A few of my favorate jokes (some poor taste)

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by ex-pat-matt, Feb 25, 2009.

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  1. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
    Took her out with one fucking punch.

    My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
    "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

    Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

    My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
    We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

    A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
    Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
    To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
    He replied, "No, just having a shit."

    Disabled toilets.
    Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

    Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
    It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

    I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
    She turned out to be an undercover detective.
    How cool is that at her age?!

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
    How could anyone stoop so low?

    I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
    So I pushed her over.

    I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

    I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
    She said I had to stop wanking.
    When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
    I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

    Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
    The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
    "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
    "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
    "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
    So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
    And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

    Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
    Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
    "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
    "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
    "Fook off you liar!"
    "I'll prove it," Murphy says.
    So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
    "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

    I had a mate who was suicidal.
    He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
    He was chuffed to bits..
  2. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    A thread for this already exists in the "Lamp and Sandbag" forum.


    Mod, L&SB
  3. Noted, cheers. ;)
  4. made me laugh anyway :D
  5. Whats better than winning Gold at the Special Olympics?

    Not being disabled.
  6. Your a cruel man, Choff, Mrs ACC wasn't impressed with that one though :roll:
  7. 8O The ACC never tell bad jokes, do they A_C_C ? :D
  8. What do you call a Teletubbie with syphillis?
    Stinky Winky

    I thought of a brilliant joke earlier whilst at work, I rushed up to my mate on the third floor, told him it and he fell about laughing. So I told it to my other mate on the fourth floor, my girlfriend on the seventh and my boss on the eleventh and got the same resulting hilarity.
    I'm telling you, that joke worked on so many levels.

    Paddy goes into Marks & Spencer’s to buy his wife a maternity bra.
    Shop assistant asks “what bust sir?”
    Paddy Replies “The fucking Condom”

    What should you do if you're walking in the snow and come across an unconscious, naked girl who looks like shes been raped?
    Check your bearings; you're going in circles.

    Sticking a legal disclaimer on this site isn't going to stop anyone is it?
    I mean, sticking a barbed wire fence at the bottom of the hill didn't stop Francesca did it?

    Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "if they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"
    The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"
    The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

    Sadar joins the suicide bomber squad, and he is given a mission to commit suicide in the enemy's camp. His leader supplies him with a lot of weapons, and bombs covering his body. He also gives him a mobile phone for communications.

    He lands in the enemy camp, and calls his boss; 'Sir, there are two enemy soldiers, may I kill myself now?
    Leader: 'No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.'
    Sadar: 'Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?'
    Boss: 'Wait for more.'
    Sadar: 'Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, may I commit suicide?
    Boss: 'Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after them.'
    Sadar pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
  9. I remember when I was in Court for my divorce, helps me forget the reason I had to be there in the first place. Anyway the Judge says I was "lax in my responsibilities", and "wasn't I ashamed to be there?" I says no Sir , if it's good enough for you, Judge. Then he says he's awarding the missus forty quid a week. I was so chuffed and promised I'd send here a few quid meself. Then he bangs his hammer down, so I thought, if I 'd known I could fecking sell her here, I'd have brought her in ten years ago. And another thing, there was this...............................
  10. My all time favourite joke:

    Why is Lieutenant Uhura brown?


    Because William Shatner. :D
  11. how do you make a six year old cry twice?
    fuck them in the arrse and wipe your c0ck on their teddy bear
  12. Repeated, for the people who think they are funny and that MODs have nothing better to do than merge threads all day and night.

    Gosh, I'm tetchy tonight.......
  13. I thought that was one of the perks of being a MOD? :wink:
  14. Just seen this and it made me giggle:

    Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

    That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live
    in rough areas. We have a huge council house at the
    end of our street. The extended family that lives
    there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of
    fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and
    doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still
    do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for
    upsetting foreigners with his racist comments. A
    shopkeeper blamed him for ordering the murder of his
    son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been
    proved yet. All the kids have broken marriages except
    the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two
    grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always
    seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are
    always in the papers.

    They are out of control. ..........

    Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

    (I expect it's been done before, but never mind, eh?)