A few ditties

on holiday in Spain last week with my wife I thought it would be funny to push her into the swimming pool. She completely overreacted though. ‘Calm down’ I said as I pulled her out of the water, ‘everybody is look at us.’ ‘Calm down?’ she shouted, coughing and spluttering. ‘You know I can’t swim.’ ‘Ok, I’m sorry, I was only having a laugh’ I said. ‘A laugh?’ she screamed ‘’just get in the pool and get my fucking wheelchair back.’

A woman goes to see her doctor. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ he asked. She said ‘I keep finding postage stamps form Costa Rica in my vagina.’ The doc had a look and said ‘they aren’t postage stamps, they’re stickers off bananas’.’

I’m just back from a holiday in Thailand. I came very close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady. It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed into a parking space first time I thought, ‘hang on a fucking minute.’

My son fell asleep at a drunken recent party at my house. For a laugh I shaved off his eyebrows and drew a big cock on his head. My wife went mental when she came home from work and looked in the cot.

I’m in trouble with the wife. She asked me to get our spotty ginger son ready for school so I punched him in the face and nicked his dinner money.

My young son asked me how babies were made. I was unsure where to start so after a bit of online research I found a video that explained it all. At the end of the video he was ashen faced and trembling, so I said to him, ‘well son it’s basically like that except the white stuff goes in her vagina, not on her face and tits and there’s not normally a horse involved.’

A suspicious item has been found outside a mosque in Liverpool. Police describe it as an 8 inch metal canister. A spokesman for the mosque said they had never seen anything like it. Police later identified the item as Lynx for men deodorant.

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