When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one fucking punch. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after. I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over. I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?" Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog." "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence... Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits..