a few military jokes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by portlandbill, Jan 28, 2011.

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  1. some military jokes

    Bomb Alert
    Have just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.


    Cannabalism!
    Due to a fall in recruitment a batch of Cannibals joined the Army.

    The CO welcomed them to the unit "Lovely to have you chaps here with us, just do me a favour and don’t eat anyone"

    The weeks went by until the CO popped into talk to the chief "Um just checking but we seem to be missing a Corpral, you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?" THe Cheif Cannibal said that he had not seen a corpral anywhere.

    After the CO left the Chief got all the others together "Right who ate the Corpral? Come on I know you did!!!" A hand raised guiltily at the rear of the Group.

    "YOU fool;s" Exploded the Chief. "For month we have been eating Officers and no one noticed but you had to go and eat someone USEFUL!!!!!!"

    he IRA Taliban
    4 ex ira men travel to helmand,meet up with local taliban leaders and offer their expertise as mercenaries..
    "Whatever you need doing we are your men we hate the brits, give us a job to prove ourselves." says riley.
    The head taliban rants and raves, pounds the table and screams,"in the name of allah ,kill,kill kill the ghurkas.
    Suitably armed the pira boys head for the nearest town, open fire in the market place and kill 105 local women. "What have you done" screams the head talban foaming at the mouth.
    "Whats the problem " says riley, " you said kill the bhurkas !!!!!



    New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ’My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ’I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

    If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way..

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think
    Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing
    else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night!



    Miltary Rules

    Royal Marine Rules:
    1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
    5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ¬ even your friends…
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
    9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

    SBS Rules:
    1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
    2. Kill every living thing within view.
    3. Adjust speedo.
    4. Check hair in mirror.

    SAS Rules:
    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

    Army Rules:
    1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
    2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
    3. Curse bitterly.
    4. Curse bitterly.
    5. Do not listen to 2nd LT’s; it can get you killed.
    6. Curse bitterly.

    RAF Rules:
    1. Have a cocktail.
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
    3. See what’s on Sky.
    4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
    5. Request more funding from Government with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
    6. Wine & dine ’key’ MP’s, invite MOD & defense industry executives.
    7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
    9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
    10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

    RN Rules:
    1. Go to Sea.
    2. Drink Coffee.
    3. Deploy Marines


    $hit: A Definition
    An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is $hit."

    An Para stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good $hit."

    A Marine lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great $hit."

    A SAS Trooper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this $hit."

    An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of $hit is this?"


    History Teacher
    The history teacher one day said to his class at the beginning of the lesson,

    "Right, we are going to have a snap quiz today to see if you have learnt anything about military history." A groan went round the room but a couple of students perked up and seemed quite keen.

    "I’m going to say some quotes, you’re going to tell me who said them, where and when" the teacher explained.

    "First one. Veni, vidi, vici", he called out.

    "Sah! Sah!" cried out a little Japanese boy in the front row on the left hand side.

    "Yes, Kawachi" said the teacher.

    "Sah, that was Julius Ceasar, invasion of Bliton, 55 BC" said the little fellow.

    "Absolutely spot on Kawachi, well done." The little Japanese boy positively beamed with pride. "Right, next one - I can’t see."

    "Sah! Sah!" cried out a little Japanese boy in the back row on the right hand side.

    "Yes, Sokomoto" said the teacher.

    "Sah, that was Admilal Lord Nelson, Battle of Cophenhagen, 1801."

    "Way to go, Sokomoto, that’s absolutely correct", said the teacher.

    Suddenly a voice called out from the middle of the classroom, "f****** (swear word!) off, you Japanese bastards!"

    "Who said that? Who said that?" called out the teacher, enraged.

    Same voice from the middle of the class, "Sir, that was President Roosevelt, invasion of Pearl Harbor, 1941."


    vaseline
    A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door of a married quarter and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

    "If you don’t mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

    "We use it for sex," she said.

    The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

    The woman said, "I don’t mind telling you at all.


    My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

    SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE