A few short jokes

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by I_say_again, Nov 15, 2005.

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  1. Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you
    got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

    A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
    He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for
    your arse'.

    My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with
    his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

    Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris
    licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

    Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
    scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

    Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your
    mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

    A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for
    us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over
    and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

    Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's
    'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack
    off, I've got a headache'.

    Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst
    part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the
    trouble started.

    Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a
    quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the

    Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have
    a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one
    of those again!

    It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking
    5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know
    where the hell she is!

    Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
    tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

    A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her
    pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip
    of the iceberg!

    Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the
    receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes,
    I won't take it up the arse'!
  2. The Chief of Medicine is conducting a tour of the hospital for one of the wealthy patrons. As they pass one room the patron looks in and screams. She sees a man lying in bed vigorously masturbating. " My, Heavens!. That is disgusting! ".. The doctor quickly intervenes.. ' Oh no, madam. That man has a rare disease, If he doesn't do that three times a day his testicles fill up with fluid and he'll explode. - very rare condition ".

    somewhat mollified, the woman continues the tour.. at the next room, she is shocked to see a young nurse bent over another patient delivering a vigorous bit of fallatio. " Oh, My!.. You condone this behaviour ? That is disgusting ! "

    The doctor tries to calm her down.. " Its quite all right, madam.. He has the same condition as the first man you saw...just a better health plan. "
  3. Man walks into the doctors and says "help me Doc. I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home"

    "Ah" says the Doc. "you've got Tom Jones' Syndrome"

    "is it very common?"

    "well, it's not unusual"

  4. Here's a coule for the Hearts Fans.

    Vladimir Romanov has sacked his interpreter - aparently he asked for
    defenders, not sex offenders.

    Stephen Pressley was sent home from training early today. When asked
    later on about the incident he revealed he was sent home because the
    manager doesnt like hairy c-nts
  5. Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird
    section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
    says Gerry.

    The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
    truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

    At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
    "Dis looks like a grand place."

    He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps
    off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
    bottom, killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
    says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

    Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

    He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
    carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

    "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

    He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
    parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
    bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
    parrotshooting either!"

    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean

    He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboardbox out of
    which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
    hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits
    a rock and breaks his spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head.

    "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,den
    Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
  6. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    The brother of the Master Of The Witty Retort decided one day to go to the circus.

    The Master Of The Witty Retort was unable to go with him due to having a prior engagement at the Witty Retorters Club.

    At the circus the first to appear are the clowns. The do the usual white-wash down the hoopy trousers, spinny flower cavorting nonsense before approaching the crowd.

    The lead clown (a disturbingly scary Ronald McDonald-esque creature) points to the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort and asks:

    “Are you the front end of a donkey”?

    “No”, replies the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort.

    “Are you the rear end of a mule” continues the clown.

    “No” the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort answers again.

    The clown signs off with;

    “Well sir, you are no end of an ass!!”

    The Big Top crowd dissolves into laughter.

    Humiliated, the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort stands and vows:

    “Tomorrow I shall return with my brother. He is The Master Of The Witty Retort and I shall have my revenge!”

    The very next evening, The Master Of The Witty Retort appears at the circus. He’s spotted immediately by the clown who sees his chance at glory and asks:

    “You, sir, the Master Of The Witty retort:

    Are you the front end of a donkey”?

    “No” says the Master Of The Witty Retort

    “Are you the rear end of a mule” continues the clown again

    “No” says the Master Of The Witty Retort

    The clown signs off yet again with;

    “Well sir, you are no end of an ass!!”

    The Master Of The Witty Retort stands, the entire big top hushes expectantly and the clowns ready themselves. The Master Of The Witty Retort takes a deep breath and proclaims:

    “Why don’t you f*ck of, you red nosed c*nt!?”
  7. New words for 2005 Work-place vocabulary

    Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

    Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
    project failed, and who was responsible.

    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and
    then leaves.

    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
    screwed and die.

    The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it
    to work again.

    The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
    Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded; "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
    "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
    made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

    New Oxford Dictionary definitions

    Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
    just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
    declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

    The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
    at 3am in the morning.

    The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
    cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

    Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

    Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
    breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
    required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare & arrse

    A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
    works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

    The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
    toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
    before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
    10-Pinter in your bed instead.

    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
    got four buttocks.

    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    A deeply unattractive woman.

    Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
  8. Paul McCartney bought Heather a plane for her birthday.

    And a Ladyshave for the other leg.

  9. Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
  10. Two Irish gents go for a job at a factory.

    The gaffer gets them in the office and sits them both down with a piece of paper.

    "Here you go, lads. There shouldn't be any problem. We're desperate for hands at the moment. Do us a favour and write down what you did at your last job so we can place you properly."

    They both do as they're told and are both given a job.

    The next day, they're working together on the shop floor. Pat says to Mick.

    "How much are you on an hour?"


    "You, fecker. I'm only on £2.75"

    He storms up to the gaffers office and barges in.

    "What's going on?" says the gaffer.

    "I want to know why Pat is getting more than double the money i'm on."

    "I looked at your experience. It says you both worked at the knicker factory in Salford."

    "That's right."

    "Yours said that you just put the elastic in the knickers, but Pat said he was a diesel fitter."

    Mick smiled and said,

    "I get it."

    "What. Wasn't Pat a diesel fitter?" asked the gaffer.

    "Sort of" replied Mick. "I used to put the elastic in the knickers, then Pat would stick 'em on his head and shout 'DEES'LL FIT HER'
  11. lol very good some of them... they will be getting told in work tomorrow... oh no they wond I fooked me sh!!tty job off today lol
  12. Anyone hear about the Jewish paedophile?

    "hello little boy...want to buy a sweetie?"
  13. Oh Oh

    jokes aren't allowed in the NAAFI, apparently
  14. Paul McCartney has bought Heather a new wooden leg for her Crimbo....
    It's not her main present , just a stocking filler !
  15. Little Mary and her parents move into a new house. The next door neighbours have got a group of builders in doing some renovating. Whilst Mary's parents are busy unpacking she watches the builders as they about their business. Gradually they take a shine to little Mary and get her to do some little jobs to help them. Mary has a great time and helps them out for a couple of days.
    At the end of the week the builders have a whip round and give little Mary 5 quid.
    Mary's mum decides to let her open her first bank account and takes her down to the Halifax.

    At the bank the teller is very nice and asks where Mary managed to get 5 pounds from.
    "I've been working with the builders all week" she replies.
    The teller asks if Mary will be working with them next week as well.
    Little Mary thinks, scratches her head and says "hopefully but only if those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks!"