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A few of my favorate jokes (some poor taste)

hank

War Hero
Sorry if it's been done already, can't be arsed to check:

Q. What's the difference between Basil Brush and a muslim?

A. The muslim only goes boom once.
 
hank said:
Sorry if it's been done already, can't be arsed to check:

Q. What's the difference between Basil Brush and a muslim?

A. The muslim only goes boom once.

You might want to substitute the word muslim with suicide bomber before Jarrod starts crying. :D
 
Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-8372?"



One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
 
From an E-mail

A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman,knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there." indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second,not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
whats got eight legs and a big black c*ck?

the A-Team


bloke phones his boss up one morning, says 'I cant come in today, I'm sick.'
his boss says 'how sick are you?'
bloke says 'well... I'm in bed with my daughter.'


bloke goes to the doctors, says 'doctor... I'm having trouble pronouncing my f's, my t's and my h's...'
the doctor says 'well, you cant say fairer than that.'
 
And this one

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Gordon and the Donkey
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for£100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the Farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The Donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead. Gordon replied,
"Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already. Gordon Said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway. The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to Raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a deadDonkey!"
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you Watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."
A month Later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened
with that Dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a Piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had Stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey Being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize.
So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which As you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was Great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and then Prime Minister.And no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from The British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen Money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play Fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in His miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey
 
stacker1 said:
And this one

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Shouldn't that be 'never'? Or did I read it wrong?
 
skintboymike said:
Shouldn't that be 'never'? Or did I read it wrong?

Are you after a WAH?
 

Mongo

LE
Kit Reviewer
stacker1 said:
skintboymike said:
Shouldn't that be 'never'? Or did I read it wrong?

Are you after a WAH?

I think it depends on the desired outcome. If the bloke wants to get married, its best that he kept his condoms in the car - he went outside and was greeted by the family.

If he didn't really care about faithful, then it was a mistake keeping his condoms in his car; if he'd had them on him he could have had his end away with the sister.
 

OLDBIGHEAD

Old-Salt
Mongo said:
stacker1 said:
skintboymike said:
Shouldn't that be 'never'? Or did I read it wrong?

Are you after a WAH?

I think it depends on the desired outcome. If the bloke wants to get married, its best that he kept his condoms in the car - he went outside and was greeted by the family.

If he didn't really care about faithful, then it was a mistake keeping his condoms in his car; if he'd had them on him he could have had his end away with the sister.

Its a joke you endless cunt.
 
There I was at the bar telling a friend about a dream I had when I finished I said: " Pretty weird, eh? Bet you don't have dreams like that."
He said: " Nope, don't dream."
Me: What do you mean you don't dream?"
Him: " Black guys don't dream. "
Me: " You're crazy ."
Him: "Nope.. last black guy that had a dream..some one shot him. "
 

fwuffy

Old-Salt
Sex has gone downhill with the wife so I went out the other day and bought her a dildo.

"Urgh, it looks like a giant carrot" she said, which I thought was quite ironic seeing as her fanny looks like a yawning donkey...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend is a dirty little minx. After I've cum in her mouth she likes to gargle, blow bubbles with it, then let it dribble out of her mouth, all over her chin and breasts...

She may be completely paralysed but she sure knows how to enjoy herself.

x
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
whats the difference between a Porsche and a dozen dead prostitutes?





I havent got a Porsche in my garage.
 

airforceone

Old-Salt
What's the best thing about fcuking twenty-five year olds?









There's twenty of them!
 

BootsDMS

Clanker
After years of investigations into 9/11,
the Americans found it was'nt muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers,
it was 2 Irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor.
The door would'nt fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane & take a bit off the top.

Chinese man rings his boss.
Me no work i sick.
Boss says when i'm sick i f#ck my wife,try that?
2 hours later Chinese man rings back:
Me better,you got nice house.

Quasiemodo goes into an asian brothel,
he says how much for a shag,woman says £12.50,
he replied i only have a tenner & she told him to f#ck off.
He goes to a white brothel & its only £10.00 so he does the deed.
10 years later he bumps into a kid with a hump.
Kid says "your my dad and its all your fault i have a hump".
Quasie says "count yourself f#cking lucky,if i had another £2.50 you'd be a p#ki!"
 

Padrat

Old-Salt
me to wife - last night i had a wet dream about you
wife - really!
me - yea, you got run over by a bus and i pissed myself laughing
 
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following:

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth..

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.


john
 

NVG_Goatman

Old-Salt
A particularly 'orrible RSM came to the attention of the CO for being insensitive to recruits. In the modern army, this was not to be had, so he was sent on a course in order to become a more sensitive, caring individual.

On returning from the course, he walked past the latest intake of recruits on the drill square without berating them for anything at all. Proud of his acheivements he went to see the CO. The CO was equally impressed and decided to test the RSM's newfound patience and emotional control. "After parade, I'd like you to break the news to Pte Jones that sadly, his mother has passed away. Do so sensitively, please RSM".

The RSM marches out to the square and addresses the troops.

"All those who love their mother, one pace, forward march."

The whole parade diligently steps forward.

"All those who love their father, one pace, forward march."

Again, the entire parade steps forward.


"All those whose mother is still alive, one pace, forward march.

JONES! Where the f*ck do you think you're going?! Stand Fast!"
 

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