responsible for?

RAOWO Had you done your auditing, Sir, like you’re supposed to, you’d know it was about £3000. But as you just fill the ledgers with green pen in the hope someone will think you’re doing your job…

RAO …everything is processed electronically so I’m totally fucked when we’re inspected anyway…

RAOWO And you’re supposed to advise the Commanding Officer on how to spend his annual budget.

RAO That’s another quarter of a million pounds of taxpayers’ money chucked down the toilet – but luckily I have you, Q, and the team to advise me when I need help.

RAOWO – Bollocks to that, Sir. You’re on your own. Don’t drag us into this shit-trap you’ve created.

Enter Cpl Baxter, with chipped mug.

Cpl Baxter – Here you are, Sir. Hope you choke on it.

RAO Pardon? What did you say?

Cpl Baxter I said, It would have been quicker if you’d asked for a coke.

RAO Thanks Cpl Baxter.

Cpl Baxter Whilst you’re enjoying your brew, can I ask a favour? I know it’s the annual office inspection next week, but can I take three days leave – Wed through to Friday?

RAO Fuck off – we need everyone here so we can cook the books, isn’t that right, Q?

RAOWO Cpl Baxter has some serious shit on me and Pte Jones, so just let her have her time off.

RAO Fine by me, OK Cpl Baxter, you’re on leave after Tuesday.

RAOWO Don’t think it’s all going your way – you’re now Duty Clerk for the weekend.

Enter Regimental Accountant

RA. Good morning, Sir. I’ve managed to hide all the discrepancies in the accounts.

RAO How much are we out?

RA With all the property that no-ones bothered to check or re-value I reckon about quarter of a million.

RAOWO More money to lie awake and worry about!

RAO You know me, Q – no worries –If the SIB are called in, I’ll claim I had PMT and get away with it.

Enter Mrs Rowe, upset.

RAOWO Fuck Off. Can’t you see we’re closed?

Mrs Rowe I’m sorry to bother you, but my husband’s gone on exercise and he’s left me with no money!

RAOWO Tough shit. Do I look like a fucking charity shop? Now piss off and don’t come back until we’re open.

Exit Mrs Rowe + RAOWO

Phone Rings

Cpl Baxter answers.

Cpl Baxter What? (This is WO2 Smith from A Squadron. Cpl Jones had a baby boy this morning. Send a £50 bouquet from the Squadron to his home address.) I’ll do that straight away Sergeant Major – goodbye.

Cpl Baxter (getting up and heading for the door) I need a pee.

RAO What was that all about?

Cpl Baxter. Can’t remember.
Good one but I've actually worked there. No wonder I didn't get a commission :)

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