SCENE â RAO Office â start of working day (about 11 oâclock) 2 soldiers at work â Cpl Baxter on E-Bay, RAOWO downloading porn. ENTER RAO RAO Morning tosspots! Bit thin on the ground, this morning Q. Whereâs everyone? RAOWO Two have gone AWOL, oneâs jailed, three are off with stress and Sgt Struthers is in his office in his underpants waiting for someone to dress him. RAO Any chance of a brew? RAOWO Kettleâs just boiled â Cpl Baxter â Make the boss a brew, will you? Cpl Baxter â (under breath) Fucking liberty (audible) Yes, Q. Exit Cpl Baxter, coughing up phlegm for the brew. RAO Thanks. (To RAOWO) How are we set for the Office inspection next week, Q? RAOWO Not bad, Sir. Weâve hidden everything we shouldnât have in a big cardboard box in the cupboard. The Finance Systems Operator has lost the key to the safe, but he thinks he might have found it by next week. RAO How much money did we manage to lose last month? How much was I responsible for? RAOWO Had you done your auditing, Sir, like youâre supposed to, youâd know it was about Â£3000. But as you just fill the ledgers with green pen in the hope someone will think youâre doing your jobâ¦ RAO â¦everything is processed electronically so Iâm totally fucked when weâre inspected anywayâ¦ RAOWO And youâre supposed to advise the Commanding Officer on how to spend his annual budget. RAO Thatâs another quarter of a million pounds of taxpayersâ money chucked down the toilet â but luckily I have you, Q, and the team to advise me when I need help. RAOWO â Bollocks to that, Sir. Youâre on your own. Donât drag us into this shit-trap youâve created. Enter Cpl Baxter, with chipped mug. Cpl Baxter â Here you are, Sir. Hope you choke on it. RAO Pardon? What did you say? Cpl Baxter I said, It would have been quicker if youâd asked for a coke. RAO Thanks Cpl Baxter. Cpl Baxter Whilst youâre enjoying your brew, can I ask a favour? I know itâs the annual office inspection next week, but can I take three days leave â Wed through to Friday? RAO Fuck off â we need everyone here so we can cook the books, isnât that right, Q? RAOWO Cpl Baxter has some serious shit on me and Pte Jones, so just let her have her time off. RAO Fine by me, OK Cpl Baxter, youâre on leave after Tuesday. RAOWO Donât think itâs all going your way â youâre now Duty Clerk for the weekend. Enter Regimental Accountant RA. Good morning, Sir. Iâve managed to hide all the discrepancies in the accounts. RAO How much are we out? RA With all the property that no-ones bothered to check or re-value I reckon about quarter of a million. RAOWO More money to lie awake and worry about! RAO You know me, Q â no worries âIf the SIB are called in, Iâll claim I had PMT and get away with it. Enter Mrs Rowe, upset. RAOWO Fuck Off. Canât you see weâre closed? Mrs Rowe Iâm sorry to bother you, but my husbandâs gone on exercise and heâs left me with no money! RAOWO Tough shit. Do I look like a fucking charity shop? Now piss off and donât come back until weâre open. Exit Mrs Rowe + RAOWO Phone Rings Cpl Baxter answers. Cpl Baxter What? (This is WO2 Smith from A Squadron. Cpl Jones had a baby boy this morning. Send a Â£50 bouquet from the Squadron to his home address.) Iâll do that straight away Sergeant Major â goodbye. Cpl Baxter (getting up and heading for the door) I need a pee. RAO What was that all about? Cpl Baxter. Canât remember.